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Black Rose Immortal
Latest posts below.
I dragged this lake looking for corpses
Dusted for prints, pried up the floorboards
Pieces of planes and black box recorders
Don't lie (don't lie)
And I've been preoccupied with these sick, sick senses
That sense DNA on barbed wire fences
Maybe someday I'll find me a suspect
That has no alibi
New Year's Eve was as boring as heaven
I watched flies fuck on channel 11
There was no one to kiss, there was nothing to drink
Except some old rotten milk someone left in the sink
And there's no ring, there's no ring on the phone anymore
There's no reason to call I passed out on the floor
Smoked myself stupid and drank my insides raisin dry
But at the right place at the right time
I'll be dead wrong and you'll be just fine
I won't have to quit doing fucked up shit
For anyone but me
At the right place at the right time
It will have been worth it to stand in line
And you won't have to stop
Saying "I love cops" for anyone but me
Your private eye
I dragged this lake looking for corpses
Dusted for prints, pried up the floorboards
Pieces of planes and black box recorders
Don't lie (don't lie)
And I've been preoccupied with these sick, sick senses
That sense DNA on barbed wire fences
Maybe someday I'll find me a suspect
That has no alibi
But at the right place at the right time
I'll be dead wrong and you'll be just fine
And I won't have to quit doing fucked up shit
For anyone but me
And at the right place at the right time
It will have been worth it to stand in line
And you won't have to stop
Saying "I love cops" for anyone but me
Your private eye
Your private eye
But at the right place at the right time
I'll be dead wrong and you'll be just fine
You won't have to quit doing fucked up shit
For anyone but me
And at the right place at the right time
It will have been worth it to stand in line
And you won't have to stop
Saying "I love cops" for anyone but me
Your private eye
-Private Eye by Alkaline Trio
last modified Jun 14, 2006 at 1:46
Trying my hand at writing something. Check this out.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0266308/
It's based off of a popular novel/Movie in which 40 teens are stranded on an island, and are forced to kill each other to survive.
So far, I have these 40 people:
Adric
Alex L. (Lex)
Alex N. (Alex, until a different nickname is picked...)
Alex V. (Biff)
Alannah
Amanda
Booshi (Liz)
Brittany
Carole
Caitlyn
Chris (Jonesy)
Clayton
Corey G. (C or K?)
Courtney
Darien
Dave
Devo
Jacob
Janis
Jeff
Jesse
Jocelyn
Jordan
Karl
Kipton
Kyla
Marie
Melanie
Mike (Demmy)
Mike (Dezzy)
Nicole
Pat
Perry
Rachel
Regan
Ryannon
Shane
Steve
Swetha
Tomas
Do realize that a lot of these people are on here because I was strapped for bodies... er, names... People.
Each person will receive a random weapon, and the order of death will be determined beforehand, letting the story write itself. (Because I don't really want to choose who has to live and die, though if it fits the story, I'll change it and put it in)
Keep in mind this is still in it's planning stages. If you want to be left out for moral reasons, or because you don't want to die, please say so. Until then, I'll assume I have your implied permission, hehe...
Btw, once I start writing, I'll create another weblog to post the story in for all to see. Here's to hoping I get around to it and finish it!
Much speculation over the years as to which character or characters in shakespeare's play caused the death of Romeo and Juliet, but so far all of it has been completely wrong. Whether settling on the obvious (and therefore obviously WRONG) conclusion that they were responsible for their own deaths, or blaming God or their parents or the trees, we miss several key points that clearly illustrate the truth, as I will attempt to demonstrate. This truth is: Romeo and Juliet never died at all.
The first, and most obvious basis for this conclusion that most scholars miss is that Romeo and Juliet aren't real people. They are, in fact, characters in a play. I have consulted many philosophers, biologists, and theologians on the subject, and they have all come to the same conclusion. If something was never alive, it can't be killed. To verify this discovery I spent the rest of the afternoon trying to murder a rock. It simply couldn't be done.
With evidence this damning, I could end this paper here, but apparently it has to be five paragraphs long, so I'll continue with my second observation which proves the same conclusion. Romeo and Juliet, as written by Shakespeare, are clearly meant to portray two young grifters out to hone their skills, not depressing, angsty, suicidal teens. The fact that they dress like everyone else is a dead give away. Con artists want to fit in, be one of the crowd. Suicidal teens wear all black, die their hair purple, and listen to punk music.
So Romeo and Juliet take their grifting too far and cause their families to start murdering each other, which is all too common for adolescent behavior. When it looks like they get will caught, Juliet fakes her own death. The deception comes so easily to her. So are we to believe Romeo kills himself with the poison, or is this another con, this time directed at the audience? I propose the latter. Juliet once again does the same, and the play ends. The audience leaves depressed, and Shakespeare gets a laugh at our expense. I for one am not falling for it.
So there it is. Generations of scholars proven to be idiots in a mere four paragraphs, or five if you want to count this one, which will mostly consist of gloating. Fictional characters, who can't die, have tricked nearly everyone into thinking they died, when they didn't, not even fictionally. It's a sad commentary on these literary minds when a teenage boy like myself, who has to his recollection never even read Romeo and Juliet seriously, can surpass them in every way.
---
*sniff* Brings a tear to my eye...
What is time?
Time is how we see events happen. It is a rate at which things happen, but what is it. The Wheeler DeWitt equation says it is a manifestation of consciousness, and that the universe consists of four dimensions of space. Then how do we see time happen throughout the universe?
