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julie.
when you're older you will understand.
last modified Jan 23, 2008 at 21:56
I love Brendan Flewelling,
and I want to be with him until forever
because he makes me super happy.
but I hate her.
WHY is it that when she doesn't seem to cross my mind anymore,
she says something stupid or I just see her out.
It's dumb I tell you.
I still want to knock her out, it'd be fun for me.
I miss my friends.
I HATE working at McDonalds.
Like why have I been there soooo long, too long.
It's driving me insane and I need to quit.
But I'm going to save up for a trip somewhere on my reading week. I want to go on vacation sooo badly.
Brendan's got me working out lately,
which is good because he actually makes me DO stuff at the gym which comes in handy.
annnnnnnnnnnnnd that's about it.
ps, why do you avoid talking about stuff?
How about a round of applause?
standing ovation.
You look so dumb right now
standing outside my house
trying to apologize
you're so ugly when you cry
please, just cut it out.
Don't tell me you're sorry cause you're not
& baby when I know you're only sorry you got caught.
But you put on quite a show, really had me going.
but now it's time to go,
curtain's finally closing.
That was quite a show.
Very entertaining.
But it's over now, go on and take a bow.
Grab your clothes and get gone.
you better hurry up,
before the sprinklers come on.
Talking about,
'Girl I love you, you're the one.'
This just looks like a rerun.
Please, what else is on?
And don't tell me you're sorry, cause you're not.
Baby when I know, you're only sorry you got caught.
But you put on quite a show, really had me going.
but now it's time to go,
curtain's finally closing.
That was quite a show.
Very entertaining.
But it's over now, go on and take a bow.
And the award for the best lie goes to you for making me believe that you could be faithful to me.
Let's hear your speech.
How about a round of applause?
standing ovation
But you put on quite a show, really had me going.
but now it's time to go,
curtain's finally closing.
That was quite a show.
Very entertaining.
But it's over now, go on and take a bow.
But it's over now.
some day I think I'm going to take the time to print out every entry I've put on this silly website. Because for a bit of my life, like 2 or 2 years ago, this was my only way about getting my feelings out, in my dramatic broken-hearted teenage state of mind.
I look at old posts, mainly when I went through the toughest time of my life so far, 'the breakup' and I kinda feel sorry for myself. I was so hurt, and I didn't have a clue about what to do about it or him, I was so lost.
I'd like to think I've come a long long way since then. It's been so long, but I still think about it all the time. I guess that's just how it's supposed to be...but I don't regret any of it.
I secretly look at my boyfriends ex girlfriends facebook page, which has links to youtube and some other blog site. I spent hours one night reading each and every single one of her blogs, just to see if I could find out if she said anything. About him, about me, about what happened behind closed doors, anything. I did, not a whole lot, but I did. And I went to the site looking for something to get angry at, because deep down inside that still hurts too. Even now, I still don't know how I didn't even see it, I was so blind because I only saw what I wanted to see, that, and I trusted him. I remember that day that he told me she slept over because of the fight with her mom. I was talking to him on the computer on my spare because he didn't go to school. I asked if they did anything, he said no, and I trusted him. I think even more so then the whole cheating part, it was the lying...because he kept lying about it, week after week. Why was I so stupid? As if I'm STILL talking about this. It's been so long, and Brendan and I have come so far in our relationship, but it doesn't make it all okay in my mind. I don't think he even has a clue how much it still bothers me.
I have a hard time for truly forgiving people.
I'm still mad at brendan for being so stupid and unfaithful.
I'm still mad that Michael would have taken that many drugs to kill himself.
I'm still mad at that Jacob boy for killing Cherise, even though I couldn't even imagine what he went through.
I'm still mad at amanda, for just being amanda. For what she and him did, for what she did to me, and just being her.
Funny thing is though, I bet we actually could have been friends. Maybe not, but when I read her blogs or look at her videos, I bet we could have gotten along. Not that it would really matter, cause I bet it wouldn't have happened anyways. Not that I'll ever admit that to any one.
Whatever. Past is the past. I don't even talk about it anymore.
Some days I wonder what it would be like, if things were different. If for some reason I became single, or taken again, would my summer be extremely lonely? I think I'm afraid of losing him because I don't want to be alone...actually I KNOW that's why. I've always had some weird twisted way of thinking that being without a significant other is a bad thing. I guess I started the whole serious dating thing so young that it just kind of stuck.
