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Apathetically Hip
The chronological rantings of a madman.
last modified Sep 17, 2004 at 6:26
Look into me
And you will see
The pain and hate
Deep within my E
YES
That’s the test
Of life and death
at it's worst
and it's best
is to keep on living
And keep on giving
And keep forgiving
Just telling yourself
every day
And night
That it’s all ok
And there’s nothing to fight
But you know yourself better
than to be fooled by two letters
and no matter how righteous they may sound in your heart
believing in them is always the start
of countless wrong turns
and lessons unlearned
and those simple truths are always the result
where open wounds lie
there will always be salt
pain let’s you know your alive
relief is something that you can always strive
to have and still never get
it gets worse and yet
you keep on reaching for a silver lining
something sublimely
detached from the world you know
a world that’s filled with pain and regret
you run from it yet
it’s always one step ahead
and it will always be there
no sacrifice can spare you
and no one will care for
you or carry you away
there’s no one there to rescue you some day
you’ll realize that the pain in your eyes
is a reflection of how everybody feels inside
but you’ll keep it locked tight and it will epically fight
within you and try to destroy you
toy with you
eradicate joy for you
slowly erode for you
the winding dirt rode for you
that leads to salvation
and the kind of elation
you only feel once in your life
when all of the strife melts away
for a day
at a time
and slowly I find
inner peace to be mine
but as I said before
there is no savior
that’s gonna knock down your door
there’s only the pain that you see
inside me
when you look into my bloody
E
Y
E
Okay, most people post lyrics form bands they like, I don't feel like looking around for those so I thought I'd post a few of my own. I'm aware that if other people did this it would crash the server (cough) Alex (cough cough) but I'm just posting a few choice lyrics from the school server, hope ya like em. Feedback is always appreciated.
It is not my way
a hundred million monsters screamin in my head
they all say that i'd be better off dead
I tend to agree with them more and more everyday
a hundred hungry monsters devour my soul
I try to fight back but they swallow me whole
I'd fight to the death but I know there's no other way
it is not my day
it is not my way
it is not the same
when I'm happy
I don't care what you say
I'm better of today
but I know there's no other way
I'll be happy
I have run the races and again I lost
I can only blame myself
because I knew the cost
the risk involved is rarely coupled with reward
So I run myself through with another sword
and strangle myself with another cord
and I can’t help but notice that death is my only reward
it is not my day
it is not my way
it is not the same
when I'm happy
I don't care what you say
I'm better of today
but I know there's no other way
I'll be happy
Shattered to Reason
I'm back at square one
yeah I'm back where I started
I'd only begun
but now I'm rather disheartened
and I just wanna run
but my spirits been hardened
after crushing defeat
after crushing defeat
you've broken me down
and i'm shattered to pieces
but I still stick around
though I don't know the reasons
I was lost and you found
me but I still know the score
I showed you my heart
and you showed me the door
I have destroyed
everything in my path
I scream out my rage
and you scream at me back
i've been deprived of my vengence
and been forced to relax
but I won't calm down
no I can't come down
cuz you've broken me down
and i'm shattered to pieces
but I still stick around
though I don't know the reasons
I was lost and you found
me but I still know the score
I showed you my heart
and you showed me the door
you tell me you know
that one day I'll be saded
can I still be saved
that can still be debated
but I can't just sit
and be politely berated
I have to go
and you've gotta know
you've broken me down
and i'm shattered to pieces
but I still stick around
though I don't know the reasons
I was lost and you found
me but I still know the score
I showed you my heart
and you showed me the door
you showed me the door!
you showed me the door!
you showed me the door!
you
showed
me
the
door!!!!
More to Life
They tell me you’re a dime a dozen
they say you’re nothin new
they tell me I could do you’re tricks
and I say that it’s true
so can you help me fill in the blank
and tell me why my ship has sank
if you don’t have the answers who does?
