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Black Rose Immortal
Latest posts below.
I dragged this lake looking for corpses
Dusted for prints, pried up the floorboards
Pieces of planes and black box recorders
Don't lie (don't lie)
And I've been preoccupied with these sick, sick senses
That sense DNA on barbed wire fences
Maybe someday I'll find me a suspect
That has no alibi
New Year's Eve was as boring as heaven
I watched flies fuck on channel 11
There was no one to kiss, there was nothing to drink
Except some old rotten milk someone left in the sink
And there's no ring, there's no ring on the phone anymore
There's no reason to call I passed out on the floor
Smoked myself stupid and drank my insides raisin dry
But at the right place at the right time
I'll be dead wrong and you'll be just fine
I won't have to quit doing fucked up shit
For anyone but me
At the right place at the right time
It will have been worth it to stand in line
And you won't have to stop
Saying "I love cops" for anyone but me
Your private eye
I dragged this lake looking for corpses
Dusted for prints, pried up the floorboards
Pieces of planes and black box recorders
Don't lie (don't lie)
And I've been preoccupied with these sick, sick senses
That sense DNA on barbed wire fences
Maybe someday I'll find me a suspect
That has no alibi
But at the right place at the right time
I'll be dead wrong and you'll be just fine
And I won't have to quit doing fucked up shit
For anyone but me
And at the right place at the right time
It will have been worth it to stand in line
And you won't have to stop
Saying "I love cops" for anyone but me
Your private eye
Your private eye
But at the right place at the right time
I'll be dead wrong and you'll be just fine
You won't have to quit doing fucked up shit
For anyone but me
And at the right place at the right time
It will have been worth it to stand in line
And you won't have to stop
Saying "I love cops" for anyone but me
Your private eye
-Private Eye by Alkaline Trio
last modified Jun 14, 2006 at 1:46
The thing here is that America needs to remember that no country is built in a day. Russia's been free from Communist oppression for just 13 years; when a vast and controlling government like the Soviet is ripped down, it's hard to get a balance for a fairly long while again.
As for China, we need to be careful. You can't get China to drop Communism (or Tibet) just by going over there and saying, "'C'moooonnn, guys," or throwing concerts, for that matter; but yet again, invading China for humanitarian causes would probably not be a very smart idea. Especially when China's military and weapons program gets involved. And then North Korea would get involved, and maybe perhaps a few other Communist sympathizer nations, and we don't need another World War. Do you want your shoes rationed? I didn't think so.
Pakistan is a troubled state, yes, but it's more of a religious theocracy problem, obviously. But also obviously, most of the people are Muslims. While I'm sure it would be very nice indeed if people weren't required to paint their windows black in order to not see the women inside, or forbidding women to make eye contact with a man even if she's wearing an abaya, I don't think Pakistanis would be thrilled with an invasion of American culture, which always follows invasions and occupations, since everyone knows that anyone who's not American is a caveman savage who must be introduced to the thriving sex-obsession, McNuggets and overpriced cutoffs of us civilized gentlefolk.
Humanitarian causes should be handled in a humanitarian way. I think what John Kerry's saying is that let's take care of the terrorists while not doing anything rash, like taking over countries at the drop of a dime, all by ourselves. True success needs cooperation - perhaps he plans to take on humanitarian issues once he gets backup from Europe. - TSN
Logical fallacies aside, there's some good points in there, I guess.
And yes, my mind is still fucked up. No, it's not getting better.
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Self esteem = -x, where x is a positive whole number
Urge to kill self, rising...
Going back to old self, unwillingly...
People I trust = 0
I really really want to die... please... just let me...
*breaks down*
I have a theory.
Fact 1 : Individually, humans can be decent people.
Fact 2 : The more people in a crowd, the dumber the crowd behave as a whole.
Fact 3 : There are more than 6,000,000,000 people on this world.
Fact 4: Cheese is good.
I think the only logical conclusion is that the world doesn't appreciate cheese as much as they should.
---
What Is Your Best Sexual Skill?
Name: Jesse Toma
Age: 18
Sex: Male
Sexuality: Bisexual
Flirting Skill Level - 37%
Kissing Skill Level - 100%
Cudding Skill Level - 81%
Sex Skill Level - 49%
Why They Love You: You pleasure them first.
Why They Hate You: You're too good to be true.
(taken from someones livejournal again)
From what I understand, those answers are accurate. At least, based on what people have told me.
Piece of advice; being sick with a hangover is more fun than it sounds, woo...
That and I'm just getting sick and tired of certain people... especially those who say they are my friend, but tell me to fuck off or ignore me when I actually do want to talk. I don't want to mention any names but Marie comes to mind... Hypocrites, the lot of ya!
Hey, that sounds familiar.
м_мнн
nothing in life is perfect except the perfection of how shitty life can be...
*finishes third beer of the night*
you know, now I'm understanding why people like this stuff so much...
Best news of the day; the sax section is apparently deplorable.
Had an interview at lunch. Didn't go too bad, but I wish I knew it was today. I slept in so I didn't shower. Thusly I looked like crap.