I love him, I do. Some days at school I question myself, but when it comes down to it, I love him. I just wish he would TRY. He has absolutely no motivation, and that's what kills me. If I'm going to be with him for the rest of my life, I want a guy who is able to support me, not someone who is going to tag along behind me and just do whatever. I really want him to find something he's interested in. He just doesn't want to look. Maybe he's afraid to grow up, I don't blame him, but he needs to do something. I don't want to have to break up with him in a year or so because he's not doing anything with his life and feel like that whole thing could have easily been avoided. And I don't want to do it now either, and find out it was a huge mistake and it be too late. Maybe I just need to scare him a little.
I wish I could write songs.
Spend all your time waiting
For that second chance
For a break that would make it ok
There's always some reason
To feel not good enough
And it's hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
Oh beautiful release
Memory seep from my veins
Let me be empty and, oh, weightless
And maybe I'll find some peace tonight
In the arms of the angel
Fly away from here
From this dark cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You're in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort here
So tired of the straight line
And everywhere you turn
There's vultures and thieves at your back And the storm keeps on twisting
You keep on building the lies
That you make up for all that you lack
It don't make no difference
Escaping one last time
It's easier to believe in this sweet madness
Oh this glorious sadness that brings me to my knees
In the arms of the angel
Fly away from here
From this dark cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You're in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort here
Secretly, we don't want next year to happen with you.
We're just kind of stuck with it now.
Smarten up, stop being so lame.
I want to go home.
These past three days I just havent been happy.
I wish I was like 16 again, that'd be nice.
I'm not sure exactly what it is, but like I don't MIND it here, it's just not as exciting as I would have hoped I guess?
I mean sometimes I have a blast with my roommates, and other people too...but I don't know. I guess I'm still just getting used to it.
I let myself get down though, and I shouldn't.
I confuse myself.
so yet another person I know had died.
that'd 4 people in the past 2 years, all young too.
I don't understand.
and every time someone else dies, not only do I get upset about that, but it brings up the fact that Michael died, which makes it even worse.
Although I knew the other people, I wasn't FRIENDS with them, more aqaintences. But it's so much harder when you grew up with someone.
Maybe if he was still alive we wouldn't even talk anymore, or maybe we would. But either or, it would be better if he WAS alive.
I know the way he died was stupid, he overdosed. I don't know if he knew what he was doing, but he had to have some knowledge about what he was doing, and for that, it makes me angry at him. I'm angry because he didn't stop to think what might have happened if he did such a stupid thing like that.
But the other half of me can't be angry at him at all, it's not like he wanted to die.
Plus that faggot kid that didn't wake him up has to live with the rest of his life that he could have saved him, but was an idiot and didn't.
I miss the times we did have together though, he was just at my house like 2 months before he died when we had our big karate get together.
He always had a weird sense of humour that he could make anyone laugh, but not laugh himself.
and I remember how him and Billy were the only two boys I would ever grapple with, cause with anyone else it would have been too weird.
or how we were on the 'demo team' together, and me him billy anthony and jonathon all thought we were the best and would always goof off just because we could.
Or how at first I was taller than him, and all of the other boys in karate, then every year they would start to catch up until that they were all taller - michael was tallest of course. He was so tall that all his karate pants were like floods haha. We used to make fun of him for it.
Whenever he talked he used to do this pase thing, well it was more like he couldn't stay in one spot while he talked.
I have pictures of him at my house from years ago, when we all got on my trampoline and you had so much fun on it.
If I had to pick one person that would have died this way, it wouldn't have been him. I know he went through some tough times during high school, but he was just so much better than that.
He was probably one of the nicest kids I had ever met.
His funeral was one of the worst days. He looked so fake, and it was just so weird to be beside him.
I kept trying to get him to come to our high school in grade 11, he said he was considering it, but never did. What if he did? Things could be totally different; he might still be alive.
But I guess you can't live on what if's your whole life, cause what happened has happened.
And I know its been over a year since it has happened, but it still bothers me.
I wish things didn't have to be that way though. It's tough. I can't even imagine what it would STILL be like for his family and his best friends.