I’ve got to find the answers because
there’s got to be more to life than what I know of it
there is something out there that I barely know I exists
I can’t just keep running out the clock
I’ve got to make a move
before my time is up
Who are you
You can only hear me when I'm screaming
and I can only see you when I'm dreaming
it's a lie we conned ourselves into believing
and nothing we know is true
cuz you can only hurt me when I'm bleeding
the glances that I catch of you are fleeting
we've had too many clumsy akward meetings
I think it's time we start anew
Chorus
how are you?
I'm new to this part of town
can you show me around?
I wanna hear everything you know
who are you?
you look like someone that I knew
but that could not be true
It was a life and a half ago
Time is little more than an illusion
visitation is a nice word for intrusion
and love is just another visitation
to deep inside your soul
i am just a slave to my emotions
they fill me with these stupid little notions
like I would ever have someone's devotion
It all began with you
Chorus
how are you?
I'm new to this part of town
can you show me around?
I wanna hear everything you know
who are you?
you look like someone that I knew
but that could not be true
It was a life and a half ago
I keep attempting to make restitution
to try and find some kind of absolution
and bring this to a peaceful resolution
but I can't do it alone
I don't know if you realize how much has changed
since we finally worked ourselves into the new game
Find You
I will
try to fight it and
I will
reunite us and
I will do
everything in my power to...
find you
you're calling to me and
i know that you're scared and
I know it's not fair but I'll
find you
wherever you are
whether near or you’re far
I will
find you
you have
sent out a flare and
you have shown me you care and
you have done
everything in your power to
help me find you
you're calling to me and
i know that you're scared and
I know it's not fair but I'll
find you
wherever you are
whether near or your far
I will
find
you
I'll search the world over
I'll find
you
I'll search around every corner
I'll find you
Copywrite Adric CLuff 2005
Update : I Have A PSP!!!!!! It's Awsome and Awsomely Expensive
I am the architect of self destruction
I am the maker of my own demise
to live a happy life I'd need instruction
I can only deal with hate and lies
I see them wispering their silent truths
and I make choices that I should not make
In the quest for happiness they will be ruthless
taking chances that they should not take
And I am their watching as it all falls apart
aand it will fall on me
to be
the mender of a broken heart
We are the architects of self destruction
we are the makers of our own demise
to live a happy life we'd need instruction
we can only deal with hate and lies
copywrite 2005 Adric Cuff
the tall one returns
I had a regular weekend I guess one and a half parties, work, sleep and video games
standard fare
I wasn't expecting Alex Nursal to have email access in Rio but I wrote her an email anyway cuz she's one of my best friends and I wanted her to know when she got backhow much I missed her, so imagine my surprise when she emails me back.
That was probably the highlight of the week.
Joce had an 18th bday party I hung out for a bit b4 I went to work, then the gang showed up at Gloria's and bought Bingo's (the party came to me...sweet)
People keep asking me 'how's life' and I am honestly hard put to come up with an answer. It's not bad, but it's not good. I don't wanna scream and hit things, but I also don't wanna go dancing in the streets, so the best way to describe my life right now is Purgatory or Limbo, but it's not even really that.
If all goes according to plan I will be doing a radio show with Colleen at CKLU all on musicals...it should be a blast.
Good sweet merciful Lord I want a PSP!!!!!!!!
I have the cash but I think it's a bad idea to spend it all. I think I got a tax refund this weekend tho so I might be able to buy one and not suffer massive pseudo povery (the kind when you can spend money but you don't so that you can save up.)
Besides, I don't know how my parents would feel about it. My dad's always been against portable gaming.
Sorry if this post is scatterbrained but I'm just writing off the top of my CANTELLOPE ANTELLOPE GOODNESS...I mean the top of my head.
Improv meeting today and I have no idea why, but improv's always a good thing so I'll find out soon enough.
I should be reading The Hunchback of Notre Dame
but I can't peel myself off the comp and I always fall asleep when I read. One time I was reading near the edge of a cliff and I woke up at the bottom missing an awful lot of blood. j/k it was a precipice not a cliff.
