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Black Rose Immortal
Latest posts below.
I dragged this lake looking for corpses
Dusted for prints, pried up the floorboards
Pieces of planes and black box recorders
Don't lie (don't lie)
And I've been preoccupied with these sick, sick senses
That sense DNA on barbed wire fences
Maybe someday I'll find me a suspect
That has no alibi
New Year's Eve was as boring as heaven
I watched flies fuck on channel 11
There was no one to kiss, there was nothing to drink
Except some old rotten milk someone left in the sink
And there's no ring, there's no ring on the phone anymore
There's no reason to call I passed out on the floor
Smoked myself stupid and drank my insides raisin dry
But at the right place at the right time
I'll be dead wrong and you'll be just fine
I won't have to quit doing fucked up shit
For anyone but me
At the right place at the right time
It will have been worth it to stand in line
And you won't have to stop
Saying "I love cops" for anyone but me
Your private eye
I dragged this lake looking for corpses
Dusted for prints, pried up the floorboards
Pieces of planes and black box recorders
Don't lie (don't lie)
And I've been preoccupied with these sick, sick senses
That sense DNA on barbed wire fences
Maybe someday I'll find me a suspect
That has no alibi
But at the right place at the right time
I'll be dead wrong and you'll be just fine
And I won't have to quit doing fucked up shit
For anyone but me
And at the right place at the right time
It will have been worth it to stand in line
And you won't have to stop
Saying "I love cops" for anyone but me
Your private eye
Your private eye
But at the right place at the right time
I'll be dead wrong and you'll be just fine
You won't have to quit doing fucked up shit
For anyone but me
And at the right place at the right time
It will have been worth it to stand in line
And you won't have to stop
Saying "I love cops" for anyone but me
Your private eye
-Private Eye by Alkaline Trio
last modified Jun 14, 2006 at 1:46
I'm no longer working at Toppers Pizza. I kind of miss it, but not some of the people. I had a brief stint at Sitel, working under their Rogers campaign. But ultimately I ended up working at Mr. Lube. Working on cars.
I love it.
I love working on things with my hands. I love problem solving. I love complex machinery. The customers are great, and my coworkers are great. My bosses are a little annoying, but I don't mind. I can honestly say I've learned more in the past three months than I have in any span of such a time.
Relationship wise, I'm happy with Tiffany. I spend almost all my free time with her. She's great, but gets upset at herself often, so I worry.
Socially, I'm a hermit. I rarely see people, including my three other roommates.
I spend way too much money, and I don't have time these days to really do much of anything else.
That's my life. Current rating; A-
I'm so bitter and cynical these days that it's a wonder I ever smile. Maybe that's why people make such a big deal out of it...
I just can't let things go.
Onwards then, leave it all behind. Run away from everything. Again. And again. And again. Easier. Always take the path of least resistance? Easier.
How the fuck can you deal with things like that?
Atlas grows tired. Sooner or later he'll drop his charge.
Oh, what a day that will be...
I've always been somewhat antisocial, but usually for good reason.
Example.
After working at Toppers' Pizza for so long, and dealing with more than a fair share of dumbasses to work with, I have decided it is time to move on.
When looking at job postings, I immediately skip over any posting that says, 'Team environment'.
Bullshit.
Team environment really means that you'll be doing all the work while your 'co-workers' slack off, go on cigarette breaks, talk way too much, and do just enough work so that they don't get fired. Furthermore, they will fuck you over if it's the end of their shift.
Fuck that shit.
So...
I've been here almost a month and I still haven't unpacked anything. I should do that today, since I have it free.
Maybe later.
When people torment you, you ignore them and move on.
When work torments you, you stop going and find a new job.
Wish I had a better job. And I hope Cambrian accepts my application. The Fuckers.
Btw, my new house is really damn nice.
Let it be known that Bill Murray is a good actor when he's in roles suited for him, and furthermore that Groundhog Day is an awesome movie. (The day isn't too shabby either.)
I hate Christmas.
I swear, this blog has become more about me posting lyrics then trying to rip off all my darker thoughts.
Here's a dark thought; It's almost 6 in the morning and I can't sleep.
