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Black Rose Immortal
Latest posts below.
I dragged this lake looking for corpses
Dusted for prints, pried up the floorboards
Pieces of planes and black box recorders
Don't lie (don't lie)
And I've been preoccupied with these sick, sick senses
That sense DNA on barbed wire fences
Maybe someday I'll find me a suspect
That has no alibi
New Year's Eve was as boring as heaven
I watched flies fuck on channel 11
There was no one to kiss, there was nothing to drink
Except some old rotten milk someone left in the sink
And there's no ring, there's no ring on the phone anymore
There's no reason to call I passed out on the floor
Smoked myself stupid and drank my insides raisin dry
But at the right place at the right time
I'll be dead wrong and you'll be just fine
I won't have to quit doing fucked up shit
For anyone but me
At the right place at the right time
It will have been worth it to stand in line
And you won't have to stop
Saying "I love cops" for anyone but me
Your private eye
I dragged this lake looking for corpses
Dusted for prints, pried up the floorboards
Pieces of planes and black box recorders
Don't lie (don't lie)
And I've been preoccupied with these sick, sick senses
That sense DNA on barbed wire fences
Maybe someday I'll find me a suspect
That has no alibi
But at the right place at the right time
I'll be dead wrong and you'll be just fine
And I won't have to quit doing fucked up shit
For anyone but me
And at the right place at the right time
It will have been worth it to stand in line
And you won't have to stop
Saying "I love cops" for anyone but me
Your private eye
Your private eye
But at the right place at the right time
I'll be dead wrong and you'll be just fine
You won't have to quit doing fucked up shit
For anyone but me
And at the right place at the right time
It will have been worth it to stand in line
And you won't have to stop
Saying "I love cops" for anyone but me
Your private eye
-Private Eye by Alkaline Trio
last modified Jun 14, 2006 at 1:46
apparently I look good in blue jeans
I pledge allegiance to underworld
One nation under dog
There of wich I stand alone
I face in the crowd
Unsung, against the mold without a doubt
Singled out the only way I know
Stepped out of the line
Like a sheep runs from the herd
Marching out of time
To my own beat now
The only way I know
One light, one mind
Flashing in the dark
Blinded by silence of a thousand
Broken hearts
"for cryin' out loud" she screamed unto me a free for all
Fuck 'em all
You are your own sight
It's days like today that make me question why I hold my sanity on a leash...
It's days like today where nothing seems to go right for me...
And It's days like today where I wish I stayed in bed this morning...
Now I remember why I like my depression...
Actually, I wish I had just slept through the entire weekend...
I'm not happy. Someone should die for this...
Apologies to all for not being able to go to the music banquet this year. Big surprise.
Ah well... bitch bitch bitch...
Do you have the time to listen to me whine
About nothing and everything all at once
I am one of those
Melodramatic fools
Neurotic to the bone
No doubt about it
Sometimes I give myself the creeps
Sometimes my mind plays tricks on me
It all keeps adding up
I think I'm cracking up
Am I just paranoid
Or am I just stoned?
Grasping to control
So I better hold on
Go basket case. Going, going, gone...
Isn't it interesting how I always post lyrics relevant to myself, yet I suspect that maybe only a handful of you look past the words to see the background behind them and why they are there?
Yes, I am belittling you, the reader. Get used to it. It'll happen often during your sad little lifetime. Go you. Going, going, gone...
I want to see how long I can last without sleep... dunno when to start though...
While I could post something related to people over-reacting to other's comments on blogs, I'd rather not flog my recently deceased friend over there, who otherwise used to be known as: 'the horse'... Go him. Going, going, gone...
Also, I find it much too amusing... :P
Hey, it's the weekend. That came rather quickly, though that tends to happen when you only go to school and co-op for 3 out of the 5 days normally... Might be going to camp, might not... might just sit on my ass for 72 hours playing games and listening to music as I normally do. Going, going, gone... to camp?
Played a song that was in 9/8 last night. Go me! Going, going, gone... The beats went like 1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9 for that particular song. It ruled. Except the hemiolas. They die.
As well, I am now the new Vice-Chair for the No Strings Attached community band Executive committee. Go me! Going, going, gone... We'll be playing at NOMF next year as well, so that should be pretty fun.
And now, here's one of the best ways to use a weblog; to share funny links! Simply put in your name... and push the button.