The definition of time according to general relativity and non-gravity quantum mechanics is that time is a fourth spatial dimension, but everything moves along it linearly applying most of the maximum speed (c) to move along it with the exception of light, which travels in only in the three standard spatial dimensions. This is the basis of general relativity and is the accepted form of our universe. Unfortunately, the simplest union of general relativity and quantum mechanics is the Wheeler DeWitt equation of quantum gravity. The only problem is that it does away with a special fourth dimension and states that it is space just like the other three.
The physics community has not accepted the Wheeler DeWitt model of quantum gravity because it has no time. The concept of time ceases to exist, Wheeler and DeWitt took it no further, and it has much been ignored. It seems that relativity would work in a four-dimensional space if you could define time but this has not been pursued.
Some would say, pish, you don't need time, let the philosophers figure that one out, but time and speeds make relativity work.
So what is time? Is it the rate of movement in one dimension compared to another, similar to slope on a two dimensional graph? If it is, then why can't we see this fourth dimension? Why is consciousness trapped in a three dimensional slice of four-dimensional space? The concept of destiny is not ruined. The Uncertainty Principal sees to it. Quantum fluctuations and the fact that paths are probable not definite, prevent us from knowing exactly what will happen, only the probability.
Quantum God
Early peoples noticed the inexplicable and were perplexed. They created God to explain things. In time, science caught up and explained many things, but there are still some unexplained happenings to this date. Perhaps God does exist, and that we can never explain everything, or, there is a god, but not in the usual sense. Perhaps God is simpler than we think, but at the same time the most complex happening in the universe, the Quantum Foam.
In an "empty" region of space, there is actually much activity. Particles and anti-particles coming into existence and annihilating each other, canceling out their effect on the universe, but black holes have entropy because they pull away one of the particles. What if the anti-particle annihilated the wrong particle, could that not have an effect on the ultimate outcome of the universe?
If these undulations were large enough, could that outcome be noticeable? If it was a large enough change, then is it possible that this is the force early peoples took to be God? If so, our religion could be based on something that governs the ultimate outcome of the universe, but not in the sense of a higher consciousness? If this is true, then what is prayer? Is it possible consciousness can influence the outcome of the universe? Then how? Is consciousness more than the fundamental particles?
So perhaps God is the collective influence of consciousness on the fundamental particles, and explains the rise of religion in EVERY culture to come about until modern times, where Atheism has come about, and science has caused much Agnosticism as well. This lack of belief may end god. People ask why there can be so much evil can happen, and this is an answer. Of course we now come to the question ‘What is consciousness?’ and may end full circle and none the wiser.
---
Of course, so many of you will probably just skip over it because you don't feel like thinking, or don't understand it... sigh...
Tigers may not be the king of the jungle, but these striped cats are no wimps! Magnetic and self-possessed, Tigers are born leaders. They have an air of authority that prompts others to fall in line, which is exactly how they like it. Even so, they can adopt the pose of a lone wolf, preferring to stalk their "prey" on their own. This cat can be wound up pretty tightly! As a result, time is of the essence to Tigers, the better to get ahead and stay there.
Courageous beyond compare, Tigers generally come out ahead in battle, be it in the boardroom or the bedroom. Speaking of the boudoir, this is one area where the Tiger is definitely king! Noble and warm-hearted, Tigers tend to have a raw appeal that's extremely attractive. Ever on the side of right, Tigers will fight the good fight to the bitter end if the cause is worthy. Opponents are wise to fear a feline that can smell victory a mile away.
A bit of caution is a good thing around Tigers, since they can pounce without warning. They experience mood swings and often feel things more intensely than others, the latter quality being both good and bad. They can react poorly under stress and are prone to emotional outbursts. It's the bristling sensitivity of this sleek cat that can cause friend and foe to run for cover.
A lesson which Tigers would be well-served to learn is "moderation in all things." Once these cats can find their center and direct their considerable energies toward worthwhile endeavors (as opposed to racing through life), they will accomplish much.
The eyes stare,
and the face sits motionless,
waiting to be moulded
Both are a canvas,
Displaying the paint
of your emotions
You are the artist,
painting pictures of emotion,
and sketching deepest feelings.
Your pallet of colours,
Can conceal even the darkest of pain.
We are the masters of masks.
-Ryannon, the master of masks
Kill count today: Somewhere in the 4-digit numbers, easily... Feeling kinda wonky after watching NBK. Great movie.
Sitting here forcing my mom to listen to Opeth and Acid Bath. She likes them.
The wonders of internet not working downstairs, but up here on her computer. I still have no idea how that's happening... especially when they're both connected throught the same hub... o_O
Problems with my brother are going good, thankfully, being resolved and stuff... Hope he goes to jail, the fucker...
Anywho... I'll be seeing most of you tomorrow, or today, depending on when you're reading this and whether or not you care if I think it feels like Yesterday...
Fun Fact: Yesterday by Paul McCartney (A great song) is the most played song in existence... So you can guess what the song of today is...Yesterday
P.S. Want to play a mean joke on my mom? Leave a case of 24 beer lying around, but water down the beer and don't tell her.
She's still punching those responsible, heh...
Offspring>j00
That's right. j00.
Does this mean the world's going to end?
OF COURSE NOT YOU STUPID FUCKTARD!
I feel like totally bitching somebody out today... the feeling of pwnage has been absent for too long.
My stupid internet decides to not work at all yesterday. I never realized how addicted I was to it. Especially when there is shit all to do.