Yet another history assignment due. See, in history class, we don't learn the normal way, with the teacher explaining stuff and actually, you know, teaching... Rather, she gives assignments covering a section, we research it ourselves, and learn by ourselves. I'm fine with it and all, but doesn't that make the teacher a little superfluous?
Fool just another
Fool just another
I've been waiting
For signs of god
Create- enslaved- behaved-
Everything is out of control
Leave me alone
Isolation bears hope
There's something else waiting
A promised destiny
Freezing me
I feel restless and low
These days full of sadness
Had joyfully changed into fear
My freakshow will start tonight
Don't miss the right time
Bright eyes
Blinded for fear of life
No Merlin is by my side
Everything is out of control
Everything is out of control
In my future plans
Everything is out of control
Noone's left to hurt
Everything is out of control
Sorrow's gone away
Broken memories
Walking upstairs
Step by step
I see the whole world burning
The poet dies in Neverland
How it burns
Hey, mother stubborn
I really hate you
If you say yes I will say no
Ashes to ashes
But dust won't be dust
If you go there
I will go back
Bright eyes
Blinded for fear of life
Betrayed by sunrise
Bright eyes
Blinded for fear of life
No Merlin is by my side
Hey, father stubborn
You're young
And I'm young
I feel alone
Who really cares
Born into ashes
To lose all the games
With a smiling face
Bright eyes
Blinded for fear of life
And dark dragons rise
Bright eyes
Blinded for fear of life
No Merlin is by my side
So I sit in my room today
Winter's here
In summer season shall I say
I was wrong
If I'm right
Farewell to my last hope
"Good. Now I want four more of those." - Rob
-Some Kind of Monster
---
Anywho... While the above describes my mindset pretty well, I feel I should post something here rather than just an extraneously long overused swear word.
Since I'm a teen by age, let's start with the dominating feature of teens; emotions. My emotions have been totally fucked up and all over the place for a while now. Hell, I was crying during Rocky. So, understandably, I've been a little... not myself, for lack of description. (pathetic excuse, I know)
My emotions aren't the only thing on extremes this past week(s). Lady luck evidently is experiencing the same mood swings I've been having. Case in point; Paintball. Fucking. Paintball. Turns out the game that I've been trying to organize for weeks, only to be turned down by approximately 100% of people I asked, didn't even get to happen! (No shit, what was your first clue?) Well, me, and the one person I got a ride with to go there were the only ones to show up. That wouldn't have been so bad, normally. Normally. Instead, there just so fucking happens to be a paintball tournament going on that day. Of all the days I picked, not only could no one show up, we couldn't even play.
So, what happened was I ended up walking to New Sudbury from Garson in the drizzling rain to go meet some friends of my friend. I met one of them before, but we never really talked. Anywho, I spent a couple hours with them, throwing darts, eating chips, getting in pillow fights... then we decide to go rent Soul Caliber 2, or some other similar fighting game. However, the half-hour long walk took longer thanks to certain stores we decided to browse. We end up at Game Experts, and decide to rent several games. Rather, they decide to rent games. I, however, have my eye on the used game section. I buy Front Mission 4, which is the second FM game released stateside, for the low low price of $40. When I'm done that, we are informed that we cannot rent games, as the people I went with don't have accounts there, and that I cannot open an account since I do not have a credit card. Well, how nice. Let's see how long they stay in business...
Anywho, we walk back, stopping on the way to play at a playground, roll on the grass, stuff like that. Good times with people I hardly know, yeah!
Actually... after that, I went with that same group of people to a much larger group of people. Only 2 of about 9 people I've seen before, and I've never spoken to them. The one person I knew leaves just as the pizza I helped pay for arrives at around 6, so I'm left eating pizza and playing Tetris Attack in the company of many strangers. Good thing they're all geeks like me. They were simply Role Playing and arguing the whole time. Anywho, I stay there until 12:30, slowly getting acquainted with everyone. By the end, I think I've made a new group of friends. Yay. All thanks to that certain someone I only got to know less than a week ago. Talk about things moving fast... Hoo boy... Like that helps my crazy moods, oh yeah...
Anyways, enough of that.
Hmm... what else... I have to admit, it's cool seeing your chemistry teacher (who happens to already be an awesome teacher) at a cinefest documentary of a metal band that you are about to see too.
What does suck, is having a freaking sore throat for a couple days as well.
Okay, now I'm being sentimental. The kitten is sleeping on my lap. He so cute. *meow*
Soon, I'll be getting the room I was supposed to have gotten when my brother moved out. Included in the deal is a queen-of-pain-size bed, a couch, a coffee table, a big 40 inch TV, and a dresser. I could live in there if I had a mini-fridge...
Keeping in mind the previous posts still factor into my head, that makes for one loco Jesse. Not that I wasn't loco before, of course...
And on top of that, people are ignoring me too... it's bad enough only one person ever comments on this anymore (let alone someone I've never met)
I must have asked 100 people to go paintballing. I can count the number of people who said yes on my right hand.
At least some of the things earlier in the day got resolved. Then I took a nap. Woke up to getting treated like shit. Nothing new there.
I'm at the breaking point here... only if a certain person makes it to paintball will I be happy... but apparently I don't even have a ride, as far as I can tell...