Jesse
Jesse is a sock that can be assembled from common household parts, smells a bit funny and loves children.
http://www.thesurrealist.co.uk/priorart.cgi?ref=
Had a rather interesting sandwich today... Go me. Going, going, gone... Let's see if I can list the 'ingredients';
-Toasted bread
-Peanut Butter
-Jam
-Salami
-Three kinds of Cheese
-Relish
-Steak spice
Wasn't too bad... next time, less cheese, more peanut butter...
Now if you'll excuse me, my bowels seem to be trying to tell me something... (And it's not 'going, going, gone...')
Gah, slipping into insanity's slippers right now... slip sliding away...
I think I'm losing it. What is it? It is what? What is what? A question, nothing more... Don't ask.
Please tell me, why am I asking a question right now that I know the answer to?
Why do you hate me?
Question.
Why do I ask? Smart ask, I just did.
Do-do-do-do-doo... Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-doo...
BLAM!
Sleep, forever the peace.
Diagnostic Criteria
A pervasive pattern of detachment from social relationships and a restricted range of expression of emotions in interpersonal settings, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by four (or more) of the following:
neither desires nor enjoys close relationships, including being part of a family check
almost always chooses solitary activities check
has little, if any, interest in having sexual experiences with another person check
takes pleasure in few, if any, activities check
lacks close friends or confidants other than first-degree relatives check, and not even those first-degree relatives...
appears indifferent to the praise or criticism of others half-check. I care when it's about myself, of course.
shows emotional coldness, detachment, or flattened affectivity check
Does not occur exclusively during the course of Schizophrenia, a Mood Disorder With Psychotic Features, another Psychotic Disorder, or a Pervasive Developmental Disorder and is not due to the direct physiological effects of a general medical condition.
schizoid
Which Personality Disorder Do You Have?
brought to you by Quizilla
Yep... It's amazing how the littlest of things that we take for granted everyday can bring so much happiness into a depressed person's life... at least momentarily...
I used to hang on every word
Each lie was more absurd
Kept me so insecure
But now that's over
She taught me how to trust
And to believe in us
And then she taught me how to cuss....That bitch!
It's over
You know I used to be such a nice boy
I'd like to think that that song only applies to 1 person... (as would a couple other people, probably) But the funny thing about metaphors is that they create these lovely double/triple/quadruple meanings... I'll leave it to you to figure out as many possible ways to take them lyrics. Here's a hint; you can probably glean at least 3 from the rest of the post.
Okay, enough with the mind games for today. (Mmm, mind games...) *high fives Lex*
Weekend-long grad party at Shane's kicked ass! Most of us agree that the first night sucked, but the other two were progressively better. (Dare I say, exponentially?) I managed to scare a bunch of people, especially Darien. I scared him at least once each night. XD
A couple people got sick the second night, though surprisingly not the third night. (Although they were more drunk) I was only drunk for 20 minutes. I felt ripped off. Maybe I can blame my lack of hemoglobin for that. The neighbours kicked ass as well. What did we name the ghost again? Bubba? That was cool. There were several (re; MANY) freaky, unexplained incidences that happened, and not just because we were drunk and high either. Let's see...
1: Doors opening and closing upstairs, with the windows closed, and creaking sounds as if someone was walking around, all three nights.
2: Lights turning on and off in the kitchen by themselves.
3: Shane's laptop. He deleted some programs, and then new programs suddenly installed themselves somehow... (okay, okay, not that scary... but still)
4: The speakers. "Dude, I can't hear the musi-" BAM! It was suddenly at max volume. That was one of the freakiest.
5: Music turning itself on by itself when we weren't around. (we checked)
6: Random flashes of light in the bathroom... >_>
Anyways, if Candice is nice enough, she'll let me see the picture of me and Darien wearing bras. I'd have made a sexy chick!
Hehe, the girls were cheering for all wearing black sports bras. The guys were cheering for all wearing black boxers. And no socks. And having skin... well, most of us...
"Dude, I have skin! Do you?"
"Woah, yeah!"
"Nice. Do You?"
"Woah, I don't..."
"Awesome! Cheers!"
Guess you had to be there... unless you're drunk, in which case you're probably laughing your ass off anyways. In fact, I bet you find this funny ----> Funny
Well, at least I did...
Anyone know of a good house that can fit 6 people comfortably for under $900? We're looking for a place...
Wait, first I need a job...
Update: I went to bed at 7 last night, and woke up at 7 this morning. I bought a meatball wrap for lunch too. I got homework done at co-op. As I result, I actually felt better than I usually do... So, I'm guessing that I really do need to eat more... But I'm fat as hell... I mean, the skin is just hanging from my bones...