When given the offer to spend the night at Janis', albeit very late in the day, I jumped at the offer. Of course, it meant taking the city bus, since people don't like to give rides out of the goodness of their heart. (For fuck sakes, he was headed to Toronto...)
Hm... pancakes or sleep? The eternal question. If you know me, you know what my answer was.
If you don't, it was neither. I tried sleeping in, but Janis' mom says he doesn't know how to make pancakes, therefore he shouldn't.
But thanks to his sister sleeping in, she made us French Toast. I had 5 or 6.
Ugh... I think I'm going to give up drinking... the hangover's are just too painful...
FUCK YOU, MANG!
That's right. Scarface. Al Pacino.
God (or some other reasonable facsimile,) please give me the strength to not kill anyone after watching these crime movies. I already want to. Movies with a million deaths probably won't help that at all.
Of course, facial deconstruction is still allowed. ;)
Of course, no one cares about strangers and people they don't know... bah.
*Sigh*
Whatever...
Today could be called fun. Piled wood. Got chaperoned the entire time. Not even allowed in her freaking room... I think there's a certain lack of trust...
I went to school today, even though I have no exams. Why? Nothing better to do. Watched Identity. I guessed correctly, as usual. (though Mangled Wife was a strong suspect as well)
Jazz was fun too. I love our new pieces. I strongly hope that we are playing Ocean View as fast as we played it today. I love it. If only K-5 would come back. (And of course, we can't forget about the ever popular J-6)
My plans for the week: Tomorrow-Head to Adric's for a jam session. Accompanied by Janis and Biff.
Wednesday-Gangster movie marathon at Chris's.
Thursday-Monty Python movie marathon at Nursall's.
Friday and beyond-Nothing yet. Maybe something with Steve, since I'll have not spent much time with him over the week. Still open to suggestions.
Alright, now that that's out of the way, it's time for the serious section of today's post.
I'll give you all a moment to get into serious mode. If unable to read it seriously, then the rest of the post will just be an exercise for my fingers only.
...
Ready? No? Too bad.
Question. What would you do if you only knew you had 6 months left to live the rest of your life? Would you spend it with family? Do the things you always wanted to accomplish? Would you give up school? Would you travel the world and try to take in as much as you could before you were gone? Would you spend it quietly with your loved ones? Would you not tell anyone and cut yourself off from human contact?
My answer? To be continued...
There goes my good mood... Knew it was too good to last.
So I'm walking upstairs, finished on the computer and that, tired and on my way to go to sleep, when my mom comes up to me with tears in her eyes. My little brother is sitting at the table, his eyes slightly red.
She tells me something that happened to my younger brother, and inside I felt something snap. My big brother instincts suddenly jump to the surface, but made no ripples in my expression. Of course, I showed no emotion. She even said, "Are you understanding just how serious this is?"
If my older brother were here, he'd be pissed off, ready to kill something if he knew. (Our stepdad probably won't be much better) I guess my mom was expecting to at least show some reaction... I didn't want to let my emotions take a hold of me though... Too many of them racing through my mind, anger and sadness vying for prominence. Instead, I shut the door to them, and continue feeling emotionless, expressionless.
It hurts me more than my mom would think, because the same thing happened to me when I was younger, and I sure as hell didn't want any of my younger brothers to go through it, God... Unlike my brother though, I didn't tell anyone though... Small chance this could have been avoided if I did, so they could have known about it better... but I have no regrets.
Just... fuck...
Current Mood: Happy. No hidden contracts or things on my mind at the moment. Just happy. It's as if there's nothing else on my mind at the moment but happiness. But enough of my mood, and onto...
-Big Fish
-Very good movie. I'd say more, but Janis would castrate me... Regardless, don't see it if you're lacking in imagination or wanting the complete and utter truth of what happens. It'll still be a good movie, even then, but the ending wouldn't satisfy, and you'd leave with a sour taste in your mouth.
-Funny how I only update normally when I see a movie... I need to see more movies.
-Which one next, the Butterfly Effect? I dunno about Ashton Kutcher, but I like the concept...
-Not a lot of people showed up, but I was fine with that. Didn't want a large group of people anyways.
-End result was quite different than what I spent all day trying to accomplish. o_O
*nurses bruises on head from constant banging against the wall*
-It worked though, I got to beat two more people at Air Hockey. One of them a hockey player too!
*adds two more names to a long list*
-Still want to see Troy when it comes out. I'm crazy about the Trojan War. I just hope the movie doesn't disappoint.
-Enough about movies. Let's talk exams.
-Biology was good. ~70% or so. One guy thought the room we were in was a storage closet. -_-
-I can't help notice, but I am becoming one sexy bitch. I like my new hair style.
Hey, if it works for Steve, it can work for me.
Of course, it looks better on me. 
Anyways, I'm off for now.
*rides the lightning off into the distance*
Accept that, no matter what, people will never accept that you are accepting what they, themselves, could not accept, except when they come to realize they have accepted what you knew wasn't acceptable, given what they already accepted and thought they had expected, as they never expected it nor would they accept it if they did.
Current Song: Buck Dich - Rammstein (love German efficiency combined with drumming)
And so this wraps up Saturn's Day, January 24th. Adios.
