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Crying, Crying...
FUCK LIFE! IT'S ALL JUST ONE BIG JOKE!
*runs around in circles screaming*
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
If life is just one big joke, then all I'm waiting for is the fucking punchline...
God... I fucking hate it... everything... every day just gets worse and worse... Life is just one big long neverending series of having shit being dumped on you... life will never be good for me... obstacles love to jump in my way constantly...
Stupid fucking broken promises my whole life, the recent one still hurting. Is it so much to want to see your family once every 6 years? Especially when they're dying? Or to follow up on the promise to give me money to get a guitar finally? I've been waiting since... *checks first post of weblog* August. Not that it matters if I ever got it, since I'd suck at it, and probably give up on it, as I do everything... I'm never going to be able to buckle down and get good grades, enough to get me into Veterinary Medicine. Not that I'm not smart enough (which is more of a curse when you're dipolar), I just suck at studying seeing as I never had to, so I fucked myself in the ass there... Then there's my other grandma, the one whom I just recently learned about... there's a reason I never saw her or talked to her. She's been in a mental institution a good portion of her life. It might explain some things, but I won't rely on that... What good is doing something if you're not the best at it? Why should I be so imperfect? Am I just a perfectionist to the extreme? Possibly. Good fucking gravy, I'm going to cut myself again if I'm not careful... Squeezing the razor in my hand, clenching my fist tightly. The razor is dull, so I can't cut myself. I have thick skin. I also have low blood pressure, which is responsible for my cold hands, fatigue, headaches, and sleep paralysis. Have you ever had sleep paralysis? It's scary. It feels like there is an elephant sitting on your chest when you wake up... no matter what you do, you can't move your appendages... and because of the fatigue, you'd just rather close your eyes and sleep it off.. And then there's you. You know who you are. I hate you. Almost as much as myself. Why do you torment me so? I wish I could just kill you... and you... hell, just about everything... I think I'll become a Nihilist and destroy everything... nothing deserves to live in this world... Why do I have to be dipolar? It drives me fucking nuts! One minute, I'm happy, on top of the world, feeling superior, then the next I'm at the bottom of the world, feeling the opposite, and depressed because I'm not in my other mood. Is there some sort of on/off switch in my brain I can just flick in my head and instantly feel better? Drugs-No. Professional Help-No. Death-Maybe. Temporary solution to a temporary problem my ass. I AM MENTALLY ILL PEOPLE! I deserve to be in a fucking crazy house, like my Grandma... I'll probably end up going to jail first for lashing at someone, be it my 'friends' or some random fuckwit that I'll stab to death...
I REALLY WANTED TO GO TO KELOWNA! I HOPED TO HAVE MY GUITAR BY NOW! I WANT TO SPEND AT LEAST ONE NIGHT WITH REGAN OUTSIDE OF SCHOOL BEFORE SHE'S GONE! I WANT TO GET GOOD GRADES IN SCHOOL SO I CAN WORK WITH ANIMALS! I WISH I WASN'T SO FUCKING CRAZY! I WISH I WAS PERFECT!
...I wish a lot of things...
Then I look at other people... they've always had it so much easier than me... why do they get it easier? why is it so much harder for me... Hell, I basically live by riding the coattails of people I know...
Steve's mom thinks I might have Diabetes...
*stares at the punching bag*
Aye, I can punch.
*punches self*
Imperfect body, imperfect mind... I do not belong on this world...
Life is just a fleeting dream, but death is forever...
last modified Mar 10, 2004 at 8:01
Nothing is perfect, not You, nor I, nor even the gods themselves.
Relax, breath the polluted air in nice deep breaths, get a massage
and, I mean neither to disrespect You or to seem callous, GET OVER IT!
Wow.
Just... wow... yeah.
I'm sorry, Jesse. You might not be listening, but I'm sorry.
And not just for myself, ok?