With her high heel against the wall
Kind of dancing, though not at all
She had stockings running up to her thighs
Snaps her fingers to keep the time
From the back of the room I saw her there
I said she wants to be alone and I shouldn't dare
But then she noticed me glance at her
I had no choice but to dance with her
[Chorus]
The lights that move sideways and up and down
The beat takes you over and spins you round
Our hearts steady-beating, the sweat turns to cold
We're slaves to the DJ and out of control
I watched her feet move, her hips they sway
Does a hair flip then starts to say
Oh, my God, it's my favorite song
I pull her close and she sings along
We can't slow down even if we tried
If the record keeps spinning so will I
She likes disco and tastes like a tear
Tells me don't stop dancing and she's pulling me near
[Chorus]
We've got nowhere to go, we've got nothing to prove
Instead of dancing alone, I should be dancing with you
This song is turning me on, the beat is doing me in
Or maybe it's only you, but either way, lets begin
[X3]
Sometimes I try to do things, and it just doesn't work out the way I wanted to.
And I get real frustrated and like I try hard to do it.
I like take my time and it doesn't work out the way I wanted to.
It's like I concentrate on it real hard and it doesn't work out
And Everything I do and everything I try it never turns out.
It's like I need time to figure these things out.
There's always someone there going
Hey Buddy:
You know, we've been noticing you've been having a lot of problems lately.
You know, you need to maybe get away and like maybe you should talk about it,
you'll feel a lot better
I go:
No it's okay, you know I'll figure it out, just leave me alone I'll figure it out.
You know I'll just work it out myself.
And they go:
Well you know if you want to talk about it I'll be here you know and you'll
probably feel a lot better if you talk about it, so why don't you talk about it?
I go:
No. I don't want to talk about it. I'm okay, I'll figure it out myself but they just keep
bugging me and they just keep bugging me and it builds up inside.
So you're gonna be institutionalized
You'll come out brainwashed with bloodshot eyes
You won't have any say
They'll brainwash you until you see their way.
I'm not crazy - institutionalized
You're the one who's crazy - institutionalized
You're driving me crazy - institutionalized
They stuck me in an institution
Said it was the only solution
to give me the needed professional help
to protect me from the enemy, myself
I was in my room and I was like just sitting there staring at the wall thinking about
everything but then again I was thinking about nothing
And my mom came in and I didn't even realize she was there and she calls my
name but I didn't even hear it, and she started screaming BUDDY! BUDDY!
And I go:
What, what's the matter?
And she goes:
What's the matter with you?
I go:
There's nothing-wrong Mom.
And she goes:
Don't tell me that, you're on drugs!
I go:
Mom I'm not on drugs I'm okay, I was just thinking you know, why don't
you get me a pepsi?
And she goes:
NO you're on drugs!
I go:
Mom I'm okay, I'm just thinking.
She goes:
No you're not thinking, you're on drugs! Normal people don't act that way!
I go:
Mom just give me a Pepsi please
All I want is a Pepsi, and she wouldn't give it to me
All I wanted was a Pepsi, just one Pepsi, and she wouldn't give it to me.
Just a Pepsi.
They give you a white shirt with long sleeves
Tied around you're back, you're treated like thieves
Drug you up because they're lazy
It's too much work to help a crazy
I'm not crazy - institutionalized
You're the one who's crazy - institutionalized
You're driving me crazy - institutionalized
They stuck me in an institution
Said it was the only solution
To give me the needed professional help
To protect me from the enemy, myself
I was sitting in my room and my mom and my dad came in and they pulled up
a chair and they sat down, they go:
Buddy, we need to talk to you
And I go:
Okay what's the matter?
They go:
Me and your mom we've been noticing lately that you've been having a lot of
problems, you've been going off for no reason and we're afraid you're gonna
hurt somebody, we're afraid you're gonna hurt yourself.
So we decided that it would be in your best interest if we put you somewhere
where you could get the help that you need.
And I go:
Wait, what are you talking about, we decided!? My best
interest?! How do you know what MY best interest is? How can you say what
MY best interest is? What are you trying to say, I'M crazy? When I went to
YOUR schools, when I went to YOUR churches, when I went to YOUR institutional learning
facilities?! How can you say I'm crazy?