Jon Bon Jovi is stuck in my head. Was playing in my head during Chem exam. I'll be happy to not fail. It kinda sucks too when you unluckily have to sit next to an ass who takes your chair. Of course, I went to get another one, and somehow the chair I was accidentally carrying hits him. He gets all mad and starts blaming me, cussing and the like, but I just made the 'blah blah blah' hand motion at him and concentrated on studying. Now, I was sort of hoping he would lay a hand on me, because I was ready to stab him. Some of the things he said were pretty hurtful, and I was stressed because of exams.
Ha, yeah right... Still wanted to stab him though. What can I say? I want to stab a lot of people, but I believe I was pretty close to doing so.
Then the exam started.
*fwoop* is the sound a brain makes as it squeezes out your ears and flies away as soon as that paper(s) is put in front of you.
I should have studied the period before instead of explaining what Butt-plugs were for to people. (Don't ask... don't tell)
Had 4 cans of pop before it started, a bag of chips, a muffin, two boxes of Mike and Ike's, and the usual mooched food. Too much sugar.
It's also odd... I never thought I would wake up at around 6:00AM and feel mostly rested. Must be a first for me... o_O
Another Exam friday. Maybe I should study for this one... It's for my own good, apparently...
"But I don't like my own good..."
That Sinfest quote pretty much sums up my thoughts. My mind still thinks it's the 19th. No sleep for a night does that to you. Stupid morning deterntions...
...Nedd sleep! GIVE IT TO ME~!
Or not. As soon as I'm donte this piost I'm falling asleep, r heck, I';ll even fall asleep as I'm tyoping thuis.
*looks up, sees major speelling erros*
...Bah, I'll correct them, tomorrw. BNarwe withj me (bare with me, bare with me)
Let's see ho can gess that song name and the arttist? (Lex again doesdn't not not count)
*takes qnother drink of pop, looks at the label*
...FUCK
"Caffeine-free pepsi"
Which means all my pop consumption was in deliciously tasty vain-nessism
umm... what else...
I"M AT STEEVE"S! WOO-ATHON! PATRY!
*thud*
... ugh, that split-second of sleep, enough to make me finishinmg this and then go to slepener.
My cat got a 100/100 because it's myu cat, lol ypu. Raiosed my marks 5 percents it didn't not do. So now Chemistry is the laigging behind, and I have it's exam tomorrow,. Must sleep incase I actually write klike this on the exam...
oph, and I uh... awell,... BAND was fun...
I REALLY need slep... my eyes are hurting and closing all the time now.
I aplogize for the shtittyn ess iof thsi post, but I'm not correcting anything or backlspacing to show what my mind tis truly like at them monment
Adn furthermoer...
*thud*
...zzzzzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzz....
DR Congo pygmies appeal to UN
Pygmy representatives have asked the United Nations to set up a court to try government and rebel fighters from the Democratic Republic of Congo for acts of cannibalism against their people.
Sinafasi Makelo, a representative of Mbuti pygmies, told the UN's Indigenous People's Forum that during the four-year civil war his people had been hunted down and eaten.
"In living memory, we have seen cruelty, massacres, and genocide, but we have never seen human beings hunted down as though they were game animals," he said.
"Pygmies are being pursued in the forests. People have been eaten. This is nothing more, nothing less, than a crime against humanity."
More than 600,000 pygmies are believed to live in the DR Congo's vast forests, where they survive by hunting and gathering.
Both sides in the war regard them as "subhuman", and some say their flesh can confer magical powers.
'Genocide'
UN human rights activists reported this year that rebels had carried out acts of cannibalism.
Some of the worst atrocities allegedly took place when the rebel Movement for the Liberation of Congo (MLC) - which controls the northern DR Congo - tried to take the town of Mambasa from the rival Congolese Rally for Democracy last year.
Mr Makelo called on the forum to ask the UN Security Council to recognise cannibalism as a crime against humanity and an act of genocide.
There have been allegations of cannibalism during the recent conflict between Hema and Lendu militia in the north-western Ituri region but a spokesman for the UN mission in Kinshasa said these were difficult to confirm.
At least 300 people are said to have died in the fighting.
A mass grave containing the remains of more than 30 men, women and children was found near the town of Bunia, UN officials said.
Church leaders and residents have accused Lendu militiamen of killing civilians, cutting open their chests, removing hearts, lungs and livers, and eating them.
UN investigation
Father Joseph Deneckere, a Belgian priest who has lived in the DR Congo since 1970, said that traditional superstitious beliefs, entrenched hatreds and attempts to settle old scores lay behind the atrocities, the Associated Press news agency reported.
"Some of the victims had their sexual organs missing after tribal fighters cut them off to use as charms," he said.
Tribal fighters had also been seen wandering around the bush with human organs "draped from their weapons".
UN officials have opened a formal investigation into the allegations.
I wubs humanity, don't you?
Anyways, now that the tone is set for the day, I'm hungry.
*exhales breath in melancholy fashion*
(told you, didn't I? I'm always right when it comes to these things)
woo, I'm pulling two C's, and two A's in my classes...
Coming back to school next year anyways. Stupid Co-op thingy taking up so much space...
And I'm likely not going to Semi, nor the Music Banquet (despite the numerous awards I'll win)
Explanations are best left for another day.
Oh and Tomas expresses his thanks for the Russian Roulette thing. I swear, one of these days we'll end up playing each other in that game. If I win, I win. If I lose, I still win. What a great game. :p
...
Still wish I had that gun though...
Interesting thought. Every time I go to Marie's, her parents make me do work. Whether it's shovelling, stacking/splitting wood, doing the dishes, helping with dinner, (and making chocolate, YUM!) washing the floors or vacuuming, I'm always doing something. It's like her parents are making me earn the right to be dating their daughter, aside from the normal things associated with being with someone... No one said it would be easy, but hey, it's worth it.