Nah, I'm just messing with you... I'm not anorexic.
I should listen to Natalie Tchajkov. (Yes I spelled it right.) She is anemic too, surprisingly. She started eating foods with more iron, and eating more often than she was after her father died, so she hasn't had much problems in that regard.
Wow, I actually feel like I could make a difference in my life... fancy that...
Or maybe it is just the hormones. My life feels like a rollercoaster of emotions (and reading this verifies it) so... um... I dunno... I'll try to be happy then.
Fashion statement of the week; Wearing a phone cord around your neck is cool. You can 'hang up' on yourself...
Happiness costs money. $2-4 a day, plus bus tickets. Going with the minimum, that's $19 a week.
I need a job.
I'm sure there's someway to relate that title to my current condition, but honestly, I'm too lazy to care...
Life hates me, but that's okay because I hate life.
Oh, graphically offensive writing ahead. The same kind of stuff I always put on here. You may as well just skip it over as you can already guess what it might be about...
Bleed me dry tonight
tears just don't cut it
express this emotional pain please
cut it deep, score it wide
bleeding for you
its all i have left to offer.
wide brutal slashes
caress my chest
physical scars to show my love
Its gone
Its over now
You shut me out,
You turned me down
Struggling to take it with grace
Fact Proven :
Just never good enough.
I want you
but not like before.
Take this blade
and carve beauty into me
Hurt me, break me.
I'm not good enough to be.
Burn me out
Take me down
Pour your rage down on me.
Drown me, Choke me
Smother me in your cowardly flames
Never Again.
Cheers, EC.
I'm really immature, mentally... yet the funny thing is, I'm very mature mentally... Too bad they keep fighting for control, rather than cancelling each other out...
There are 2 things that scare me. Most of you already know that my stepdad is one of them. Back when I was living with him, my stomach would do flip-flops inside of me when I heard the car pulling in. I would stop whatever I was doing, and start cleaning everything and anything in hopes that he wouldn't find some reason to be mad at me and take his anger out on me.
And now, 7 years later, my younger brother has to go through what I was feeling.
What this means for me is that I'll probably have to talk with my stepdad somehow, and that means facing one of my biggest fears... It also means that I'll have to be an older brother to Ray... How can I be what I've never had before? A family member? A brother? Maybe even, a friend? He looks up to me...
Fuck, fate has a way of playing irony with me... Stupid Clothos... it's her fault... Atropos has always been my favourite, yet she probably hates me as well... I suppose it would be Lachesis's fault even more so for threading my life the way it is...
Oh, lament and melodrama!
I'm unhealthy...
Our mortality makes the beauty all the more. (Where is my hat?) I miss you Regan says:
I hate my weblog...
Steeev - Though the day's been really long, I still feel I'm close to nowhere says:
why?
Our mortality makes the beauty all the more. (Where is my hat?) I miss you Regan says:
because when I write stuff about how shitty I'm feeling, all people do is post comments, and I don't want comments... I need help, but damned if I'd ever get the courage to ask people...
Steeev - Though the day's been really long, I still feel I'm close to nowhere says:
lol, and damned the people if they ever actually try to help instead of typing stuff out on the internet
Our mortality makes the beauty all the more. (Where is my hat?) I miss you Regan says:
it's easy to type stuff... as Janis put it, it's not unlike Automatic Flowers... useful in that they smell good, but you can't live on flowers...
Steeev - Though the day's been really long, I still feel I'm close to nowhere says:
this is true
Our mortality makes the beauty all the more. (Where is my hat?) I miss you Regan says:
My co-op teacher made me realize how Regan was important to my health...
Steeev - Though the day's been really long, I still feel I'm close to nowhere says:
nice, how so?
Our mortality makes the beauty all the more. (Where is my hat?) I miss you Regan says:
Not only did I actually eat something in the mornings thanks to her sandwiches, she gave me something to look forward to at work, so I'd have enthusiasm, and generally was good for my mood, which means I would take better care of myself...
Steeev - Though the day's been really long, I still feel I'm close to nowhere says:
this is true. the stupid thing is that you should love yourself enough to do it yourself
Our mortality makes the beauty all the more. (Where is my hat?) I miss you Regan says:
I'm becoming what I used to be... I never had much love for myself. You know that... From Grade 11 on, I would have something to make me feel better about myself usually, whether it was that person, Marie, or Regan, or something else to look forward to. It's making me realize how sad and pathetic I can be...
