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Who is responsible for the death of Romeo and Juliet?
Much speculation over the years as to which character or characters in shakespeare's play caused the death of Romeo and Juliet, but so far all of it has been completely wrong. Whether settling on the obvious (and therefore obviously WRONG) conclusion that they were responsible for their own deaths, or blaming God or their parents or the trees, we miss several key points that clearly illustrate the truth, as I will attempt to demonstrate. This truth is: Romeo and Juliet never died at all.
The first, and most obvious basis for this conclusion that most scholars miss is that Romeo and Juliet aren't real people. They are, in fact, characters in a play. I have consulted many philosophers, biologists, and theologians on the subject, and they have all come to the same conclusion. If something was never alive, it can't be killed. To verify this discovery I spent the rest of the afternoon trying to murder a rock. It simply couldn't be done.
With evidence this damning, I could end this paper here, but apparently it has to be five paragraphs long, so I'll continue with my second observation which proves the same conclusion. Romeo and Juliet, as written by Shakespeare, are clearly meant to portray two young grifters out to hone their skills, not depressing, angsty, suicidal teens. The fact that they dress like everyone else is a dead give away. Con artists want to fit in, be one of the crowd. Suicidal teens wear all black, die their hair purple, and listen to punk music.
So Romeo and Juliet take their grifting too far and cause their families to start murdering each other, which is all too common for adolescent behavior. When it looks like they get will caught, Juliet fakes her own death. The deception comes so easily to her. So are we to believe Romeo kills himself with the poison, or is this another con, this time directed at the audience? I propose the latter. Juliet once again does the same, and the play ends. The audience leaves depressed, and Shakespeare gets a laugh at our expense. I for one am not falling for it.
So there it is. Generations of scholars proven to be idiots in a mere four paragraphs, or five if you want to count this one, which will mostly consist of gloating. Fictional characters, who can't die, have tricked nearly everyone into thinking they died, when they didn't, not even fictionally. It's a sad commentary on these literary minds when a teenage boy like myself, who has to his recollection never even read Romeo and Juliet seriously, can surpass them in every way.
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*sniff* Brings a tear to my eye...
last modified Jan 31, 2004 at 19:08
a thing of beauty, Mr. Chuckle-Trousers. Truly, it is.
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