Man are we running ourt of time or what? I was reading my old posts (I know that's lame nut I was bored) and I was talking about the famine and the next thing you know I was talking about exams...holy shit, that's a scary prospect, but I think the famine was later in the year last year so we've still got some time. Still exams are creeping up....dun dun dun
Alright well I've typed all I can type and I don't even know if people still read this thing so if you do, Have a Good Day if you don't, then I have nothing to say that you'd read....duh
Adios Mohitos
I have cried
I have bled
I'm alive
but I'm dead
the emptyness that's in my soul
has never truly left
times have changed
but it's no surprise
after all the empty truths and lies
but still I'll smile wide
and act like I'm not dead inside
because
life is not the same
when we
are not playing this game
we might
find some common ground
till then
we'll keep goin around
this ride is too damn long
and nothing's goin wrong
purgatory paradise
what's the difference?
I wonder that myself
and does anybody else
fell the way that I do?
numb
I can't feel myself
and I can't feel anyone else
and it is disconcerting
numb
is anybody there?
and does anybody care?
or is disaster the only one I'm flirting
with?
so let's do this dance
no time for romance
your time will not last long
and niether will the song
you've not long left to go
and then before you know...it
your life is just faded glory
from the start
we are doomed
sighted, attacked and consumed
fighting will only make it stronger
so refuse to conform
to the game, the ride, the dance and the norm
but inside you know that scorn
will only make the torture longer
I have cried
I have bled
run every scenario in my head
and there is not a one
where life is fair
but is anybody there?
and does anybody
care?
copywrite 2005 Adric Cluff
How hard is it to make a plan to party. The way people act you'd think you were all gerriatric fucks that have to go to bed at like 8 o'clock I cll or MSN every fucking day looking for something to do cuz, wait for it, we're on FUCKINMG VACATION but nooooooooooooo everyone's working or made plans or, for some fucking reason just don't want to. For god's sake this is gonna be the last chance in a long while to do anything cuz exams are gonna be upon us fucking soon. FUCK I just wanna call everyone I know and scream at them until my voice gives out. For god sakes you guys really fucking let me down. Go ahead and post back if you want and be as bitchy and malcontent as posible cuz anything would be better than this moronic indifference
FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
That is the question, and it's a question I'm posting as an open forum to anyone who still reads this thing.
Is it better worse, different or unacceptable to go to semi on your lonesome.
I've talked to a few about it and they say it's better to have a good time alone than be stuck with a date for the purpose of having a date.
My folks say I should bring someone but everyone knows they don't get it. Besides the people they suggested I go to it with I can think of at lest 8 reasons why it'd be a fucking horrible idea, all of which I'd never express to them.
Anyhoo what do you guys think?
P.S. You have like 12 days to reply before your opinion won't matter cuz it'll be a little late.
- Looks like I'll have to go.....STAG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-Ghandi, Clone High (I miss that show)
Not too much to report.
Makin some grade 9 friends, talkin to Cassie a bit.
Had improv today, that was ok but he want's us to be better than we can be with the time talent and skill available to us.
Readin the Halo books, they're pretty good (god I'm a geek)
That's pretty well it
Ciao for Niao
Well my weekend, as far as weekends go and considering the very few options I had, was pretty good. I went to a meeting with the lawyers for the mock trial along with Lex, that was productive. I saw Team America and Saved with Dave, that was fun and Saturday and Sunday I worked that was lucrative. I went to a staff party last night. Food was good, room was crowded and I went home early cuz they were going to a bar afterword
well that's pretty well it
Adios Mohitos
Wow, you guy's are cool
Thanks for understanding (and visiting my blog that I figured most of you thought was dead)
I must say I didn't expect the responses I got and I didn't totaly expect them from the people who were responding. I guess I need to take some time to reevaluate my sitch.
In truth most of you aren't in any kind of spectrum of blame. Most of this is splashback from how I felt last year. I'll be sure, before I go all "Everything sucks and the worlds gonna die" to talk to people first. I think I didn't because over one particular summer, everyone talked about everything and it all blew way out of proportion. So stupid me for thinking my frinds (and even aquaintences) wouldn't be there if I needed something
Thanks agian
feeling much better
Adios Mohitos
I only write in Blog's when I'm unhappy so for anyone who still reads this shit they can look forward to new entries as i am pretty unhappy.