ARGH! describes my day pretty well, as does the word Fuck repeating itself ad inifitum... (feel free to imagine it being every second word in this post as well if you like)
-Fight with a brother, which almost never happens, but he's really being a dumbass.
-Getting a curve ball of life that just so happens to disrupt all my plans majorly for the next little while... Meaning I can't do just about anything this weekend that I planned on doing. Fucking dad, argh...
-Sleeping in this morning, then had to once again resort to scraping little bits and pieces of money wherever I can find it, including borrowing. I fucking hate having to borrow money, but I end up doing it quite often.
-Getting pissed at certain friends.
-Certain teacher getting mad at me.
-Doing horrible on my presentation.
-Being accosted by drunk people last night while walking home.
-Stupid, stupid people on the bus... *shakes head*
-Armpits are really fucking hurting and irritating the hell out of me.
-And finally, finding out that one of the few people I actually trusted lied to me. No big deal there. Okay, it is a big deal to me. I rarely trust people, and when I do, I get very pissed when they break that trust.
But whatever. Yesterday was one of the best days I've had in many, many days. A little unsettling at parts (of course) but other than that, I had a smile on face the whole day, and it stayed up until I realized that I was sleeping in.
I'm calmer now. I have a feeling that this day is just going to get worse, but I'm not going to let it win that easily.
Now I just have to find something to do so I'm not bored... fuck...
(Stolen from a certain person's livejournal)
INSTRUCTIONS:
1. Copy this whole list into your journal.
2. Bold the things that are true about you.
01. When I was younger I made some bad decisions.
02. I don't watch much TV these days.
03. I love psychodelic mushrooms.
04. I love sleeping.
05. I have loads of books.
06. I once slept in a toilet. (does bathtub count?)
07. I like playing video games.
08. I adore marijuana.
09. I watch porn movies.
10. I watch them with my father. The hell?
11. I like sharks.
12. I love spiders.
13. I was born without hair and I still have no hair.
14. I like George Bush.
15. People are cool.
16. I have changed a lot mentally over the last year.
17. I have jacuzzi and a Porsche.
18. I have a lot to learn.
19. I carry my knife everywhere with myself.
20. I'm really really smart.
21. I've never broken someone's bones.
22. I have a secret.
23. I hate snow.
24. I drink only milk.
25. Punk rock rules.
26. I hate Bill Gates!
27. I love Chinese food.
28. I would hate to be famous.
29. I am not a morning person.
30. I wear glasses.
31. I don't need glasses, except sunglasses.
32. I have potential.
33. I'm pure Japanese.
34. My legs are two different sizes.
35. I have a twin.
36. I wear a padded bra. (grad party...)
37. I can ramble on about absolutely nothing.
38. I'm left-handed.
39. I hate llamas, but I'm one of them. I'd comment, but....
40. I don't like horror movies.
41. I suck at climbing, but I love it anyway.
42. People hate me usually.
43. I love pop music.
44. I hardly ever go to bed before midnight.
45. I hate parking fines.
46. I know the National Anthem of my country by impulsive memory.
47. I know more than two languages.
48. I spend too much time on my computer.
49. I often want to throw out the computer through a window.
50. I live on a ground floor.
51. I don't like chocolate.
52. I'd like to be more original.
53. I've lied.
54. Cocks are my favorite birds.
55. I want to conquer the world.
56. I wonder what happens when you die.
57. I've read all books about Harry Potter.
58. Eat your dog! ...?
59. I love to exercise.
60. I hate chemistry with a passion.
61. I love to write.
62. I like changes.
63. I hate going to class.
64. I am afraid to die.
65. I hate dish washing.
66. My hair is long, brown, and incredibly curly.
67. My nails are nine inches long.
68. My favourite colour is Black.
69. I like to sleep on the floor.
70. I am hopeless at cooking.
71. I sucked my thumb when I was little.
72. I should be doing something else rather than writing this.
73. I am online a lot, but not on MSN.
74. I hate government.
75. I don't have a boyfriend.
76. I'm too nice for my own good.
77. I love to read, I read as much as I can.
78. I don't trust newspapers.
79. I like debating.
80. I live in a lagoon.
81. I clean my room once a month. (not even)
82. I'm scared of American fast food.
83. I am prying open my third eye.
84. I love Mozambique.
85. I don't trust any religion.
86. I used to play with barbies because all the other girls were doing it.
87. I wanted to be a super hero when I was little.
88. I like listening to wind chimes.
90. My hair is long and straight.
91. I earn a lot.
92. I don't like spicy food.
93. I keep a blog journal thingy.
94. I can't do cartwheels.
95. I am very lazy.
96. I'm sarcastic.
97. I think my hair is annoying.
98. I'm very sensitive.
99. I love being "ab-normal".
100. My left eye is violet and my right eye is light blue.
Is it just me, or is the library fucking cold?
"Holy shit! If Jesse says it's cold, it must be freezing in there!"
Well, yes, it is. I could have sworn I saw my breath at one point...
Why am I posting during my homeroom spare right now instead of catching up on homework due... yesterday? Because I have some dreams I'd like to write down, before I forget them.