They say they're gonna fix my brain
Alleviate my suffering and my pain
But by the time they fix my head
Mentally I'll be dead
I'm not crazy - institutionalized
You're the one who's crazy - institutionalized
You're driving me crazy - institutionalized
They stuck me in an institution
Said it was the only solution
To give me the needed professional help
To protect me from the enemy, myself
Doesn't matter. I'll probably get hit by a car anyway.
A job is nice. But my life feels extremely empty right now.
Ice-age heat wave, can't complain.
If the world's at large, why should I remain?
Walked away to another plan.
Gonna find another place, maybe one I can stand.
I move on to another day, to a whole new town with a whole new way.
Went to the porch to have a thought.
Got to the door and again, I couldn't stop.
You don't know where and you don't know when.
But you still got your words and you got your friends.
Walk along to another day.
Work a little harder, work another way.
Well uh-uh baby I ain't got no plan.
We'll float on maybe would you understand?
Gonna float on maybe would you understand?
Well I'll float on maybe would you understand?
The days get shorter and the nights get cold.
I like the autumn but this place is getting old.
I pack up my belongings and I head for the coast.
It might not be a lot but I feel like I'm making the most.
The day's get longer and the nights smell green.
I guess it's not surprising but it's spring and I should leave.
I like songs about drifters - books about the same.
They both seem to make me feel a little less insane.
Walked on off to another spot.
I still haven't got anywhere that I want.
Did I want love? Did I need to know?
Why does it always feel like I'm caught in an undertow?
The moths beat themselves to death against the lights.
Adding their breeze to the summer nights.
Outside, water like air was great.
I didn't know what I had that day.
Walk a little farther to another plan.
You said that you did, but you didn't understand.
I know that starting over is not what life's all about.
But my thoughts were so loud, I couldn't hear my mouth.
My thoughts were so loud, I couldn't hear my mouth.
My thoughts were so loud.
There are days when I hate my work, and then there was today. I would quit my job on a matter of pride and principle. Even if it would be the wrong thing to do.
On an unrelated note, I hate people who judge me and my life.
Sometimes I feel like I deserve to burn in hell. For being me. It's a self-flagellating type of feeling. Always has been.
I don't live with my regrets. I try not to regret anything. Caustic and defensive and uncaring and stoic. That's what I am, right?
I don't eliminate or convert these regrets to escape them. I bury them. Because sometimes, I like to open my little treasure box of memories and dump everything out.
When you first cast your eyes on something that you haven't seen in ages, those memories come flooding back. And when it's 5:30 in the morning, lying awake with insomnia... I open myself up to these memories.
Perhaps it's the loneliness. Perhaps it's the regret. Perhaps it's just wishful thinking...
Cake.
People say I'm proud of things that I shouldn't be. That I'm a warped person with a warped mind. (insomnia does that to you)
I keep most of my old e-mails. Mainly the important ones. They remind of what it's like to have feelings, when I forget.
In them are faces, events, emotions, and people. What I find are regrets. If I didn't have them, I would truly be emotionless, wouldn't I?
But... when I recall these things...
It would certainly seem so.
Uncaring. Not dependable. Lazy. Asshole. Liar. Fuckhead. Jerkwad. How dare you? How could you? Why? Why?
Every person I've ever hurt. Every person I've ever cared for and that has cared for me. Friends. Lovers. Family. I let them down almost daily.
Sometimes it seems like my life started in February 2003. It was the first time I encountered love, I believe. And I couldn't handle it. I guess I never could.
Heartbreaker was never something I was proud of... Never. It was my way of saying that I let everyone who ever got close to me down.
I think I love you, but what am I so afraid of?
I'm afraid of a love there is no cure for...
It's... a little sad how I push everyone away. It's like I'm scared. Scared to be me. I never knew who that was, but at the same time I doubt a lot of people really know who they are. (Thank God for blogs and the internet...)
From the mother who was never around,
to the girls who hated me in elementary,
and that I made fun of and teased back,
to the childhood fling I had at camp with Irene,
and the crushes on girls who were repulsed by me,
and lacking the courage to even talk to most girls...
Irene
Celine
Carole
Alex
Marie
Regan
Courtney
Kat
Alisa
Amanda
Jazz
Allison.
