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I'm going to...
Sometimes I feel like I deserve to burn in hell. For being me. It's a self-flagellating type of feeling. Always has been.
I don't live with my regrets. I try not to regret anything. Caustic and defensive and uncaring and stoic. That's what I am, right?
I don't eliminate or convert these regrets to escape them. I bury them. Because sometimes, I like to open my little treasure box of memories and dump everything out.
When you first cast your eyes on something that you haven't seen in ages, those memories come flooding back. And when it's 5:30 in the morning, lying awake with insomnia... I open myself up to these memories.
Perhaps it's the loneliness. Perhaps it's the regret. Perhaps it's just wishful thinking...
Cake.
People say I'm proud of things that I shouldn't be. That I'm a warped person with a warped mind. (insomnia does that to you)
I keep most of my old e-mails. Mainly the important ones. They remind of what it's like to have feelings, when I forget.
In them are faces, events, emotions, and people. What I find are regrets. If I didn't have them, I would truly be emotionless, wouldn't I?
But... when I recall these things...
It would certainly seem so.
Uncaring. Not dependable. Lazy. Asshole. Liar. Fuckhead. Jerkwad. How dare you? How could you? Why? Why?
Every person I've ever hurt. Every person I've ever cared for and that has cared for me. Friends. Lovers. Family. I let them down almost daily.
Sometimes it seems like my life started in February 2003. It was the first time I encountered love, I believe. And I couldn't handle it. I guess I never could.
Heartbreaker was never something I was proud of... Never. It was my way of saying that I let everyone who ever got close to me down.
I think I love you, but what am I so afraid of?
I'm afraid of a love there is no cure for...
It's... a little sad how I push everyone away. It's like I'm scared. Scared to be me. I never knew who that was, but at the same time I doubt a lot of people really know who they are. (Thank God for blogs and the internet...)
From the mother who was never around,
to the girls who hated me in elementary,
and that I made fun of and teased back,
to the childhood fling I had at camp with Irene,
and the crushes on girls who were repulsed by me,
and lacking the courage to even talk to most girls...
Irene
Celine
Carole
Alex
Marie
Regan
Courtney
Kat
Alisa
Amanda
Jazz
Allison.
I'm missing a few. I had trouble remembering names. (It's 6:30 now, so sue me.)
It's funny. I still don't know anything about love. To want someone. To need someone. To be with someone.
I put your picture away... Sat down and cried today...
I just called to say I want you... Come back home...
Perhaps it's better for me this way. Better for her. What I want never really mattered. Because I could never really matter.
last modified Sep 11, 2006 at 3:39
Wow.. It's been so long since I've perused (had to search for the right spelling of that word, I did) through the onslaught of dark rhetoric found only on your corner of danchan. Hehe, never fails to quench any sense of delight I may have been experiencing only moments earlier. Keep up the good work.
Remember, remember, the fifth of November...
I agree, Danchan is alive!
Danchan is alive!!!
Meow.
I still don't know what you meant by what you said there.
You do realize that now I have to harpoon you with a sledge hammer... don't you?
*harpoons with sledge hammer*
...sorry, that must've hurt.
I'd call you now, but it's 3:45 in the morning. Thank you for calling me at work to wish me a happy birthday. That made my day.
This is just going to be a page full of Ally comments... hehe.
If anyone else comments I will harpoon them... with a sledge hammer.
HAHAHAHHAHA! (/psycho)
Nevermind, you can call me. I'm upset, but I'll get over it.
Happy Birthday again.
Yar.
Nevermind, don't call me. I'm angry at you. I thought I meant something.
Cake is MINE.
It's funny. I still don't know anything about love. To want someone. To need someone. To be with someone.
...Thanks.
I could never really matter either.
Maybe it is better this way.
When will you stop being afraid of living and just be who you want to be?
Call me if you'd like to talk...
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