See, I went to bed at around 8 last night. I didn't have breakfast, supper, or lunch, so I was a little drained after the mishap I had that day. (I did have about a litre of pop though, and some pretzels) So it's no surprise then that I'd have nightmares, obviously. I woke up several times in the night, not having a very restful sleep. The only dreams I can still remember are from the period between 3 am and 6 am, which were the last two times I woke up.
The first one... I just about forget for a second. It involves a casino, cars, wallets, tunnels, and an asian man. All I really remember is that he stole my wallet at a casino, so I stole his and hid under a car, then ran away when the coast was clear. He was chasing me the whole time in a convertible. I got to a tunnel, went in... and then it stops there.
Riveting, I know.
The second one, I've forgotten already...
But the third one... Now, that was a piece of art! The ending of it was particularly... messed. It actually reminds me of The Rage...
Location was my grade 9 homeroom class, but the walls were a pale green, and the building itself seemed dilapidated and abandoned. At first, everything was normal, nothing scary, for the most part. Then I get into a fight with someone who was younger than me. I shove him against the locker, when I realize he has no face! Startled, I let him go. The teacher sends him to the office, but not me. 'Class' resumes. He comes back to our class with (nothing but) a grin on his face, hugs me, and says he apologizes and that he loves me. I'm thinking 'okay...'
As time goes on, more and more people are sent to the office, (none of them have faces I'm noticing) but come back with faces of people I know. All sit down quietly, and stare at me with creepy grins. It becomes a little unsettling... I realize that suddenly, I'm the centre of attention...
At this point my mind gets a little befuddled, so I can't recall the teacher, or what exactly happens next, but suddenly everyone is standing. I am the only person who hasn't been sent to the office yet. Everyone starts chanting stuff like 'I love you' and 'I want to be your boyfriend/girlfriend' and asking me if I love them. Yeah, told you it was weird...
Now for some reason, everyone in the room just starts dancing. (Don't laugh, it was scary.) Meanwhile I'm just standing there (or sitting at my desk, don't remember) watching them. They all start to close in on me, bumping me, grabbing me, asking me to dance. Their faces are all distorted at this point too, like that one particular Evanescence music video...
I start making my way to the door, trying to get away, pushing through everyone, having a hard time of it. Just as I make it to the door, the crowd backs off unexpectedly. I turn around. One person emerges from the crowd, does a certain something, mumbles something which, to say the least, was totally unexpected, (I won't repeat it here...) And then...
Well, I think I'll just leave it there for now. I have homework to do, you know?
Gah, depressing mood. Depressing song on eternal loop. Lights off, no one to talk to...
Crazy days... my life has been turned upside down. Everything feels... weird...strange...
Broken...
Okay, after a brief nap, I have recollected my thoughts some. Except when it comes to the fact that when I woke up my hand was covered in blood for some reason...
Anyways, first topic; Role Models. Everyone has them, whether they know it or not. For the longest time, when someone would ask me who my role model, I would give the terse reply that I don't identify with any one particular person, and that I instead choose to take the best parts from many people, and try to emulate those parts, rather than the whole. Apparently, that wasn't a satisfactory enough answer for my dad. I tell him that I'd rather be my own person, and not someone else. Still wasn't happy.
After much though on the subject, I managed to come up with an answer that will hopefully satisfy any inquisitive minds into the subject.
I chose Achilles. Big surprise. *rolls eyes*
Next subject. Duct tape. The handiest tool around, with over a million uses. Use #513,305: Keeping little Grade 9's stuck against the wall, where they ought to be. Next Wednesday. Be there to cheer me and Julie et al onwards to sticky victory, if you happen to go to our school that is.
I'll also elaborate on the other stuff. I'm looking to go to Ottawa for a week for a leadership thingy. Should be fun. Details to follow, depending. And yes, I did drop Senior Concert Band as well as Jazz band. Why? Because I felt like it. You're not going to get a better answer out of me, so stop trying already.
Talking to media tomorrow means telling them how I felt over Gwynne Dyer's speech to our school. The teachers chose me and a select other few for several reasons. One being that as Editor-in-Chief of a newspaper, I should get to interact with the media. Also, because I'm an intellectual senior student that will be one of the few to pay attention to what he has to say, and doesn't see it as an excuse to get out of class.
Possible lunchtime job at a school that I've never been to before, but $50 a week to waste my lunch periods sounds like a good tradeoff to me. Again, details as things progress.
As far as my moods are going, well, I'm a little emotional lately. No surprises to be had there, I suppose. Again, I'm listening to depressing music which I love so dearly... it's like a good friend that knows exactly what you're feeling, and what to say. At the moment, it's Fade to Black, by Metallica that is dominating my speakers currently. It's not that I'm suicidal, as the song would imply, (well, no more than usual) but rather I just enjoy the bobbing along to the familiar melancholy melodies, and especially when the song picks up midway into it, so does my spirits similarly pick up, mimicking the song and so on and so forth...
Janis is coming down for the weekend! Woot! Now back to your regularly scheduled me...
Grape Grog. Yum.
I still need to figure out how I'm getting home from NSA though... otherwise I'll have to quit it...