Steeev - Though the day's been really long, I still feel I'm close to nowhere says:
it's not really pathetic... it's almost like you need an excuse to take good care of yourself besides loving yourself. i don't believe it would go like this, but I could see it turning into a "if you dump me I'll have no valid reason to live" thing
Our mortality makes the beauty all the more. (Where is my hat?) I miss you Regan says:
I promised myself I'd try to avoid that. It's not always about having someone care about me, it's more along the lines of having a reason to go on. I'm not as suicidal as I used to be, but there are still these moments when I don't want to go on, and the reasons to be happy are less apparent than having someone to care about.
I'm almost positive that I either have a hormonal imbalance, which means I'd have to take drugs to feel good, or that I just need to take better care of myself. I'm pretty certain it's the latter... I'm never happiest than when I am proud of myself... but I can't do it alone, which is the sad thing...
Steeev - Though the day's been really long, I still feel I'm close to nowhere says:
well, it's more alright than it sounds like you believe it to be. I think the problem is that you're scared to ask for help even though you have friends, such as myself, who will take the time to help you. a lot of the time, even though you may want our help, it seems like you'd rather be alone
Our mortality makes the beauty all the more. (Where is my hat?) I miss you Regan says:
I've rarely ever needed help from anyone. You would never see me asking for help a year ago, because for as long as I can remember, I've always been alone. It's just now that I'm realizing that it's probably not the best way to live. I blame Alex.
Steeev - Though the day's been really long, I still feel I'm close to nowhere says:
lol, well... just as long as you realise it at some point
Our mortality makes the beauty all the more. (Where is my hat?) I miss you Regan says:
I'm just generally confused right now... it happens... time will make it better...
Steeev - Though the day's been really long, I still feel I'm close to nowhere says:
hopefully
I mean..knowledge should clear up confusion
Our mortality makes the beauty all the more. (Where is my hat?) I miss you Regan says:
If my verbal bitchslapping of myself isn't enough, then I'll probably seek help... As for now, my Guidance Counsellor is hoping to get me to see a head doctor. My first thought was, "Great... I'm insane..."
Steeev - Though the day's been really long, I still feel I'm close to nowhere says:
Don't think that way... whatever happens, just the good thing is they're trying to help
Our mortality makes the beauty all the more. (Where is my hat?) I miss you Regan says:
Did Tchaikovsky ever write any waltzes?
Steeev - Though the day's been really long, I still feel I'm close to nowhere says:
yeap
Our mortality makes the beauty all the more. (Where is my hat?) I miss you Regan says:
It's a shame you don't hear them in modern songs more often... I love the 3/4 time signature... to listen to it, anyways...
Steeev - Though the day's been really long, I still feel I'm close to nowhere says:
this is true..it is very nice
it's got that..feeling about it
Our mortality makes the beauty all the more. (Where is my hat?) I miss you Regan says:
I love it... as of now, I think I only have one song out of a thousand that has that time Signature... not counting Dream Theatre, the bastards...
Steeev - Though the day's been really long, I still feel I'm close to nowhere says:
lol, very true..DT goies through practically every concievable time signature
it is easier to use 4/4, so that's probably why 3/4 isn't very common
Our mortality makes the beauty all the more. (Where is my hat?) I miss you Regan says:
it's harder to subdivide odd numbers in the head...
Steeev - Though the day's been really long, I still feel I'm close to nowhere says:
true... unless you're a well rounded musician
Our mortality makes the beauty all the more. (Where is my hat?) I miss you Regan says:
I wonder how a 9/8 would sound...
Steeev - Though the day's been really long, I still feel I'm close to nowhere says:
It's be like... 123 456 789 it'd be like a fast waltz
Our mortality makes the beauty all the more. (Where is my hat?) I miss you Regan says:
with the only noticeable difference being the extra emphasis on the 1, compared to 4 and 7...
you get a nice little echo feel...
Steeev - Though the day's been really long, I still feel I'm close to nowhere says:
this is true
Woah, woah, stop! Okay... too much there... ah well...
Umm, this post is pretty long now, and I think I lost most of you already...
In summary; I am unhealthy (duh) and my younger brother needs help. Fun.
...if only I could put musical notes on here to share with you guys... I love music...
Well of course, I'm bloody tired... I've only spent 3/4 of the weekend asleep... much less than my usual time spent sleeping...