You think her father feeling me up would have been more than enough though. o_O
Well, Exams are coming up and you know what that means: Absolutely nothing. (well, to me anyways) Why? Because I don't study. Now, I realize there are probably more than a few of you smacking your forehead or shaking your heads, and with good cause, but I tell you all this: Don't worry. Seriously, we have enough stress in our lives as it is. I'm not saying to stop studying though, as only I am intelligent enough to pass my exams without studying...
I'm in a good mood, so don't take me seriously. I'll probably be depressed tomorrow. Actually, Gary Jules' Mad World just came on... there goes the good mood.
Still don't care. I'm going to fail anyways, I'm barely passing as is, and I'm just too lazy to study...
*starts shaking*
*goes to download Bon Jovi... finally*
...
Man I love this song:
You say we've got nothing in common
No common ground to start from
And we're falling apart
You say the world has come between us
Our lives have come between us
But I know you just don't care
And I said "What about Breakfast at Tiffany's?"
She said "I think I remember the film
And as I recall, I think we both kinda liked it"
And I said "Well, that's the one thing we've got"
I see you, the only one who knew me
But now your eyes see through me
I guess I was wrong
So what now? It's plain to see we're over
I hate when things are over
When so much is left undone
It's going to be in my head for the next week at least... I wonder who can guess the title of the song and who does it. (Lex doesn't count or I'll break his hands)
*grins*
Man I'm so tired. Tired tired tired... bleh
You may have noticed just by talking to me anyways. If I'm irritable, that's why.
Went to bed at 1, got woken up at 3, and again at 5. My stupid cat. She's going to be fixed soon. I think a couple other people could stand to be fixed as well, but meh...
It's not why I missed school though. Stupid foot... I swear, it takes me 5 minutes to climb the stairs. We need a handrail for the basement stairs...
There's something about dreaming of a skeletal rat with antlers in a fur cloak crying while leaves are falling and everything was gray... Maybe because it reminds me of someone I know...
In my last comment, Janis has informed me that he meant to say Splash instead of Slash. We both agreed Slash sounded better.
Anyways, a quote from a friend's site. She's a fellow Nazi apparently, when I didn't even know we were Nazi's in the first place... o_O
"Jesse Toma: This guy is the weirdest guy i know. He also is going out with one of my friend Marie. (if he hurts her ill hurt him. jk.lol) Goes to Lockerby. (note from Marie - I like him alive, please"
If you can't guess whose site this is, you need help...
...In finding the site! BOO-YAH!
So it looks like I am going to Lockerby... Always knew that there was someone on the internet tracking my movements... Now I have proof.
My cat has really cool eyes. I want eyes like her. Albino-like, almost. They're blue normally, but when light hits them, they turn completely red. Freaky as hell, man.
OW! damnit, AH, it hurts like a fucking... >_<
*insert long string of curses*
Stupid snow... I think my ankle is seriously broken... nice little discoloured green bump raising outta my foot there... OW! No touching it I guess...
>_>
<_<
...
OW!
It hurts! It hurts!
owie-owie-owie-owie-owie
I'm going to be agony for a little while...
I have the idea in my head to smash the other one with a baseball bat, to make it a matching set... but I'm in the basement. It hurt enough falling down the stairs, it'll be hell crawling up them. (but once I'm up them...)
...Stupid thought.
*expels it*
In other news, Pink suits me, and in several people's opinions, (one being a teacher's,) Pink seems to be my colour.
AAAAAAHHHHH!
*cowers in a dark corner*
If a cup is filled halfway with water, is it half-empty or half-full to you?
Me: Well, Steve would agree I'd say something like, "You going to drink that?" But my answer would have to be to pour it into a smaller glass, so it's more full than empty.
Answer: Wrong. There were only two possible answers. Obviously you can't read the fucking question, dumbass.
-_-
Acid Bath
New Corpse
The pagan flames burn through the night
Everything's mine
Blackness my whore I bleed the light
Everything's mine
I know my time is coming soon
Everything's mine
Miles of bone lay on the ground
It's all mine
In remembrance of warmth would you shit on me?
I am the new corpse paling beneath the shade tree
You can't give me what I need
Picking at scabs with ambition to bleed
You're mine
The war machine moves forward lifeless
Everything's mine
We feed larvae with the blood of our martyrs
Everything's mine
We burn the flames of the funeral carnival
Everything's mine
I am death walking up in a coffin
It's all mine
I eat the eyes and pray to see
the emptiness inside of me
I eat the brain and pray to know
anarchy of fallen angels
I want to be the enemy
The hero is dead
I put the newest hole in his head
I want to be the enemy
The hero is dead
I put the newest hole in his head
Bleed for me, we were born dead
I want to be the enemy
The hero is dead
I put the newest hole in his head
I want to be the enemy
The hero is dead
I put the newest hole in his head
Bleed for me, we were born dead,
dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead
Falling chunks of flesh
Ejaculating sickness
Everything's mine
Shit lord, scum God swallow me whole
Everything's mine
I am death waking up in a coffin
Everything's mine
Your new corpse is beauty
Dying on the inside
It's all mine...
Mine.
When you think about it, how much of everything belongs to me? I don't the fact that I'd 'manipulative' and 'controlling' and shit, but... actually, it pretty much is what I'm talking about... Do I subconsciously manipulate people for my own ends?