Seems I'm quitting a lot of things already lately. Wonder if there's a reason, or if that I just need that change... It goes hand in hand with my taking on new responsibilities and stuff...
Meh.
Anywho, I should probably get onto my homework that was due today. Seems I'm already getting back into my old bad habits...
Meh.
Pictures.
Me modelling a shirt for a friend. The white shirt was 5 sizes too small...
[Edit: No more picture]
And, could I possibly look any more gay in this next photo?
[Edit: No more picture]
I'm not like them
But I can pretend
The sun is gone
But I have a light
The day is done
But I'm having fun
I think I'm dumb
Or maybe just happy
Think I'm just happy
Think I'm just happy
Think I'm just happy
My heart is broke
But I have some glue
Help me inhale
And mend it with you
We'll float around
And hang out on clouds
Then we'll come down
And have a hangover
Have a hangover
Have a hangover
Have a hangover
Skin the sun
Fall asleep
Wish away
The soul is cheap
Lesson learned
Wish me luck
Soothe the burn
Wake me up
I'm not like them
But I can pretend
The sun is gone
But I have a light
My day is done
But I'm having fun
I think I'm dumb
Maybe just happy
Think I'm just happy
Think I'm just happy
Think I'm just happy
I think I'm dumb
I think I'm dumb
I think I'm dumb
I think I'm dumb
I think I'm dumb
I think I'm dumb
I think I'm dumb
I think I'm dumb
I think I'm dumb
I think I'm dumb
I think I'm dumb
I think I'm dumb
---
I'm loving that Nirvana CD I stole from my brother. So many good trance-y songs of self-loathing and the like... Helps that they're quite catchy to boot.
Wow, lots more changes in mah life. Leadership thingy for a week, and more. Dropping band. Talking to media some tomorrow. Might be busy at lunch too from now on... Also, might even drop NSA. I don't know yet. It depends on rides...
Hmm... it took me three hours to write this much so far. I had a big long post planned after school, but I've just been too busy. I already forgot what I was going to put. Oh well.
Suffer!
How long how long
Will I slide
Seperate my side
I don't
I don't believe its pain
Slittin' my throat is all I ever
I heard your voice through a photograph
I thought it often brought up the past
Once you know you can never go back
I gotta take it on the otherside
Centuries are what it meant to me
A cemetery where I marry the sea
A stranger thing could never change my mind
I gotta take it on the otherside
Take it on the otherside
Take it on
Take it on
How long, how long
Will I slide
Seperate my side.
I don't
I don't believe its pain
Slittin' my throat is all I ever
Pour my life into a paper cup
The ashtray's full and I'm spillin' my guts
She wanna know am I still a slut
I gotta take it on the otherside
A scarlet starlet and she's in my bed
A candidate for a soul mate bled
Pull the trigger and I'll pull the thread
I've got to take it on the otherside
Take it on the otherside
Take it on
Take it on.
How long, how long
Will I slide
Seperate my side
I don't
I don't believe its pain
Slittin' my throat is all I ever
Turn me on take me for a hard ride
Burn me out leave me on the otherside
I yell and tell it that
It's not my friend
I tear it down, I tear it down
And then i'm born again
How long, how long
Will I slide
Seperate my side
I don't
I don't believe its pain
Slittin' my throat is all I ever had
I don't
I dont believe its bad
Slittin' my throat is all I ever
The story of my weekend at camp by myself would read like a survival story... a story for another time perhaps. Not a lot of things I want to put down here.
I just like that song...
These days go by like trucks and trains
Some hit so hard you barely feel a thing
Lights out right now back then and forevermore
Lights out left now these robots marching
To the nearest liquor store
There's something green that's leaving town
Always thought it was blue
Always knew I was wrong
Where it goes hell knows maybe somewhere better than here
And what they say of the grass on the other sides true
Too much time looking up is turning everything blue
Including me - including you
Including you
These times count down like boats and planes
Some wash away in undertow
Some plummet down in flames
Lights out right now back then and forevermore
With sirens on this ambulance is racing to the west coast shore
There's something blue that's leaving town
We always talked about black we're considering brown
Where it goes hell knows
Maybe somewhere better than here
And what they say of the grass on the other sides true
Too much time looking up's turning everything blue
Including me, including the ocean, including you
Feel the ocean blue
Engulfing you
I view the deep blue sea
It's turning red right in front of me
There's something gray that's leaving town
And it's way beyond me
How it gets off the ground
Where it goes hell knows
Maybe somewhere better than here
And what they say of the grass on the other sides true
Too much time looking ups turning everything blue
Including me, including the pilots, including you
Okay, I'm in an alk3 mood... maybe that's why I decided to go out to camp alone for the weekend. Need a break, I guess. Looking back on the past quite a bit... retro-introspection, yeah!
That, and my brain is confused about a number of things. Have to think things through.
Today was fun. Bang, flash, boom, crash... hehe, police.
In the past week, I've gotten mad more times than I've been mad in the past year... looking back on that, it's weird... I truly don't get mad at things often... maybe frustrated at most, but not mad... I wonder why that is... I would have punched you if you were a guy. I've no doubt you would have hit back, of course. I don't know whether it was the subject, or the person I was talking to, or both, or something else... Have to think on it more.