I'm missing a few. I had trouble remembering names. (It's 6:30 now, so sue me.)
It's funny. I still don't know anything about love. To want someone. To need someone. To be with someone.
I put your picture away... Sat down and cried today...
I just called to say I want you... Come back home...
Perhaps it's better for me this way. Better for her. What I want never really mattered. Because I could never really matter.
Do you realize you have the most beautiful face?
Should I do what I always do, because it's who I am and it's what I'm used to? Or should I take a chance and hate myself for trying to change myself for a concept I can't yet grasp?
Once upon a time we had a lot to fight for
We had a dream, we had a plan
Sparks in the air we spread a lot of envy
Didn't have to care once upon a time
Remember when I swore
My love was never ending
And you and I would never die
Remember when I swore
We had it all
We had it all
Sail away, it's time to leave
Rainy days, are yours to keep
Fade away, the night is calling my name
You will stay, I'll sail away
Once upon a time we used to burn candles
We had a place to call a home
The dream that we lived
was better than divine
Everyday was like a gift
Once upon a time
Remember when you swore
Your love was never ending
That you and I will never die
Remember when you swore
We had it all
We'd never fall
Sail away, it's time to leave
Rainy days, are yours to keep
Fade away, twilight's calling my name
You will stay, I'll sail away
No reason to lie
No need to pretend
I'm grateful to die
To live once again
I'm fearless to fly
And reach for the end
And reach for the end
Sail away
Sail away, it's time to leave
Rainy days, are yours to keep
Fade away, the night is calling my name
You will stay, I'll sail away
Sail away
The night is calling my name
Sail away
At work, I'm like the second coming of Jesus because of my work ethic and intelligence. It's nice.
Platelets donating tomorrow. Fun stuff.
Work is good.
Scratch that post from 4:20. I love my work now.
I wonder if I still lie to people. I don't think I do, but then, I'm either more comfortable with lying that it's more than second nature, or it's the fact that I don't have to anymore.
Something I'll look out for.
This song has really made me think about it lately...
'Cuz I lie
Not because I want to
But I seem to need to
All the time
Yeah, I lie
And I don't even know it
Maybe this is
All a part of my flawed design
And ever since I figured out
That I could control other people
I've had trouble sleeping
With both eyes closed
And if I asked permission
If I make sure it's ok
I promise I won't slip up this time
You can trust me
But never take advice from someone
Who just admitted to being devious
Who just confessed to treason
And I would ask
That you never ask a question
That I cannot ask myself
For it might
Dirty up your conscience
'Cuz I lie
Not because I want to
But I seem to need to
All the time
Yeah, I lie
And I don't even know it
(Stabilo - Flawed Design)
People make up their minds about people regardless of what they're actually like. For good and bad.
What's this? I'm updating this thing and it hasn't even been a month yet? I'm not sad right now? It's 5 in the morning and I'm still wide awake?
Will the wonders never cease?
I actually look forward to work sometimes. That scares the hell out of me. It's not like it's fun or anything. I barely talk to anyone, and I'm on my feet in an extremely hot place (especially now that it's practically summer) the majority of the time, and I usually haven't eaten anything before or during my shift. In fact, it's not that fun at all. Everytime I always look forward to the time I'm finished and can spend it alone or with Ally. Still, I guess what I look forward to is the fact that I'm no longer ignorant in most aspects of the job, and can actually pull my weight. It's a good feeling.
Not one I'm used to.
Maybe I should stop trying to be perfect, because I don't know what that is.
In other news, I wish Lavar Arrington would sign with the Giants already, but he wants way too much money. No biggie. We're still favoured to win the NFC East this year, whoo.
New computer today, woo.
Wow, more than a month since my last update. I'm not sure I've ever really neglected this blog that much, though to be honest there hasn't been that much to talk about lately. I'm very content in my life, minus the lack of a job, and I feel very close to that special someone of mine, Ally.
7 months in less than a week. I'm happy. I wish I could keep a job for that long...
Work is finally looking up for me.