Recently went through a breakup and it hurt, I'm mostly over it and i was ready to move on, unfortunately the person I was going to move on with decided she wanted to "just be friends" which is fine. The breakups themselves don't anger me it's the underline issue behind all my relationships that does.
WARNING: I may come off a little jerkish in this post but it's my blog and my post so I can!
The bottom line that recently hit me is this: I am a giver (especially emotionaly)
I give, people take
I'm the first to message someone on MSN I'm the first to call people, I always care more about a significant other than they do of me and I'm getting sick of it. I suspect the reasons I'm like this are as follows
1:I'm insecure about my self and feel if I don't call someone, they're not gonna call me and i'll have no one to talk to.
2: People honestly don't give a shit about me. They never call, they never message, they never ask me about anything. I had to tell everyone who I felt like telling about my break up, meanwhile all of Marymount knows in 20 seconds. Darien even found out. but at school I had to announce it. I could be on fucking fire with a knife in my head and no one would care.
Bottom line is I can't change how I am aka: a giver and a little needy and the people I know can't change who they are aka: self absorbed and apathetic to me. so I guess I'm just gonna keep feeling Emo and Angry and no one will care.
Over the summer my bordom caused me to start writing a book called William Tanner: THe Eternity Island Project. It's a spy in training novel Uber loosely bassed on J.k
Good Ol' Mr Cooper
Man I need tickets for that concert
Well aas of September 19th I've been on this planet for eighteen years...wow
I celebrated my birthday by going to work...yay
after work I went to a birthday dinner at East Side Mario's with my fam and Heather. She met my folks for the first time and they're equally impressed with her as I am
well i gtg
adios mohitos
Well yesterday was a short day on account of play day and today is even shorter. I have a small drafting testthena spare then lunch then the footballgame so I have 1 class. I'm pretty stoked cuz I'm going to see Sky Captain and the Worldof Tommorow Today (I'm aware of how weired that sounds) with Dave and after hanging out with Dave, I'm gonna go hang out with Heather,whichI haven't done for a week so I'm pretty happy about it (hell I'm ecstatic about it.
Ciao for Niao
Adios Mohitos
Hey Kiddie's
Holy Fucking SHit Ass Raping of a monkey whore it's been awhile since I updated, and I don't realy have too much to say.
Summer was cool, I spent most of it working, gaming and spending time with Heather. I bought a sword from Hilltribe (Dave says it's handmade, which is very cool). School is good but socially wierd. It was always hard for me to fit in with the grade 11's (now grade 12's- go you guys!!!) but now, without my clique (Jaws, Mike and Dave) to fal back on, it's even weirder, but I'm sure I'll adjust. I have to work tommorow and saturday until 10 o'clock (I am not happy with that) but I'm making good money (I am happy with that) so it's a neccessary sacrifice. I might even go to see Res Evil Apocalypse after my shift.
Movie's I saw during the summer that people should go see:
Spiderman 2
Chronicles of Riddick
Going the Distance (wherever you are right now, go see that movie- whether you're in school, or visiting your grandma in the hospital go see it!!!!)
movie you shouldn't see unless you appreciate horrible cinematography
Guy Stories by Brandon Nutt
All right so that's my stream of consciousness for the day so
as always
Adios Mohitos
Well, 1 exam down, 1 to go. Physics (AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH) I'm screwed but whatever. I passed no matter what, I just haven't passed for STEP (big fucking whoop). That's all the news for today. To udadte you all, I went to an art banquet with Heather insted of studying on Monday, she was pissed, but she forgave me. The banquet was fun, but it couldn't beat the music banquet, except for Heather being there of course (I know that's all mushy but hey, I'm in love I can be.) I don't get to see her until next week unless she drops by Bell Park. She can't go to Jaws party on 2 counts 1) Jaws doesn't want her there :'( and 2) She can't come cuz of exams. Well I'll see you all later.