Preferably while throwing knives.
So you want to know why I didn't show any emotion except smile? Because of 2 things; Shit slides off my back having lived in it for so long, and she could have told me that everything I loved was about to die, and I still would have been smiling just because it was her. Hope that clears some things up, or at least gives you something to think about while I am gone.
Life of Pi down, finally. 7 books left.
This past week has been one of the oddest in my life yet... yet it all seems so normal... An old old contact starts talking with me again, nothing technological working for me (even breaking down in some cases because of me), odd sleep habits, simultaneously good and bad days at school, weird conversations with friends that are constantly going from bad to good to bad, hating things I used to love so much, loving things I hated before, new people, new commitments, old friends moving out of my life, changes at home, taking classes where I actually can do the work at a drop of the hat... plus, the obligatory vague statement: and so much more...
So maybe it just feels wonderful that my mom has offered me the camp at my place for an entire weekend just to myself. I'm allowed to invite people if I wanted... but I don't know if I want to, of course. A good number of people I'd want to invite can't come, mainly by being busy throughout the weekend. Then again, a weekend in solitude may be nice after all...
-NSA today... I managed to actually get it without a fight. I hope it's as easy as it was today for a while yet.
-Laurie Hynes almost ran me over. Always knew she was a bitch.
-I need to figure out how much I owe Steve now, for him to get a new mouse... I ruined his last one... And yes, that means I'm at his place right now and thus, doing everything by hand. Lucky for windows it has all these shortcuts and stuff. It's like walking around while blind, but not as dangerous, just more confusing.
-And I saw that one coming... not really a surprise... almost funny, despite the fact it's supposed to be serious... and I'm not referring to anything I already wrote above. I suppose I'll get depressed sooner or later. Not now though. Cherish the good mood while I have it, and I shouldn't.
Seriously, the past couple of days have been so messed up for me... it's just crazy is what it is...
-Gave Marie a white rose. Go me. I still wonder if she wants to kill me. Pfft, what a question... everyone does, but none more than myself.
-If I'm not doing anything Saturday (And I highly doubt I am) then I'll be heading to the Pagan Pride festival at Carmicheal Arena. Ask about information if you want to go. It's free. I just need to find myself a way to get there.
-Although, wallowing in self-pity and isolated depression all weekend seems like a good choice too...
-Tired and malnourished that I am, I almost fainted twice yesterday, and once the day before that. It's becoming more common, yay.
-Speaking of which, I'm going to lie down now, maybe catch a couple of Z's before they run away...
-I'm the new Eddie-in-chief for a certain newspaper now... go me...
-Can you believe some dumbass actually sold Dream Theater's Metropolis Part II; Scenes From a Memory to a hock shop? I figure it was stolen, and that the thief had it already. Regardless, I got a $40 CD for $5. Go me.
-I'm laughing all through Chemistry class. Because I took it, I'm getting all the abstract components that our class didn't fully understand until the exam last year. That, and I'm still classified as gifted. Wow. I didn't know that.
-It feels like I'm cheating though... Everything's too easy. It's like being back in grade 6, and doing the work there. (Admittedly, for me, I was doing grade 8 work then)
-Damn Steve's computer... it really doesn't like working... Yeah, it also means the old schedule of sleeping at his place Tuesdays. Fun.
-Picture day tomorrah... that should be... interesting, to say the least for what funny face I decide to put on.
-People are asking me what to be for Hallowe'en. I dunno how I could possibly top last year's costume I had though...
-I'm this close to quitting SCB... *motions with fingers* I mean 9 altos is a LITTLE too much for a band of 50... a handful of altos can drown out a train. That, and I'm seriously tired of fighting over J-6... *grumbles*
The room is dark. The only light available is coming from the solitary candle in the middle of room. Atop the candle, the flame sits there. It does not feel like dancing on this normally joyous occasion. Rather, it stays still, burning itself, melting away it's foundations. It needs them to stay alive, but it doesn't care. It can't change what it is. Even though the candle is in stark contrast to the darkness that envelops the room, it is not very bright this day. Almost as if it were losing the battle to darkness...
Along the walls, the shadows stare in silent contemplation. They do not dare move, lest they interrupt this solemn, depressing moment.
If one would take their eyes off the bright flame for a moment to look around the room, one would note the absence of any objects in the room. There is no paintings covering the wall, no windows to let the outside in, and, if one strains their eyes long enough, one could notice the faint outline of a door, painted in the same depressing faded light blue that covers the walls.
Indeed, the only object in the room is a stately, majestic dining table in the centre of the room. It is made of oak, and is massive, barely fitting inside the room itself. One wonders how such a table could have been brought into the room. Should one's mind linger long enough on the subject, they would come to one of two answers; It was either built in the room, or the room was built up around it. Though it seems unlikely, it is actually the latter that is true. Upon learning that though, one would ask where the table came from?
Some things we may never know...
The table is richly adorned with the settings of a banquet fit for a king. The plates are engraved china. The silverware is elegantly made, embossed with gold. Each chair is massive. Expertly carved, and made of oak wood, these chairs would look at home in any royal palace's throne room. They are empty, all of them.
