|
Black Rose Immortal
Latest posts below.
I dragged this lake looking for corpses
Dusted for prints, pried up the floorboards
Pieces of planes and black box recorders
Don't lie (don't lie)
And I've been preoccupied with these sick, sick senses
That sense DNA on barbed wire fences
Maybe someday I'll find me a suspect
That has no alibi
New Year's Eve was as boring as heaven
I watched flies fuck on channel 11
There was no one to kiss, there was nothing to drink
Except some old rotten milk someone left in the sink
And there's no ring, there's no ring on the phone anymore
There's no reason to call I passed out on the floor
Smoked myself stupid and drank my insides raisin dry
But at the right place at the right time
I'll be dead wrong and you'll be just fine
I won't have to quit doing fucked up shit
For anyone but me
At the right place at the right time
It will have been worth it to stand in line
And you won't have to stop
Saying "I love cops" for anyone but me
Your private eye
I dragged this lake looking for corpses
Dusted for prints, pried up the floorboards
Pieces of planes and black box recorders
Don't lie (don't lie)
And I've been preoccupied with these sick, sick senses
That sense DNA on barbed wire fences
Maybe someday I'll find me a suspect
That has no alibi
But at the right place at the right time
I'll be dead wrong and you'll be just fine
And I won't have to quit doing fucked up shit
For anyone but me
And at the right place at the right time
It will have been worth it to stand in line
And you won't have to stop
Saying "I love cops" for anyone but me
Your private eye
Your private eye
But at the right place at the right time
I'll be dead wrong and you'll be just fine
You won't have to quit doing fucked up shit
For anyone but me
And at the right place at the right time
It will have been worth it to stand in line
And you won't have to stop
Saying "I love cops" for anyone but me
Your private eye
-Private Eye by Alkaline Trio
last modified Jun 14, 2006 at 1:46
Sometimes I feel like I deserve to burn in hell. For being me. It's a self-flagellating type of feeling. Always has been.
I don't live with my regrets. I try not to regret anything. Caustic and defensive and uncaring and stoic. That's what I am, right?
I don't eliminate or convert these regrets to escape them. I bury them. Because sometimes, I like to open my little treasure box of memories and dump everything out.
When you first cast your eyes on something that you haven't seen in ages, those memories come flooding back. And when it's 5:30 in the morning, lying awake with insomnia... I open myself up to these memories.
Perhaps it's the loneliness. Perhaps it's the regret. Perhaps it's just wishful thinking...
Cake.
People say I'm proud of things that I shouldn't be. That I'm a warped person with a warped mind. (insomnia does that to you)
I keep most of my old e-mails. Mainly the important ones. They remind of what it's like to have feelings, when I forget.
In them are faces, events, emotions, and people. What I find are regrets. If I didn't have them, I would truly be emotionless, wouldn't I?
But... when I recall these things...
It would certainly seem so.
Uncaring. Not dependable. Lazy. Asshole. Liar. Fuckhead. Jerkwad. How dare you? How could you? Why? Why?
Every person I've ever hurt. Every person I've ever cared for and that has cared for me. Friends. Lovers. Family. I let them down almost daily.
Sometimes it seems like my life started in February 2003. It was the first time I encountered love, I believe. And I couldn't handle it. I guess I never could.
Heartbreaker was never something I was proud of... Never. It was my way of saying that I let everyone who ever got close to me down.
I think I love you, but what am I so afraid of?
I'm afraid of a love there is no cure for...
It's... a little sad how I push everyone away. It's like I'm scared. Scared to be me. I never knew who that was, but at the same time I doubt a lot of people really know who they are. (Thank God for blogs and the internet...)
From the mother who was never around,
to the girls who hated me in elementary,
and that I made fun of and teased back,
to the childhood fling I had at camp with Irene,
and the crushes on girls who were repulsed by me,
and lacking the courage to even talk to most girls...
Irene
Celine
Carole
Alex
Marie
Regan
Courtney
Kat
Alisa
Amanda
Jazz
Allison.
I'm missing a few. I had trouble remembering names. (It's 6:30 now, so sue me.)
It's funny. I still don't know anything about love. To want someone. To need someone. To be with someone.
I put your picture away... Sat down and cried today...
I just called to say I want you... Come back home...
Perhaps it's better for me this way. Better for her. What I want never really mattered. Because I could never really matter.
Do you realize you have the most beautiful face?
|