Stupid sickness that's been going around... at least I haven't thrown up yet today, though it's not like there's anything left in my body to chuck out the door... The placemat thanks you for not leaving that awful taste there anymore...
A creature made of sunshine
Her eyes were like the sky
Rabbit howls like something old as we twitch to her lullaby
The scalpel shines in god's sunshine
Street lights whisper pain
Down here near the poison stream our god has gone insane
She smiles like a child with flowers in her hair
With blood on her hands into the sun she stares
She feels it die, I heard her cry
Like the scream of the butterfly
Sunshine a house in flames
She likes it where she gets it but it's never felt the same
Surgery in the house of dissection
When your candle burns out I will resurrect you
She runs through fields of daisies
Yeah it's just a shame that they eat their own babies
Who cares cause the air is free
When you get there will you kiss the dead for me?
There's blood on the moon and the summer is cold
There's love in the room but baby that's gettin' old
There's blood on my face sittin' on a dead shore
A highway of emptiness and I'm gettin' bored
There's blood on the moon as we plan our escape
The goddess in bloom, handcuffed and raped
There's blood in the bathtub, baby, murder the king
There's blood on the moon
There's blood on just about everything
Sunshine a house in flames
She likes it where she gets it but it's never felt the same
Surgery in the house of dissection
When your candle burns out I will resurrect you
She runs through fields of daisies
Yeah it's just a shame that they eat their own babies
Who cares? 'Cause the air is free
When you get there will you kiss the dead for me?
Something cold is forced inside her
A tear spills down her cheek
Stillborn songs of a dead dreamer
Hymns of the needle freak
With sunlight in her hair she smiles like she don't care
Her dreams are liquid blue
I cut myself again and again to remind myself of you
She smiles like a child with flowers in her hair
With blood on her hands into the sun she stares
She feels it die, I heard her cry
Like the scream of the butterfly
I met an angel with a sawed-off shotgun
Wanted by the FBI
We dropped some acid, killed our parents
Then we hit the road
Like the scream of the butterfly
I swear I'll never get tired of that song or it's hauntingly beautiful lyrics...
Grad is going to be fun... no, wait... it's not... my mistake...
Oh well, Prom will be fun... wait, wrong again...
Hopefully the party after it that I'm invited to will be fun... er, one can only hope...
I need to stop being pessimistic... it's going to kill me one of these days... unless something else does...
Blah... that describes my mood perfectly... To recap the events in my life of the past couple days;
- Fell asleep at 2 a.m. Thursday morning
- Woke up at 3 p.m.
- Emptied the contents of my stomach for a bit
- Went back to sleep at 5 p.m.
- Woke up at 8 p.m.
- Reacquainted myself with the taste of my stomach acid
- Despite blacking out several times, I made my way to the computer because I couldn't sleep.
- Tried going to sleep. Didn't make it until 3 a.m. Friday morning.
- Woke up at 6 a.m. Decided I wasn't quite done yet with regurgitating, so I revisited my friend, the lavatory.
- Went back to sleep until 10 a.m.
- Was feeling better, so I decided to go to co-op. Only blacked out once. Have a hell of a migraine.
- I'm home, and would be sleeping if I could. I haven't had anything to eat in the past couple days except a bowl of chicken noodle soup and some crackers which I hope won't be leaving the same way they came in...
I think I'm going to go lie down now... I can barely see the words on the screen anymore... (maybe wearing my glasses would help in that aspect?)
My poor cat... she's gray right now... It's probably better than the black she was yesterday...
Apologies for not gracing you people with my presence today. I was terribly ill this day, what with the throwing up, and excessive sleeping and that...
I have made a decision to not talk for a minimum of four days. This includes tomorrow and Monday. There is no reason behind me doing this, (Is there ever?) so do not be alarmed or worried. This should be easy.
It's not going to be easy to sleep tonight. The voices will be there with me. Not so much voices, as old memories of a time in my childhood... Was watching a show tonight, in which the main character was getting involved in domestic disputes with her husband. For some reason, that's always been an issue that brings back strong memories. I don't want to think of them right now, but I have little choice...
It's times like this I wish I had a Teddy Bear...
Taking a break from working on my English essay (Yes, Steve, Steve, and Darien... I'm actually doing English work for once...)
My life in lyrics, Enjoy:
Broken - SA
I was raised from a broken seed, I grew up to be an unwanted weed.
Ever faster the time exceeds me, little harder again to remember... you.
Held a torch for you, when lightning struck me, once again, hope I died for the last time.
Only one I have, a thing greater than you, little light on the sky every night.