As one's gaze is drawn back to the yellow flame atop the candle, a pair of eyes appear to be gazing back from the darkness. Deeply blue, these eyes would appear sullen, and tired, but yet, very deep. The eyes protrude an aura of pain, and longing, along with wisdom. At this moment, they appear to be in pain.
A lone voice breaks the silence...
"Happy birthday to me..."
-blame Adi for that one. If you don't know what I mean, chances are I'd have to waste time explaining to you. If by any chance you do, then go check it out.
-Geek?
-saw Intern Academy today. (Yesterday, to be literal and specific) The phrase, "American Pie in a hospital" describes it quite accurately. It was just as funny too, but no shock value, now that we've seen a number of teen sex comedies at this point in our lives. By we, I am referring to me, myself, and the people I know who read this. Mediocre movie. Rent only.
-My cat has attached itself to the cuffs of my jeans, or, more accurately, the ripped parts of my jeans that have taken their place. Damn kitten. He's biting my knee know. He so cute.
-I was a little happier today, but the problems haven't really fixed themselves. Or maybe just knowing everyone else was in a bad mood helped. I have a theory that when I am depressed, most other people are happy because I absorb their depression. But, should I become happy myself, all the depression I am used to and acquainted with disperses itself among the people I know. ("Jesse's happy. Something must be wrong." - Rachel)
-Even Biff says I'm a downer quite often. And Marie doesn't talk to me because of that. Courtney talks to me because of that, I think. The only other people are those that are either people I've met recently, or rarely talk to. I have maybe one good MSN convo a day, on average.
However, on one particular forum I frequent in which the very small population is of 90% angsty teens that want to kill everyone in the world, by comparison, I'm the nicest guy there. It's where I let out my inner angel, whereas my inner devil comes out here. What you see anywhere else is a mixture of both. If you look into my eyes long enough, you can see them fighting. The more colour in them means the angel is winning, and the lack of colour means the devil is raping the angel.
-So, today was one of the better days. In other words, it means that the devil is taking a break from raping the angel for a little while. Even demons can't go on for so long without a break... But then again, he loves inflicting the pain on himself.
-In summary, the weekend will suck, likely. Considering my birthday is in it.
am I feeling better? probably not. I can't tell. I just woke up. Lack of sleep last night. Marie knows why, for some reason. I alluded to it in my last post too. (Wee, it's all melting away...)
School. History will suck. Teacher is dumb. Class is extra dumb. ('Constantinople bigger than Rome? No way. Why isn't it more famous then?)
Chem. Not bad. Actually interesting.
Bio. boring, still.
Spare? Extra boring.
Lunch? Even more boring. Everyone enjoys walking away from me. Even the little grade 9 girl.
Anything besides school? Hell no. I fell asleep upon coming home. Which means I missed out on supper. Which means my total amount of solids today is half a sandwich, and a crumbled nutri-grain bar which ended up being my supper, only because the owner refused to eat it. I'm getting better at this whole eating thing...
My mom wants me to have a party at my placev for my birthday, and for me to invite all my friends. I almost just told her I have no friends. Fuck parties. They are the last thing on my mind right now. Besides, it wouldn't be any fun. Imagine it... Me walking out on my own party at my own house. Wouldn't that just be fun?
Apologies to Lex. I was being stupid today. I shouldn't have asked for that. I won't post it on my blog, even though it's something I'd do...
Truth is, I've just been feeling extra specially shitty this past little while. I guess it's tapering down. Fucking bipolarity. Of course, blaming that is taking the easy way out. I'll blame myself. Hence, I did what I did. But no, that too was stupid... I still haven't figured out why though. Fuck, it is addicting. More power to Ry.
In other words, good night. All apologies.
I'm kind of lacking on the whole trust issue right now. I'm also lacinng on a good grip onn reality. Inn fact, I'm lacking in ust about eeryhtinvvg vrtight now.v nothing matters to me at them moemtnn... I sut want to hurt eerythignn, eevryone, mainly myself. Isn't it obiouus?
Lies make the world go rounnd. I lie to myself daily. I'm nnot human, nor am I somethinng special or divvinne. Hell, I'm ust me.
You now what I am thnnking right now? Thinnk of a rollercoaster annd carousel inn one. That's me. NNork. Armpit!
FUCK YOU! NNOT TOMORROW! NO! I may nnot be thre tomorrow. You expect ot lie to me, andn then for me to be your friennd? nno. it don't work that way.oay, so I pissed at stuff. evvveryone gets mad now and thenn, right? I donn't. I havvent nneb mad inn years. in the anngry sort of way. my pinky don't work from that, you hear! no madness! i might lose more than a piny.
paranooia! yes! whoo! No 1
die
is dead
or is it?
if you havvenn't guessed it by now, I hate them lies! worst thinng inn the world, they are. how ma I uspposed to feel if noonne trusts me? maybe there right, that I donn't deserve to nnow. I mean, i'd probably do something DTUPOID and ruin it, right? of course, I do it ll the time, donn't i?
the world is melting away, annd 'friennd' along with it, og waht a sasd day it is...
I miss 'friennd', but she was ust a dream. the real one never existed. ooh yes.