Maybe I drag things on too long, I tend to do that. I can't seem to ever let things go.
and then I just keep making myself upset when I don't even need to be. But it's hard when other people pass away, because it just brings up when he died.
bahh.
it sucks.
I seriously never use this anymore
I sometimes forget I even have it.
but whatever.
I just hate her.
and I hate how you think everything is 'okay' about it
and how we just had this talk like 2 weeks ago and we agreed on it
and then today you just turn right back around and tell me not to worry about it
NEWS FLASH, I do worry. I'm probably the biggest worrier ever. So don't tell me not to, cause you know I will.
and you need to understand that IT BOTHERS ME. seriously, it fucking pisses me off and it bothers me. I don't like it at all, and you don't seem to fully understand it.
you don't understand where I'm coming from, probably cause you're the one that did it, nooot me.
so when I get mad, don't get mad at me. you were the one that fucked up. I didn't do ANYTHING to you.
I want you to say sorry every time it comes up. I don't care how many times you would say it, I wouldn't get sick of it. Cause then I would still remember how truley sorry you actually are.
And I'm GLAD she's moving away. I can't wait. But watch that falls through too, cause it had before. She needs to fucking leave this place, and moving to another country is just a bonus.
then maybe I won't worry anymore.
I get upset about it more then you actually know.
but whatever, 'it'll be fine', right?
why does it seem to never leave my mind.
I mean, technically it does
I don't ACTUALLY think about it 24 hours, 7 days a week.
but it does constantly come up in my mind.
we don't even need to be talking about her
and the hate I feel towards her will just appear.
she was supposed to move away months ago,
I wish she did.
but it's almost like I put ALL the blame on her
cause I don't want to put it on him.
even though its just as much his fault as it is hers.
maybe I'm just trying to avoid the whole situation.
I wish I didn't think about it anymore, but that's not going to happen.
but then other times, we're awesome. and I do love him.
more than anything. which is exactly why it is so hard to deal with.
and just like everyone else, school is so stressful.
I know I need to good, and hand in all of my work.
but do I? no. Cause I'm too damn lazy.
I wish I was just naturally a 90's student. I don't want to work for it.
I'm screwed for next year.
and kay. we need to almost put aside a day. I was remembering how in the summer, us three were inseperable. I miss that.
I'm in a downer mood, and I really don't know why.
"cause when push comes to shove
you taste what you're made of
you might bend til you break
cause it's all you can take
on your knees you look up
decide you've had enough
you get mad, you get strong
wipe your hands, shake it off
then you stand."
"As I'm standing over your grave
And I know I'll never hear your voice again
Why did you leave me
Why couldn't you just stay?"
"You should've said no, you should've gone home
you should've thought twice before you let it all go
you should've known that word, bout what you did with her
would get back to me...
and I should've been there, in the back of your mind
and I shouldn't be asking myself why"
"Will you ever shut up...
Give up the grudge
shut your fucking mouth
why you gotta judge everybody but yourself
take a look around you there ain't nobody home
I may be a loser but at least I'm not alone"
"who's to say we won't stay together
who's to say we aren't getting stronger
who's to say I can't live without you
who are they anyway?
they don't know."
"and I want to believe you
when you tell me that it'll be okay...
I don't know how I feel,
tomorrow,
and I don't know what to say,
tomorrow is a different day."
you just don't get it.
and you seem to be the only one.
It's kinda funny how you're a huge hypocrite.
and I hate how we never hang out. But it seems like you never have time for us anymore, cool.
and I hate how the littlest thing that is said brings up the events of the past two weeks.
and I hate how it still bothers me, but even more I hate that he did it.
I hate that fucking girl. I want to grab her by her gross mullet hair and punch her in her boy face.
then that would satisfy me.
and I hate how my work is so friggin uptight about everything now. seriously, it's frickin' mcdonalds.
and I wish I was like, 6 again.
That'd be awesome.
I don't know what to do.
and those girls are fucking bitches
and should fall off the face of this earth.
that'd be super, thanks.
I'm more scared then ever to get into a car now.
actually, no.
not as scared as I was after the accident.
but it comes close.
cherise died in a crash,
and those 4 boys died in a crash,
one which ended up in a coma. if he wakes up, how is he ever going to cope that he was the only one that lived.