So far 3 people think so...
My brain hurts.
Some people probably think half the shit I put on this weblog is for attention, and rightfully so. If I saw this stuff on another blog, my thoughts wouldn't be far from theirs. I never put down anything here that wasn't true to me. Yes, I'm suicidal. Have been for a long time. There was a time last year when I wasn't. I miss those days, but they're gone. I don't live in the past, constantly regretting things I could have done differently, or not done at all.
Life goes on.
...
*runs hands through hair*
sigh...
Fuck, I'm a shit-for-brains...
Of course we all are at points, people will say.
I'm getting closer to analyzing why I'm so depressed all the time. I'm a perfectionist. If something's not perfect, I try to fix it. But there are things beyond my control to fix which I must deal with. Then I must decide why I get to decide what is perfect and what isn't? Who gave me that authority?
Thus I rarely actively try to be perfect. However, I at least try to be perfect myself. Problem is, I fail constantly. Maybe because the definition of perfection changes.
..And fuck the person who comments: "Nobody's perfect" or something like that. It's all subconscious.
If it's subconscious though, what can I do to change it then? Or why should I in the first place?
*goes off to stare into the distance for a while*
All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places, worn out faces
Bright and early for their daily races
Going nowhere, going nowhere
And their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression, no expression
Hide my head I want to drown my sorrow
No tomorrow, no tomorrow
And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
'Cause I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very, very
Mad World
Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday
Made to feel the way that every child should
Sit and listen, sit and listen
Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me, no one knew me
Hello teacher tell me what's my lesson
Look right through me, look right through me
---
I'm depressed again (still)
I'm crying for the first time in months
I'm going to cry myself to sleep tonight
I'm going to be falsely happy tomorrow
I'm just warning you now
...rather annoying for when you're trying to eat processed cheese (I'm a teenager. It's cheese. What more do you want?)
Typing this as I write an E-mail. Those who care, raise your hands.
*see lots of legs raised*
...Bunch of jokers, aren't you...
Anyways, apologies for missing school today.
When everything's made to be broken, I just want you to know who I am ... says:
*waves*
I find those to be suitable excuses. Your stabbings have become slightly less imminent. says:
*gets seasickness*
When everything's made to be broken, I just want you to know who I am ... says:
*stops motion, and hands a mini-puke bag... just in case*
I find those to be suitable excuses. Your stabbings have become slightly less imminent. says:
yeah, my stomach contents like to leave my stomach often...
When everything's made to be broken, I just want you to know who I am ... says:
Im assuming thats why you werent at school today...
I find those to be suitable excuses. Your stabbings have become slightly less imminent. says:
Oh no, I just wanted to sleep in :P
Like I said, I love my sleep...
Hmm... going to find out soon if I'm going to Kelowna after I'm done my exams. That means 4 days on a bus, then about a week of visiting my brother, seeing my dad, and then visiting the only family I've ever known outside of my immediate family, who just happen to be in the process of dying. Life is good sometimes... For everything else, there's MasterCard... (sorry, couldn't help myself)
This also means I'll be waiting up to a month before I get my guitar. I don't mind, because I can always buy a guitar whenever, and family members in the transition to death are much harder to come by...
Any fun things to do on long bus rides? I don't think I'll have enough music... I'm also worried about falling asleep on it, but I'm not the first person to have such fears. Then, there's the bathrooms...
Ooh, good idea! I'll bring my camera :D That way I can take a photo of the elusive species; 'dying family member'
I'll stop being morbid now...
This isn't really news, as I was told about this a week or so ago, but I just learned today that I might be going out there.
Clarinet practicing is going well... Still not too good in it, but then, it took me years to perfect the Alto sax, and I'm still working on the Tenor as well.
I hope we get to go that big formal concert thing in a month. We'll probably need to do quite a bit of practicing. It also means I'll need to dress up nicely, AH!
Reservoir Dogs was a good movie.
Steve still has my Platoon movie. *narrows eyes*
*insert long bitchy rant about getting forwards*
Now that that's out of the way...
*goes back to writing E-mail*
...My hands still smell like tomatoes. >_<
I wasn't kidding when I said I'd kill anyone who stood in the way of my sleep. Your life is now forfeit. If you've ever wanted to do something meaningful with your life, I'd suggest doing it within the next....... thirty-six minutes.
Current Mood: hmm... let's just say happy. It's a vague enough term...
-Saw Return of the King today. I suppose you all expect me to do some sort of mini-review where I post my opinions as if they actually mattered... Well, screw you because I'm doing it anyways.
-I liked it. One of the few movies I'd actually buy the DVD for (and there are precious few that can attain that honour.) Samwise kicked ass in that movie, as did just about everyone else. Biggest gripe? They cut out Sharky. Kind of funny, because that probably would have made the movie worse for me. I liked the ending(s) as they were. My rating: Some numerical value/Some closely equivalent but higher numerical value
-So far this weekend is turning out alright, I guess. It's not like it's going bad or anything, with a few notable exceptions, but overall, it beats being at home doing nothing. Not by much though, because I'm just sitting at Steve's doing nothing, cursing all my scratched CD's...
-*whispers*
Got to go, 'Steve' is home... yeah...
Current Song: Adam's Song - Blink 182 (Hey, it's a depressing suicidal song. Go figure.)
And so this wraps up Saturn's Day, January 10th. Adios
teddy bears and razorblades
are running through my head
and neither one is what I want
so I think I'll cry instead
it's times like these, when words
run free, and nothing seems quite right
when teddy bears are razor blades
will help me stand and fight
-Ryannon
Just thought it fit in with the general theme going on lately...