I think I'd have made a great Philosophy major. Aside from the fact it would only allow me to become a Philosophy teacher afterwards. >_>
I know we don't talk much but you're such a good talker,
oh-whoa
Well I know we should take a walk but you're such a fast walker, oh-whoa,
well alright
I know where I'll be tonight, alright
Outta mind outta site
Well O.K., I know you don't love me but you'll still be thinking of me,
oh-whoa
Well alright, I know you probably hate me, that's O.K. with me, alright
I know where I'll be tonight
Outta mind outta site
Outta mind outta site
You don't see me now
You don't want to anyhow
Look out, here I come again and I'm bringing my friends
Look out, here I come again, I'm bringing my friends, o.k. alright o.k.
alright
I know where I'll be tonight, alright
Outta mind outta site
Outta mind outta si-ite
Outta mind outta si-i-i-ite
-Wilco
Funny how reading lyrics usually tells me that the message/tone of the subject is opposite of what I thought. But then, I rarely listen to the lyrics.
Work was fun. Can barely move. On my feet for over 12 hours.
Poker night now. Woo. (John Woo)
Winter's close...and the mountain high
I'll start my journey now
On this planet we call Earth we belong
I want to know
Why did God make me feel
There is more to be answered
Maybe God cannot remedy
Our souls if he tried
I seek peace of mind at least
And to know I did my best
I will pray for those I have loved
I must take your farewell
Carried by destiny
Bound to obey
I must take your farewell
Trails of discovery
Lead me an ocean away
No one holds the only truth in his hand
So who am I
To defy even God
In quest for a reason
There's no time to waste I'm afraid
When the tide is high
I won't dwell or wait no longer
Farewell by Kamelot
---
Mundane life lately, but enjoying it. There'll be change enough in the future, so for now I'm going to enjoy my monotony, damnit!
I hate Christmas. Way too commercialized, but you've all heard that one before.
...
No matter how many times I listen to this one song, it always makes me calm yet emotional in a good way. The song in question is Soul Asylum's Runaway Train. Awesome song, especially when you consider the story around it.
I'm anxious for the holiday parties. I want to have some fun.
I also want to amend for some of my past mistakes. I always do.
While I'm still on IE, I might as well update this archaic blog. It's funny, I now have everything I wanted to have a couple months ago, and I'm happy. But now that my basic needs have been met, my eyes have turned to other things; all of them involve spenditure of money.
-1st priority is a new computer. Because damnit, I want one. Probably have by mid-January.
-2nd priority is paying off OSAP. Should be fine by April.
-3rd priority is moving out. Hopefully before the summer. It shall depend on how Wednesday goes.
-4th priority is saving up money to go back to school. Hopefully I have enough by the time September rolls around, after paying rent and such.
So, budgeting carefully is the new mantra for the new year. Bringing in a net $1,600 a month, before taxes and rent, and bus pass, and spending money. I play my cards right, and I'd be saving about a $1,000 a month.
Computer will take half of January's saving.
OSAP will take the rest of that, plus February, March, and April. Possibly May and/or June if moving costs more than planned.
And tuition will be up front. If I can't afford it, then I'll take another year off, and save so that I can switch to part-time the year after.
This is assuming I keep my job, of course. And I can also take overtime, and holiday pay, and sales bonuses to inflate the paycheck.
EDIT for Jazz, because I know she reads this; It has to say something about your way with words if people rip them off like I just did up above. It makes for an interesting splash text.
I don't understand how I could not be pissed off at certain people right now.
I don't know if I should be mad at Ry, Lex, Joce and Sarah right now. I'm not too impressed with any of them right now, but in the same token I'm a very understanding person. I knew I was out of place, so I shouldn't have expected people to, you know, actually try to not ignore me as they go make out for the rest of the night.
And yet, the couple who were actually in the long distance relationship, the two you'd be most understanding towards them being all over each other... they were the ones who went out of their way to make sure I wasn't left out. For that, I really appreciate them.
And I got no apologies either from the others. I wonder if they even realized how shitty I felt. Ry knows what I'm talking about because this has happened to her before... so it was a little surprising to see her act like that. But whatever. No one's perfect.
What I'm trying to say is, I don't blame anyone for Saturday night. But I am disappointed. It'll pass, it always does. It comes with holding people to high standards of friendship.
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