I couldn't even imagine that feeling. it's just horrible.
Our parents can tell us time and time again to slow down,
or not to go out if the weather is bad.
but do we listen? not always.
it takes situations like these to make you realize that no, we arent invincible.
no one ever thinks that YOU can die. it can happen to others, but never to yourself.
but truth is, it can.
I couldn't imagine if that happened to one of my good friends.
I don't even know what I would do. I really don't.
I love my friends all so much, I hope you guys know that.
It's hard to see cherise's good friends suffering. But it's not even just her close friends that are feeling pain, it's almost all of our school community.
I cried a lot, and I had only spoken a few words to her before.
It's weird now that I look back to that moment of us talking, if only you could know what was going to happen to someone. I wish I could have told her not to get into the car that night.
but then again, it would have probably been one of the other girls in the car.
I know things are meant to happen. but young people dying just doesn't seem right.
And for Jacob, everyone has a lot of anger towards him. I bet he has ten times that anger towards himself. but as much as you hate him for killing cherise, you can't help but feel sorry for him in a way. they were in love, and now she's gone. and he's the one to blame. he has to live with that for the rest of his life, he'll never ever ever be the same.
we're taught to forgive, and I guess thats just what everyone is going to have to do, and hope that he gets through this. cause I could never in my life imagine losing someone I love so much like that.
it just makes you think. life really is too short.
this song was dedicated to cherise by some people.
"To everyone who's lost someone they love
Long before it was their time
You feel like the days you had were not enough
when you said goodbye
And to all of the people with burdens and pains
Keeping you back from your life
You believe that there's nothing and there is no one
Who can make it right
There is hope for the helpless
Rest for the weary
Love for the broken heart
There is grace and forgiveness
Mercy and healing
He'll meet you wherever you are
Cry out to Jesus, Cry out to Jesus
For the marriage that's struggling just to hang on
They lost all of their faith in love
They've done all they can to make it right again
Still it's not enough
For the ones who can't break the addictions and chains
You try to give up but you come back again
Just remember that you're not alone in your shame
And your suffering
When your lonely
And it feels like the whole world is falling on you
You just reach out, you just cry out to Jesus
Cry to Jesus
To the widow who suffers from being alone
Wiping the tears from her eyes
For the children around the world without a home
Say a prayer tonight"
R.I.P Cherise.
R.I.P those four boys.
& again, R.I.P Michael too. Miss you buddy.
sometimes, life just isn't fair.
I know everything happens for a reason,
I'm a strong believer in that.
But it hardly seems fair.
People shouldnt be able to die so young
they had so much more life to live,
so much more things they could have done for the world,
and now, they just can't.
It's over.
R.I.P Charise. I wish I could have gotten to know you.
and R.I.P Michael. I miss how you could always make me laugh, and I miss our times together.
bah.
I kind of forget about this thing sometimes.
I guess there's just not that much happening right now to write about.
I applied to university,
now I just need to finish everything else for it.
First step to growing up, uggggh.
I don't want to grow up, but in a way I can't wait til I'm 18.
Courtney, we need to hang out soon, it's been too long.
nails? yessss.
I'm sick.
I like how we can actually talk like friends now. Took a long time, but oh well. Things take time.
and I'm so in love with Brendan. Oh boy. New Years yards would have sucked without him.
happy birthday yesterday again rebecca.
Know what the best food is?
Peanut butter and jam sandwiches. seriously,
I love them.
mmmm.
kay pointless.
peeeeeace.
"shoe box of letters that I never sent"
I found one.
oh dear.
family christmas party tonight.
it's funny because out of my dads side
I was always the youngest
and we were all talking about how I'm going to university next year
and they all said it's weird
because they have always seen me as the 'baby'
and now I'm all grown up.
My cousins boyfriend looks so much like Cam from Cuba.
it's scary.
my ear, hurts like a mofo.
hah I havn't said mofo in years, anywayyy;
it does.
I got my tragus or something pierced, the flappy thingy beside your ear hole, that.
my brother did it for me. it's sweet, but right now it kills.
and serrrioooussssly; brendan makes me sooo freakin happy.
ilovehim. yay.
nvkndifnfdlk jgndsl gnlfg mlf m dmvf damnkfv dalknvf lf mdslds
that's how I feel right now.
ugh.
seriously,
fuck our school,
and the stupid retarded people in it.
like people need to grow the fuck up
and stop trying to kill us all.
even if it was just a joke,
get real. it's not funny.
and the fire,
like what the shit?
you think that's a cool thing to do?
cause you are very wrong.