Oncoming thunderstorms.
umm, yea...how is everyone supposed to take this? I've never seen Regan so utterly deflated! she, all of us for that matter don't know what to think!! What do we say to you? do we treat you differently? you should know by now that ur not crazy, u deserve to live. Repeated: you have as much a rite to live as me, regs, marie, biff, lex, steeve, janis, courtney, sweetha...anyone and everyone that we know. And all those things you wish for... you can make them happen. You have to have faith, hope and will. If you want to go to kelowna, if you want a guitar, if you want to spend a nite with regan outside of school, if u want to work with animals. you can do all those things and so so so much more. you have to believe in yourself. you have to know in your heart that you can do it. and everyone is standing behind you 110% we love you jesse...always
*hugs*
P.S. Another repeat: Just don't do anything stupid please? Put away the razors, throw out the knives. Keep yourself together, and keep holding on.
HEY! i rocognize that picture! I stole it off of www.ruinyourlife.com!! Been to a self harm site? JW its a pretty kewl site
1) Dude, I love you.
2) That is a wicked pic.
Oh SU! It's grammar, that's Ali's job - not mine. Plus you can still read it. :P And if you REAlLY wanted to fix it you would, becasue you know my password so :P!
'I' before 'E' except after 'C'...
or when sounded as 'A' as in 'neighing' and 'way'...
or a bunch of other times... not falling into the above categories...
We ask for freedom, to be marionets without strings. And we recieve. But with freedom comes obstacles. Obstacles we all need to overcome.
Sometimes we wish for a puppetmaster, someone to take on responsabilities, to make life easy. Someone we can hide behind, who will lead us over the mountains. But then we never see victory. We are never perfect, we are always second best.
Perfect is attainable, but perfection in itself is a flaw. And without flaws perfection cannot be achieved.
Makes a hell of alot of sense eh? I'd explain... but that wouldn't let your minds do the thinking... I'll say just this - without mistakes we would never learn, without having learned we will never be perfect.
As for not being able to go out west, I'm semi mad at your father, and I've never met him... I understand how you feel though, except I saw my grandfather more often... Fairly often. However could I have had my one wish it would have been to see the strangth in his eyes again, and for him to be able to see his grandchildren. You are undoubtedly your grandparent's pride and joy. If you cant see them, perhaps you can write them, call them. Something. Be sure you let them know that you love them, because I never got my chance and neither did many other grandchildren in this world. It is unfortunate that you can't see your grandparents, but you are one of the lucky ones, who can say those three magic words once more.
*hugs*
Hey. Jesse, please. You are scaring me.
Repeat phrase: Sorry about the...everything.
I don't know why some people get it easier than others, it just happens that way. If I could trade lives, histories, with you, I would. I don't know what to do. I want to help you. I need to help you. I just don't know how. But I do know one thing. You have to keep fighting. For yourself, for the rest of us. Trust me. I love to spend time with you. To me, you are perfect. You can pull up your grades if you really work at it. Start by improving study habits.
Next, you are not crazy. Yes, manic depression is a horrible thing, but again, I know that you can beat it. I know this because I know that when you set your mind, you can do whatever you want.
People need wishes, love. How can you dream without wishes? But perfect? Unattainable by the human race. We were not made perfect, we were not meant to be perfect. Again, trust me. You belong here, as much as I do, as much as Kyla, as much as Marie, as much as Steve, Janis, Biff, Lex, Courtney, Swetha, and everyone else we know.
Another repeat: Just don't do anything stupid please? Put away the razors, throw out the knives. Keep yourself together, and keep holding on.
I'm here for you. Always.
hope you're gettin better there...nothing is tall to overcome loki, its your own outlook that makes it too tall...edicus if u want some help i could help you im very good with helping 
Sorry about the... everything.
Hope things work out one way or another.
And seriously, professional help is a good thing, but the cost on it is another... Just don't do anything stupid please?
Remember, most of those wishes you made are obtainable if you work hard nuff... There are just certain obsticles you must overcome. Of course, i understand that some of the obsticles are simply too tall to try and defeat.
<sotto voce>
He's venting here so he isn't overly anxious when I see him...
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