Morning dew on the field, where I met you.
I was frozen a year, couldn't get through.
Got a sign, not a scar, on my shoulder, I am not quite the man you take me for...
Fell in love with the weakness within me.
Tried to force me the ring and own me.
Guess you found what you'd think would oblige me, little version of me to consume you...
I'd give my everything to you, follow you through the garden of oblivion.
If only I could tell you everything, the little things you'll never dare to ask me...
Do you really know me? I might be a God.
Show me that you care and have a cry.
How do you see me?... as the one?
Can you see my blood when I'm bleeding.
How can you love this exile, and how could I desire you.
When my pain is my pain and yours is too...
On this dark winter's night. Darkness becomes this child.
Bless this night with a tear. For I have none I fear...
Seven lifes of a man, passed before me.
Seven graves, one for every love I've had.
Only once I have broken my so called heart.
Only one made me see why they cry.
Will I learn how to be one of you someday?
Will I still feel the eyes that behold me?
Will I hear what you think, when you see me?
Will it tear me apart if you feel for me...
I 'd give my everything to you, follow you through the garden of oblivion.
If only I could tell you everything, the little things you'll never dare to ask me...
Do you really know me? I might be a God.
Show me that you care and have a cry.
How do you see me?... as the one?
Can you see my blood when I'm bleeding.
How can you love this exile, and how could I desire you.
When my pain is my pain and yours is too...
On this dark winter's night. Darkness becomes this child.
Bless this night with a tear. For I have none I fear...
Little broken, always been, a part of you belongs to me.
You were never mine to love, but this all has made it easy for me...
Burning feathers, not an angel, Heaven's closed, Hell's sold out.
So I walk on the earth, behind the curtains, hidden from everyone,
until I find a new life to ruin again
On this dark winter's night. Darkness becomes this child.
Bless this night with a tear. For I have none I fear...
On this dark winter's night. Darkness becomes this child.
Bless this night with a tear. For I have none I fear...
Yeah, it brought a tear to my eye, but after shining the flashlight in my eyes yesterday, it's not that hard. Good old blue eyes of mine that get irritated easily...
*gasp*
Could it be that I'm opening up more? Or is this all just another elaborate mind game played a cruel jester who isn't that funny? (Alas, poor Yorick, I knew him well, Horatio...)
Give me the benefit of the doubt. It's both. (Or neither, depending on how you see it...)
Anyways, on to less important matters;
The concert Tuesday was kickass! (How selfish...) Okay, it was kickass to me because I never played better and was proud of myself, though the bands still did pretty good.
*makes mental note to kill Jeremy*
Yes, I'm working on me tone boy, alrighty?
Oh, and another reason to feel special is because I found that rare, hard-to-find piece known as Fanfare and Processional (Pomp and Circumstance) for the band! It'll be such a treat to play it. It's so unique and fun! I don't think anyone graduating will have heard it before either... (Sad thing is that as sarcastic as I am, the last sentence is likely true)
I still stand beside my idea that Fanfare and Toccata would fit the mood better.
"And just think, these students are the leaders of the future, now entering the workforce for most of them..."
*cue Toccata*
Just reminded that I have co-op homework for once... I should get on that while I have the time.
48 days or so left... almost halfway there...
Sigh... school is wonderfully depressing... I love it. Oh, and I hate it too.
Listening to some Trans-Siberian Orchestra. Love them. I broke the 1k barrier on my playlist with these guys. Total listening time equals 3 days and some odd hours...
Interesting; Song #666 is Our Lady Peace - Thief.
#912 (my date of birth) is The Chieftains - Celtic Fiddle Fest
#1000 itself is XTC - Making Plans For Nigel
Hmm, I should probably post something meaningful for you guys while I'm here... Unfortunately, I rarely carry over any urges of creativity I get from earlier in the day into this blog. Normally I just use it to play mind games with people, because that's what I do when I'm bored; play games. The only other uses are to vent, and to inform others of the relatively few happenings in my life.
Which doesn't help explain why I'm so addicted to weblogs... It's like we're all living in this big old house, and we were given our own rooms with which to customize and use as we see fit... (people who vandalize other peoples' rooms should be shot, but meh...)
I can always come here and read up on someone's life, socialize by adding a comment or three, and generally not be so out of the loop at times. I am neurotic, but antisocial at the same time... my life is one big pile of irony.