Our school is just getting worse and worse with every week.
I'm bored of school, and I don't want to grow up.
uggh.
cool how I don't even feel safe going to school anymore;
sweeeeeet.
Every year your persepective of things change.
It's kind of funny, because a year ago, this isn't how I felt at all.
I was bored on my spare one day,
so I was looking at old emails, when I came across some of them that you sent me, a long time ago.
Some made me laugh, and some I don't think I had a feeling towards them at all.
but it was weird to later go to karate that night and see you,
knowing that you arn't at all the person you used to be when you sent me those emails.
but you know, that's okay now.
I don't know if you read this, you used to, but I don't know if you do anymore. nor do I care.
but I really don't think I ever thanked you and meant it.
because even though you put me through hell,
and probably the worst experience of my life, by far.
I'm glad it happened.
because now I look at where I stand in my life right now
and I'm perfectly happy. I really am.
A year ago I would have said I would always somewhat love you,
but like I said, not everything is the same a year later.
cause to tell you the truth, I don't.
I care yes, but love? no.
Sam and I were in a deep conversation, and that's what made me realize.
I always said everything happens for a reason, and it's true.
because now I have Brendan, who I am head over heels for.
but it's just funny;
how some people can change so much.
I don't know why I'm even writing this, more for myself I guess.
but yeh.
so that was kind of weird last night.
you need to know where to draw the line.
& you said you were sorry.
So you know what you did wrong,
but seriously. man.
& helen;
thanks for coming with me last night,
I know you didn't have to but you did.
and about the whole university thing I wrote yesterday,
the whole leaving friends thing,
will be even harder if it's you.
If we both have to go our seperate ways,
I think that will be the hardest of all.
because these past 4 years, we have been best friends
and sure we have our times where we roll our eyes at each other
and think that the other is being stupid,
but we've never had a fight where the other is really mad
or completely ignores the other one.
it just doesn't happen.
you're the first one I call when anything is wrong,
and we pretty much know each other like the backs of our hands.
so thanks, cause I don't think I say enough
how you really are my best friend.
and thanks for everything,
from just coming to that party with me last night,
to coming over to my house on your birthday when jesse broke up with me to cry with me.
I love you best buddy. ha.
so I've realized I don't want to grow up.
It's too much pressure.
I don't want to think about university, not because I don't want to get out of highschool, not that I don't want to live by myself,
I want both those real bad.
I want to be able to stay out real late and not have to come home worrying about my parents being pissed off at me,
I want to get out of the whole highschool thing,
cause after 4 years its just boring.
like wearing uniforms didn't bother me at all, I liked them up until this year, but now it's just repeditive. You just wear the same thing over and over and over again. You try and get new belts and stuff, just to mix it up a little bit.
and this whole PSU thing. last year I loved it. I loved standing up there and running all those things,
but now it's just a bug. I want to sit on the bleachers and actually ENJOY a spirt assembly, instead of having to be stressed making sure it runs good.
but back to the whole university thing. I'm excited to have my own room in residence and stuff, but for some reason whenever my parents or anyone really brings up university,
I tend to tune them out and change the subject. which probably is what I shooouldnt be doing right now. since applications should be done by the christmas break.
when I really think about it, it's how I don't want to have to choose my whole future when I'm only freakin 17.
It's how I don't want to leave some of my best friends. How we can go from seeing each other every day at school, to hanging out after school, to hanging out pretty much every weekend, to only seeing each other on holidays.
I know we'll all meet a whole new group of friends and become real close with them,
but that doesnt even make up for the years you spent with your highschool ones. your highschool friends have seen you change so much, cause I think during those 4 years, thats when you change your looks, your morals, your personality. everything.
and it makes me sad to think, well to KNOW, that half of us, are going to go our seperate ways, and just drift. We won't see each other like we used to, we won't talk like we used to. As much as no one wants that to happen, in reality, it will. We all know it.