Well, it's official, Heather's my girlfriend, making me her boyfriend, making me the luckiest fuck on the planet!!!! Right now I really wish 2 things: 1) That Thursday didn't exist and 2) That I could get into my email cuz Heather said she was sending me an email and I can't read it until I get home, or to Jaws' house to edit the movie. I have an english seminar today but I'm not worried. I might fail comm tech, I'm a little worried about that. Exams soon and I am not ready, I'm still confident I'll do well.
Adios Mohitos
Friday Friday Friday Friday Friday Friday Friday Friday Friday Friday Friday Friday Friday Friday Friday Friday Friday Friday Friday Friday Friday Friday Friday Friday Friday Friday Friday Friday Friday Friday Friday Friday Friday Friday Friday Friday Friday Friday
Heather mmmmmm
That's a brief glimpse of my brain right now.
I didn't think we would ever have a website, I sure as hell wasn't gonna make one, but Kevin Hawley, with Biff's help made a Beta site, if you wanna see it it's at:
www.jacksdead.cjb.net
Well, there's not much more to talk about, Everyday s just getting in Fridays way. I don't know how I'm getting to the movie but i'll figure it out.
Ok, after a little conversation with Colleen I realized she wasn't looking for a relationship and isn't really my type. I was bummed for awhile but then Heather came online. This girl is amazing. She's a gamer (yes!), she's funny, she's single (hell yes!) and she;s in to me. We talked for hours about everything and made plans for the next few weeks. I flirted with her and she flirted back, I can't wait for Friday.
Adios Mohitos
Well, most of the people I've already spoken to about the events of Friday night already know what happened because I couldn't contain my joy. Just an update to ya'll. I went on a major limb and went ot Harry Potter in hopes of seeing Colleen there, and I did. By the grace of a benevolent God, there was a seat open next to her, and I was aquainted with her 9 other friends and her twin sister, Heather. I found out Colleen goes to Marymount, is fifteen and is in grade nine. My only real problem in this situation is I don't know which one I like more, Colleen or Heather, but I'll figure it out. I'm going to Colleen's to watch Dogma on friday, I can't wait.
Adios Mohitos
The music banquet abso-fucking-lutely rocked my fucking socks. Once again we had to sit through the longest speeches in the fucking world but the food was fucking delicious. The music was fucking awsome. I danced my Fucking ass off. We moshed (that's right, Fucking Moshed) I was totaly not my normal conservative self, but that's why I had so much fucking fun. I got a slow dance to istairway to heavn, Fuck Yeah. And the coup de grace, at the end of the night I got a girl's email. Her name's Colleen and she's in highschool so keep your snide coments to yourself. She caught my eye when a group of us were dancing to the casper slide. I felt something when I saw her dancing that I haven't felt for anyone for a long time. I plan to run some recon and ask her out if she's not taken. Wish me luck.
Adi Fucking os Mohitos
Fetus 
The Tab for Jack's Lament
http://www.fretplay.com/tabs/e/elfman_danny/jacks_lament-crd.shtml
That's mainly for me.
I know it's some people find it annoying when people post lyrics to explain how they feel or whatever, but I think those people will forgive me for this
Oh, somewhere deep inside of these bones
An emptiness began to grow
There's something out there, far from my home
A longing that I've never known
Yeah, that's pretty much me right there
So, no new developments that I care to discuss. Life still sucks no matter how you look at it, but it sucks within reason. I found out shit I'd really rather of left a mystery. On a slightly related note I talked to Mel for the first time in a bizzillion years. Not the greatest conversation. Aside from that, I still wanna go see Pothead, but I might wanna go later in the weekend. So much homework to get done by Friday. Anxiously awaiting Summer. No summer school for me this time, so it's all just about partying 24/7. My dad will probably try and get me to do something productive, but I can weasel out of that. I plan to get JD into a shitload of concerts, if I can.