I also enjoy talking about myself. A lot. I swear I'm narcissistic and self-centered... in fact, one thing that almost invariably makes me happy is people talking about me. (Especially when it's complimentary)
This in turn may explain a little bit more about me...
I've been thinking a lot lately... well, not just lately but always, but I didn't start thinking about this until the band trip earlier this month. It seems I purposely like to bring harm upon myself, like any proper masochist, but I do so for (not the sole) the purpose of getting people to pay attention to me. I put myself into the role of the tragic hero quite often, and most tragedies don't end nicely... (they shouldn't, by definition)
So, I become depressed (not acting) and people get worried, and I become slightly happy that people are worried about me. Unfortunately, by then it's too late to do anything about it... or that is, too late to care to do anything about it... This is where my depression runs rampant. It takes over completely. I like it.
I like my depression. Sad as that is, it becomes a sigh of relief to immerse myself in apathy and distance. I am told I can look to my friends for aid in removing this depression. From all outward appearances, depression is not a good thing. I would agree somewhat, in that it is very frustrating to the friends to have to endure such feelings from someone they care about, as I have noticed. To this I can only say 'thank you' to those friends of mine who weather my on-and-off depression with their umbrellas and rain boots. I apologize to all of you for the way I am. It's not fair to you guys that have to put up with worrying about me all the time (those of you that do.)
What will come of this? That I don't know... as I said before,I like my depression, but that is a rather selfish thing for me to keep it...
Right around here I lose my train of thought...
If one places a tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion, it will instantly go mad and sting itself to death.
I have found my new hobby.
"Excuse me, do you have any copies of Onimusha 3 in stock?"
"Sure, right over there between my broken heart and the shards of my hopes and dreams!"
"Soo... in the playstation section?"
"...yes."
So I just got off the phone with my older brother. I can't remember when me and him have ever talked for that length of time. It seems we talk for longer each time we talk now. I wouldn't be surprised if he can read this, but meh...
Regan came online today for several hours, woo! This makes a nice springboard for a return to happiness that I was already heading for. Hopefully this doesn't mean a harder fall later on...
Might be going camping May long weekend. Might be going to meet Ali again. I guess I'll find out later.
Speaking of which, I'm trying to organize a canoeing trip for the summer for a couple nights, guys only (for obvious reasons, and not-so obvious reasons). Janis and Steve are in. Anyone else? Contact me with information if you are interested.
I go to school, I write exams,
if I pass, if I fail, if I drop out,
does anyone give a damn?
And if they do, they'll soon forget 'cause it won't take much for me
to show my life ain't over yet.
I wake up scared, I wake up strange.
I wake up wondering if anything in my life is ever going to change.
I wake up scared, I wake up strange
and everything around me stays the same.
Yeah, I want to drop English, but I don't. I can't. So the other option is to try. Should I? I'm taking it again next year, thus rendering whatever I do this semester obsolete.
I like it - I'm not gonna crack
I miss you - I'm not gonna crack
I love you - I'm not gonna crack
I kill you - I'm not gonna crack
Okay, that's enough with the randomicity of the lyrics. Here's some masturbation material for people. (Namely; myself. I'm narcissistic to the extreme)
Everybody is bitching about one thing or another, whether you're in Jazz Band, SC Band, Jack's Dead, Too Far North, someone who is stressed, or something else happening (say Amanda and those involved, for example.)
Myself? I'm wisely keeping to myself... cutting myself, but that's beside the point. Despite the mind games I keep playing on Marie, I'm only at 10.
Oh yeah, I still miss Regan, and I'm planning on dropping English. That should cover it.
What a great homecoming for Kait...
Now excuse while I try to help some people who won't even listen to me...
I have problems...
My child arrived just the other day
He came to the world in the usual way
But there were planes to catch and bills to pay
He learned to walk while I was away
And he was talkin' 'fore I knew it, and as he grew
He'd say "I'm gonna be like you dad
You know I'm gonna be like you"
And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon
Little boy blue and the man on the moon
When you comin' home dad?
I don't know when, but we'll get together then son
You know we'll have a good time then
My son turned ten just the other day
He said, "Thanks for the ball, Dad, come on let's play
Can you teach me to throw", I said "Not today
I got a lot to do", he said, "That's ok"
And he walked away but his smile never dimmed
And said, "I'm gonna be like him, yeah
You know I'm gonna be like him"
And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon
Little boy blue and the man on the moon
When you comin' home son?
I don't know when, but we'll get together then son
You know we'll have a good time then
Well, he came home from college just the other day
So much like a man I just had to say
"Son, I'm proud of you, can you sit for a while?"