You're all a bunch of spoil sports...
a kid from the school on the other side of town committed suicide last night.
today, while driving with my friend before Upward Bound, she told me that he was a close friend of hers. i seriously had no idea what to say to her..
how do you help people cope with something like that?
..especially when you have no idea what it's like to lose someone like that in the same situation..
but every two minutes she would kinda stare off and then just burst out "omg i can't believe he's dead!"
i felt so bad for her, and i felt so useless not know what to say to her..
-Jaeli
What would you say?
-Give all the understanding and love that you can.
-Be there as often as possible
-Listen to them ramble and express their grief
-Don't offer advice, lead them to water but let them drink.
-Don't expect things to go back to normal for many months or years.
-Don't Bring up god
-Don't compare it to anything, like losing a boyfriend or the death of your pet rabbit
-Don't be scared to talk if they want to
Just thought it was relevant, ignore if you want.
...It's hard giving out that type of advice. At least I can cheer her up, if anybody. But it's not her that needs the cheering up...
*stares blankly at the gun on the table*
Slit wrist theory
A slit for each mistake you’ve made
Cut them deep and pray they fade
Clenched teeth and hope you slip away
To pause yourself from your charade
I can’t believe you can’t accept
The unforeseen
The un-perfect
You pray to escape but only merely
From your self brought slit wrist theory
So take this back and hold on tight
Normality shattered within your life
So take this back and hold on close
You’ve got yourself, which is more than most
My razorblade romance
I’m going to draw a picture
A picture with a twist
I’ll draw it with a razor blade
I’ll draw it on my wrist
If I draw correctly a fountain
Will appear
To drown out all my sorrows
And down out all my fears
I can only imagine the courage it takes
To hold the gun to your chest and meet your fate
Tears running down your cheek falls all around
Then soon after we lay you underground
What you did, I don’t understand why
How could you leave me here to cry?
I remember the last time you laughed
But now your gone, my world has split in half
And the memories we shared
The sad thoughts no longer bear
I miss you dearly, I miss my mate
I think it is high time that I met my fate
To join you is what I have in mind
And to leave this horrid world behind
You were my first kiss, my first true love
Now you are gone, lying dead in a pool of blood
I love you dearly and you shall always be remembered
To you my heart I have surrendered
-Tomas
I liked it. How about you?
A vein in my head was going to burst today. That would have been sweet to see, but no, I have to do it the conventional way....
Nice to know who cares and reads my blog and stuff. Hat's off to you for actually trying, albeit in vain. I knew people would reply as such, because I'm not stupid.
Kyla, I want my CD back ;) And I knew it was you because your E-mail address is the same as your name.
Just so you guys get it, I never said I was doing it yet, so don't worry. It'll probably happen when I'm off living by myself in a crappy one room apartment lying on the floor staring at the ceiling...
*click*
*puts gun on table*
Your turn.
*grins*
Someone help me
Oh please God help me
They are trying to take it all away
I don't want to die
Time moving slowly
The minutes seem like hours
The final curtain call I see
How true is this?
Just get it over with
If this is true, just let it be
Wakened by the horrid cream
Freed from the frightening dream
---
o_O
---
Life it seems, will fade away
Drifting further every day
Getting lost within myself
Nothing matters no one else
I have lost the will to live
Simply nothing more to give
There is nothing more for me
Need the end to set me free
Things are not what they used to be
Missing one inside of me
Deathly lost, this can't be real
Cannot stand this hell I feel
Emptiness is filling me
To the point of agony
Growing darkness taking dawn
I was me, but now He's gone
No one but me can save myself, but it's too late
Now I can't think, think why I should even try
Yesterday seems as though it never existed
Death Greets me warm, now I will just say good-bye
---
All right, so I just want to kill everybody, or at least seriously harm them. Those who would seek to change others would do best to look upon themselves first. Alright, so logically I kill myself first. Beautiful. I seriously want to just lie down and fucking die. I hate my depression and I hate myself and I can't stand it anymore. Or maybe I should stop listening to depressing music. But I can't. Listening to happy music would make me gag. I'm in a Metallica mood. Kill-'em-all-including-yourself-but-mainly-yourself sort of mood. Life is pointless. I look at my razor set, probably the best gift I've ever received, and imagine myself picking it up, opening it. I take out an exacto blade. I rub my fingers along the length of it, testing it's sharpness. I pick a random part of my body, be it my head, my legs or my arms. I press the blade to my skin, and feel the cold metal press against my bare skin. I press harder. I feel a sharp bite as it seperates my skin, letting the blood mix with the open air. I stand there, looking at my cut, bleeding out my depression drop after drop, feeling my life drip away in short drops of crimson blood.
...my cat walks in. My mood brightens considerably as she rubs herself against my leg. She is just so adorable.
...Fucking yeah right... I push her away and her annoying meows for attention. I pick up the razor again. Once is never enough. I do it again, and again, cutting myself, freeing my blood of it's fleshly prison. Each time I put the blade to my skin I hold a thought in my mind, that I wish to exercise from my body.
'The world sucks.' Slice. Gone.
'My life is meaningless.' Slice. Gone.
I do not wipe away the blood, but instead let it dry as it stands, to serve as a reminder.
I wipe the blade against my skin, and put it back in the case, and put the case away.
I don't know about you, but I feel considerably better.