It also blows because I'm going to be in such debt. Univeristy is so damn expensive.
that is if I even get in. My marks arn't the highest right now. so maybe I'm worrying about nothing.
and I know it's a long ways away. but what if I'm still with brendan when that happens. he's staying here. and it's not like I'm going to come back home every weekend or anything.
but it's not even him. its everyone thats in a relationship. long distance sucks, I don't think there's one plus about having a long distance relationship. and a lot of people fall apart when the other moves away. bahh.
like my mom just came into this room a few minutes ago and wanted to talk about univeristies. I just ignored her.
I don't want to think about it.
Ugh.
I’m through with standing in line
to clubs we’ll never get in
it’s like the bottom of the ninth
and I’m never gonna win
this life hasn’t turned out
quite the way I want it to be
I want a brand new house
on an episode of Cribs
and a bathroom I can play baseball in
and a king size tub big enough
for ten plus me
I’ll need a credit card that’s got no limit
and a big black jet with a bedroom in it
gonna join the mile high club
at thirty-seven thousand feet
I want a new tour bus full of old guitars
my own star on Hollywood Boulevard
somewhere between Cher and
James Dean is fine for me
I’m gonna trade this life for fortune and fame
I’d even cut my hair and change my name
I wanna be great like Elvis without the tassels
hire eight body guards that love to beat up assholes
sign a couple autographs
so I can eat my meals for free
I think I’m gonna dress my ass
with the latest fashion
get a front door key to the Playboy mansion
gonna date a centerfold that loves to
blow my money for me
I’m gonna trade this life
for fortune and fame
I’d even cut my hair
and change my name
I’m gonna sing those songs
that offend the censors
gonna pop my pills
from a pez dispenser
when they ask why I drink all day
I’ll say because I can
I’ll get washed-up singers writing all my songs
lip sync em every night so I don’t get ‘em wrong
then listen to the fans tell me how damn good I am
I’m gonna trade this life for fortune and fame
I’d even cut my hair and change my name
Cause we all just wanna be big rockstars
and live in hillltop houses driving fifteen cars
the girls come easy and the drugs come cheap
we’ll all stay skinny ‘cause we just won’t eat
and we’ll hang out in the coolest bars
in the VIP with the movie stars
every good gold digger’s gonna wind up there
every playboy bunny with her bleach blond hair
and we’ll hide out in the private rooms
with the latest dictionary and today’s who’s who
they’ll get you anything with that evil smile
everybody’s got a drug dealer on speed dial
hey hey I wanna be a rockstar
Seriously,
there's nothing to even write about anymore.
cause there's nothing to complain about
and thats usually what I use this thing for.
my parents could stop being assholes sometimes,
thatd be super.
but other then that stuff is awesome.
I loveeee him.
he makes me so freakin' happy.
& I looveee my friends too, we're so funny.
Oh, well school is kinda stressful.
with the whole university thingg and all,
I need to stop slacking.
yeeeeeeeeeeeh.
so;
I'm agreeing with courtney here
and saying that I love life.
Really, right now I have nothing to complain about.
I loooove my friends to death,
and I have an amazing boyfriend who I'm falling completely head over heals for, as corny as that sounds,
and school is good,
and work is good,
and just stuff, is good.
yuuuus 
♥
it's about friggin time.
it's only been like forever since this thing has been down hah.
anyyywaaayyyy
things have been alright.
past couple days not so good actually.
got thinking about michael and other stuff & it made me really upset
went to school, was upset, had a bad day.
I don't know, just not good.
but other then that it's alright.
my flag football team has made it on in the playoffs, yuus.
things with brendan are awesome, so thats good too
cept I'm going to fight that girl,
well not really. buuuut I would like to.
but I talked to him about how it bothers me that they hang out
it's alright that they hang out sometimes, cause whatever they're friends,
but when it's all the time, that bothers me.
whatever.
it's all good.
Girls are bitches.
not all of them;
but a lot of them.
Ugh.
& deep inside it bugs me their still close
because you never know what can happen again
and the fact that shes a huge bitch.
gay.
sooooo;
this is pretty amazing.
he's pretty amazing.
it's cool.
I love flag football
well the games.
they're so fun.
and we won our first game
undefeated, yuuus. haha.
& courtney got me a manicure thing
so we're going together
and having some bonding time
shall be fun.
& that's about it. ha.
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