Adios Mohitos
Yeah, as much as I blam Rowlings shit, I do wanna go see Prizoner of Azkaban, I told you I'm a hypocrite. Anyhoo I might be able to and I might not. I have to get some assignments done before I'm allowed to go to any more movies, besides that I might have to work, but probably not. Still if I just put up an effort to do the work on Friday after school, I might be able to go see it that night. Anyone who wants to go, just give me a shout. Or comment (that's what it's there for). Aside from that, I just did an English exam, yeeesh, my brain no porcess grammar. I have a Physics test tomorow ich. The O.C was on for 2 hours last night, woo hoo. I can't wait for season 2. Pertaining to my own life, I can't really complain, I've got a job (and with that, an income), good friends (who hopefully want to go to the movies on Friday), A family who loves me etc, etc. Still just because I can't complain doesn't mean I won't (I love contractions) My jobs ok, except for the standing up for 8 hours being a corporate shill, and though my friends are good to me, I sometimes wish they'd care a little more about my shit and not ignore me so much, it wouldn't be so bad if other people didn't get all the attention from eveybody, it's not much, i just like to be noticed every once in awhile. and family that loves you is great and all but I can't help wanting more (eg: GF) but that doesn't seem to be in the cards for me right now. I've got my eyes open, but they might as well be shut cuz I'm blind anyway. Well that's the depressed part of me I do the best to keep hidden. In other news, I'm working on a misfits style Evil Dead song (JD is trying to get back into the gothic groove.) It's pretty cool, if not a little complex. I don't have any preference on Bass or Drums so Ry and Jaws can sort that out themselves. I took a quiz and it said my primary motivation is sex, colour me surprised. I'll admit it's on my mind, but I'm a guy and a teen so that's pretty normal. It said I'm not looking for love at all, i guess that's true, but mabe that's because every time th possibility for love or romance has crossed my path it's been run over by an eighteen wheeler. Sigh, I doubt anyone will read this and of the folks who do, verry few will care, but I'm putting it out there in the hopes that someone out there will.
Adios Mohitos
Your Lord and Master
Fetus
Ok, Day After Tommorow three days ago, it friggin rocked. I saw Eurotrip Unrated, it friggin rocked, and I saw Bramm Stokers Dracula, it friggin sucked. I got back to talking to Moe regularly, I really friggin wish she was older. Oh well. I worked Saturday I had band practice on Sunday. We have a new song "Punk Show" hell yeah! My recent attempts to write songs have gone under. Well that sums it all up.
Adios Mohitos
Under the Red is down, this sux because it's one of the only 3 blogs I read regularly. The simple fact of the matter is, a good lot of you are being retarded. None of this shit matters. Someone can post whatever they want however they want about whoever they want whenever they want, (ex: monkey testicles are delicious) you don't like it? Don't read it. If you wanna get pissed at the person, go ahead, you were gonna get pissed off over some other trivial shit anyway so it makes no difference. The internet gives everyone a voice and evidentally people have used this voice to bitch. It's there godgiven right. You of course have a right to get mad at the person, but when you force the person to run off the internet (the most free medium on the planet) mabe it's time to drop your guns and call of your dogs.
Damn Too Far North, going on tour and rubbing it in our faces. I'm not uber mad about it but it's a little irritating. Anyhoo, have you ever felt like a lemming? You know you're walking to the edge of a cliff to your certain doom but you do it anyway? Yeah well I don't, what's wierd though is that I want to. I want to just let instinct kick in and throw caution to the wind, even if that means I'm heading right to my doom. I just wish fate would push me in the right direction. I should follow my own advice eh? Well it's not that simple. I'm just lost, but it's not because I don't know where I'm going, it's because I have nowhere to go.
Sorry to be so pissy. I know you're all psyched and have a right to be, but I can't help but feel left out. Even some grade 11's went to Grad and Grad parties. So I go to talk to some people about it and they either don't care (90% of you), ignore me (Jaws mainly) or tell me, in so many words, I wouldn't have been welcome anyway. What the Fuck is that about? Well. the music banquets comming up so I hope to have fun at that, but I'm feeling pretty low right now so I doubt I will.
Fuck You All
Your Lord and Master
Fetus
That's pretty much it. I'm going to see Shrek 2 Monday and I need people to go with. So far it's me and Moe but I hope to rope in Alex N, Jaws, and possibly Amanda Give me a shout out
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