Such is the cycle of depression I endure constantly, monthly, weekly, daily. I rarely take it out on my friends. I always make sure to keep my friends at a distance so it never happens. Thank God it never happens, or I'd probably lose the few friends I have, such as the one I am losing now for letting them get too close.
My own personal Hell. I search for an escape route, yet only one is immediately available to me. The question is always there; Do I take the exit or don't I? Take it, and say good-bye to everything I've ever known, to tear myself suddenly from those who care about me. Or to stay, and fight the demons and continue searching for a different exit with the help of people around me.
Somehow you think just reading it like that would put it all into perspective.
Fucking right...
I've always been a loner. I go on alone.
... stop reading now. There's nothing more to see.
If you haven't figured it out by now, Edicius = suicidE backwards.
I've never had any doubt in my mind as to how I would die.
The only thing I have to figure out is when.
I said stop reading, fuck...
*points a gun to head*
Keep that image in your head, for me.
*click*
Bang, bang.
*Grins*
The Dante's Inferno Test has sent you to the First Level of Hell - Limbo!
First Level of Hell - Limbo
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Charon ushers you across the river Acheron, and you find yourself upon the brink of grief's abysmal valley. You are in Limbo, a place of sorrow without torment. You encounter a seven-walled castle, and within those walls you find rolling fresh meadows illuminated by the light of reason, whereabout many shades dwell. These are the virtuous pagans, the great philosophers and authors, unbaptised children, and others unfit to enter the kingdom of heaven. You share company with Caesar, Homer, Virgil, Socrates, and Aristotle. There is no punishment here, and the atmosphere is peaceful, yet sad.
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:
Level | Score
Purgatory | Moderate
Level 1 - Limbo | Very High
Level 2 | Low
Level 3 | Very Low
Level 4 | Very Low
Level 5 | Low
Level 6 - The City of Dis | Low
Level 7 | High
Level 8- the Malebolge | Moderate
Level 9 - Cocytus | Low
Level descriptions: http://www.4degreez.com/misc/dante-inferno-information.html
Take the test: http://www.4degreez.com/misc/dante-inferno-test.mv
Why does it remind me of my life so?
Opening credits: King Nothing - Metallica
Waking up: One Headlight - the Wallflowers / Sanitarium - Metallica
Average day: Smells Like Teen Spirit - Nirvana
First date: Heavens on Fire - Kiss
Falling in love: Wrap Your Arms Around Me - Barenaked Ladies
Love scene: Broken Handed - SR-71 / Sorry About That - Alkaline Trio
Fight scene: Ich Will - Rammstein
Breaking up: Goodbye - SR-71 / This is Getting Over You - Alkaline Trio
Getting back together: Hey You - Pink Floyd
Secret love: Poison - Alice Cooper
Life's okay: Hallowed be thy Name - Iron Maiden
Mental breakdown: Angels F*ck - Jack Off Jill / One Winged Angel - Nobuo Uematsu
Driving: Man on the Edge - Iron Maiden / Du Hast - Rammstein
Learning a lesson: You Know You're Right - Nirvana
Deep thought: The Lady of Shalott - Loreena McKennit / The Flower of Carnage - Meiko Kaji
Flashback: Descending Angel - the Misfits
Partying: Asche Zu Asche - Rammstein
Happy dance: Das Modell - Rammstein
Regretting: Klavier - Rammstein
Long night alone: Black Rose Immortal - Opeth
Death scene: One Fine Day - Opera Babes
Closing credits: Call to Dance - Leahy
-What does it matter what day it is right now?
-On that note, who cares what my mood is right now? It changes constantly.
-Alright, I'll update this for you freaks who have nothing better to do than follow my life's story
-To recap: Been sick since the last day of school, and only recently feeling well again. I spent most of Christmas day asleep.
-For New Year's, I spent it at my friend Janis's. Everyone got drunk but me. I sat there counting the many possible ways in which I could have felt alienated. I got to 5. Had Ryannon not been there, it would have been around 20. I had a fun time, even though I didn't get enough sleep. Made up for that with mucho pancakes though.
-Tomas is going to get around 70-80% for his essay, despite what small effort I helped in editing it.
-I finally activated an account on one webpage which I've been waiting a month for, and I'm an administrator of another one. Hurray for no life.
-Actually, I went to Marie's today, and met much of the family. One Uncle was out to get me, and the father was coming on to me. Watched a lot of movies at least, even if with a cousin or two hanging around with the little Joshua guy. I don't think it was possible for me to stop blushing...
-And I'm sitting here, after watching Anger Management by myself (with a big bowl of chips and junk food, mind you) being bored as usual. I could go to sleep. I want to, considering I was woken up pretty early today and rushed out of the house, but I also want to watch more Visions of the Beast.
-On a completely different matter, I'm merely waiting for my dad to send money, then I can go buy my electric guitar. I can't wait, even though it is what I am resigned to doing... Figures.
-I need help deciding on the first song I want to learn; 'Until it Sleeps', 'Hallowed be thy Name', and 'Afraid to Shoot Strangers' by Metallica, Iron Maiden, and Iron Maiden respectively, all in increasing difficulty. I think that just decided for me right there....
-I doubt I can make it to the concert tomorrow, as I can't get a ride out there. I'm sure one less person won't make a huge difference.
-Finally, let me end by saying I want to kill someone. Cheers.
Current Song: Smoke On The Water - Deep Purple
And so this wraps up some day which I don't know which one it is. Adios
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