Hye, I lovvved you, or stil do. I don't know annymore... bah, you kno what i mena. apologies maybe for earlier. OR NOT! OR MAYBE SO!
4 down... who lefT?
me
8dannces*
it's funnny cause it's true.
true? nno, it's a lie. always a lie.
the entire way of livving is one big lie. too general. evvery facet of our lives is imbued with lies!
ooh, I havev a point. Read 'the giver' Nnow imaginen if the society went back to havving choices. maybe it's like our society havving truth.
truth, ustice, annd the cannaidian way.
i go to school tomorrow, act like nothing happenn. people smile, pretend they care. lies. always the lying. they don't knnow they is lyinng though, which is tragedy
so sad...
Cake and vanilla for school today! Well, mostly. Chem and Bio are cake. History is vanilla.
Please don't make me explain those.
On another note, I'm FUCKING TIRED, but what else is new, eh?
School had it's ups and downs. It'll be fun meeting new people, even though I don't really want to. Homeroom spare is actually quite boring. My one friend that I made went and got himself a class during that period. Damn him. But I might get Warlords Battlecry 3. Yay! We have 5 Chris' in our homeroom spare. Yes, 5.
Bio is pretty much the same, as is Chem, but with an additional unit, and more overlap. More field trips too. The forensics is mainly problem solving. Logic stuff.
This picture describes quite adequately how I am feeling at the moment...
You'll never realize just how close I came to having a mental breakdown just now... but then again, you don't get scared if you know a meteor passed within 50,000 kilometres of earth, even though that is really damn close.
Either way, the end result is that I am tired, and am more than likely to sleep in tomorrow for school. It's funny... every year, I'd get this giddy feeling at the beginning of school, anxious to get the year started and see everybody... but not this year. What I'm feeling right now is akin to being a zombie. I don't care if school starts tomorrow. Nevermind the fact I haven't done any shopping, my sleeping schedule is still set to summer, none of my clothes are clean, and I don't know if I'm even on the bus this year... I'm not packed or ready for school. Oh well. I'll get on that later...
Right now, I have glass in my foot which is causing an abnormal amount of bleeding...
Anywho, haven't really been posting as there's nothing all that interesting to post about. I guess I could go off on a rant about computer games, but I'm too lazy. I'll give you the gist of it;
Don't you hate it when you buy a computer game, and it ends up not working for some reason? It's a waste of money, it is. Now, I'm a computer gamer through and through, because it'll always be superior to the console systems... but damn the fact each game's requirements always seem to be vastly different.
Anyone want a computer game?
My brother's girlfriend is upstairs, waiting for my mom to come home so she can have some money to get a bus ticket back to Calgary. I pity her. It's not going to be a fun ride.
The weekend was fun though, I guess. Drunk people singing, stripping, dancing with each other... pouring beer over each other, throwing food at each other, and general all-around tomfoolery. They didn't like my DJing, because apparently you can't dance to AC/DC. No, they preferred the old stuff from back in the day.
At least the corn roast was good. Aside from the fact I was one of the first to get a plate, and the last to finish up. They had me doing errands all day. From going around stealing picnic tables all around the campsite (44 to be exact) to setting up a stage, to husking corn, to babysitting, and running back and forth all day getting stuff. Yeah, it was fun. Actually, I went tubing in the frigid waters Saturday. I only fell off once, and that because I was lying on my stomach, with only my arms to keep me on. After 20 minutes on that thing, I could barely move my arms.
Then, by the end of it, people were disappearing. I ended up going on a search and rescue with Carole to find them. We went into the (dark and scary) woods looking for them. Didn't find them until 3 in the morning.
I forgot how much I loved tents.
Anyways, this computer sucks right now because it doesn't have my music. That one is at camp. This one I threw together with a bunch of power cords and several different computer pieces. Still would like my music back...
Tomorrow may just suck... 6 days left
I'm sure I used that title before, but fuck it, it fits.
I don't even know why I go to parties anymore... it's just as well that I had stayed home, or even with Janis who is leaving.
Fuck, I left my glasses there. As you can guess, my face is approximately two feet from the screen, The opto-doctor was saying that I'll blind by the time I'm 25 if my luck fails me. Hurrah.
Plus, Steve knows more about my heart now than just about anybody.
You know what? That last sentence deserves a grin...
*grins*
Fuck it...
Davidy rules.
...Well, it wouldn't be much of a post if I just left it at that, would it? (Though one person might just agree to leave it, but I digress.)
Wow, it is rather abnormal for me to not update in 3-4 days. Usually it's two at the most. I must be addicted to these things.
Anywho, I just got (borrowed) Baldur's Gate: Dark Alliance 2. I've been looking for it for a while. Despite the fact it whored off the BG title, the first one was actually pretty fun, if short. After I post this, I'll be off to play it.
My Body Mass Index is 19. Borderline normal, almost underweight. Big surprise. I eat one meal a day. Not a good thing. Even though one must understand the BMI doesn't work for everybody, since everyone is different.
To a serious subject, allow me to say I am an optimist. I am an optimist. (We will be attacked in the future.)
And by that, I mean that this year in school is going to suck. Big time. I'm an optimist.
Sorry.
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