He shook his head and said with a smile
"What I'd really like, Dad, is to borrow the car keys
See you later, can I have them please?"
And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon
Little boy blue and the man on the moon
When you comin' home son?
I don't know when, but we'll get together then son
You know we'll have a good time then
I've long since retired, my son's moved away
I called him up just the other day
I said, "I'd like to see you if you don't mind"
He said, "I'd love to, Dad, if I can find the time
You see my new job's a hassle and kids have the flu
But it's sure nice talking to you, Dad
It's been sure nice talking to you"
And as I hung up the phone it occurred to me
He'd grown up just like me
My boy was just like me
And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon
Little boy blue and the man on the moon
When you comin' home son?
I don't know when, but we'll get together then son
You know we'll have a good time then
Grr... I really hate talking to my dad... I hate how he keeps trying to meddle in my life even though he's never around. He lives in Calgary, and sees me once every two years on average. He keeps telling me what to do, and I don't have the heart to tell him no and that I live my life on my own(hint hint), but it's getting harder and harder to talk with him... he's worse than Janis's mom... I wish he would STOP TALKING DOWN TO ME! Argh... Nothing irritates me more than that, as Janis already knows... Lecture, lecture, lecture... blah blah blah, yakkity shmakkity...
Marie, that glow stick is in Montreal, most likely, not that it's really important.
I'm going to kill something soon, and the only thing around is me.
I did my best impersonation of a corpse. I died.
It's great to be home.*
Montreal was probably the most fun I've ever had.* I slept in a bathtub, listened to one song at least 250 times, took over the world, won several tournaments of hackey-sacking, came home with medals from the festival, went swimming and...
well, that's pretty much it for stuff that wasn't on the itinerary. That was a trip to see the Montreal Symphony Orchestra, the Biodome and Olympic Park, an old dinner which was pretty funny, walked around on a guided tour, with a cruise down the St. Lawrence.
Perhaps the best part of the trip was being alone for most of it.* The way that I appeared to other people can be summed up in one word; Happy.* or Dead. Which ever you prefer.
I'm still deaf in my right ear.
Mies Del Dolor
Ella partió
Y el bosque durmió
La doncella nunca volverá
El sello del olvido se ha roto
Y en pecado un amor tornará
Nuestra vida sola baila
Esperanza gritos cubrirá
La verdad en el pasado
Sueños mentiras mostrarán
La noche vendrá
Dolor quedará
De repente todo se aclaró
La venda de los ojos cayó
Sus ojos cerró
Y mi nombre gritó
Ella nunca nunca mas fue vuelta
A ver
Mies del dolor
Tu fruto creció
En helada tierra de pesar
Cuando muera la luz
La noche invernal
Vendrá
Ella partió
Y yo pierdo la fe
Mis heridas no podrán sanar
Traeré al ocaso
Pese a que seré burlado yo
Por la vida y el juicio final
Amanece en la vida y sé
Que pronto todo pasará
Y enfrento las sombras de pie en soledad
Mies del dolor
Tu fruto creció
En helada tierra de pesar
Cuando muera la luz
La noche invernal
Vendrá
Nothing makes sense. I wish I could read your mind. You’ve hidden yourself. Deep within the depths of your piercing eyes I know there is a glimmer of your true self, a glimmer that is hiding from my gaze. As I gaze at you, asking myself how such a man, with his charm and intellect, his bronze and his brains, can possibly be unhappy. How fate could have dealt such a man a hand of sadness and hurt; of pain and dishonesty. As I sit here, writing my thoughts down, I am contemplating your sadness and grief, your happiness and sorrow. Your eyes glimmer with charm, with ease, with walls and fortresses. Through those blue spectacles I can see the pain that you long to forget. I see the sorrow that this little bit of happiness banishes - if only for a second. As I look through your eyes I see you clinging by a thread to the life you hope to achieve; clinging by a thread to the life I have been so graciously given. I would give up my joys, give up the love that surrounds me. I would give it all up if only to see that your pain is gone, that you have forgiven, that - though you have not forgotten - you have grown to live with these sorrows and nightmares. If for one night you could be happy, if you could forget the past and see only the hope of the future, if you could do this I would give it all up. What I would give to read the thoughts of your years. What I would give to know what you are thinking and where you are going. What I would give to clear the confusion that you have created within my soul.
*Please tell me that you can detect the obvious sarcasm.
Blind Guardian CD rocks.
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