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forget, I'm not sure I could
So sometimes when you want to change your ways, the way that you change them can sometimes back fire. I used to tell everybody everything, well not everybody, but I didn't tend to keep things to myself. Then something happened and I said to myself I'm going to change that, and no bombard people with my problems or my life. So lately I have kept things to myself, how I feel, how I felt, how I wish things would stay the same, and how I wish I could go back.
It seemed to me at the time, and even now when I look back, it was perfect. Maybe we both didn't see it that way, but as far as i'm concerned, I do. It really was, to me. I didn't have any doubts and thought it would last, but I guess nothing is perfect eh? Like I'm over it, or at least thats what I keep telling myself, in the back of mind it's always there. Maybe it always will be, or maybe just until I fall in love again, becase I think thats just how my mind works, it wants love back so bad, that until it happens, I'm going to keep randomly having little flashbacks like I did today. I bring them upon myself, I admit. but sometimes you just come across things that remind you, and then your mind goes running wild. But then it got me thinking, how you give your heart to someone, completely letting them break it if they want to, telling them everything, and then for some reason, that has been and always will be unknown to you, something just, changes, for no reason that anyone can really explain. You changed, they changed. It just wasnt right anymore and thats what makes it worse, is that you thought it was "perfect". and then your left with that feeling of not knowing what to do. You feel so lost, so confused. You so badly want it to be fixed, and you wish you were dreaming, because this couldn't be happening to you. But then, it hits you. It is. Then you go through the whole, not being able to concentrate because all you think about is what you did wrong and you cry so much it feels like you wont have any tears left if you cry anymore. Its then you realize the worst feeling in the world, is knowing that you are so in love with that person, and they just don't love you back, and there is just nothing you can do about it. Nothing. It gets easier, it does. Like an old photograph, time can make a feeling fade, but the memory of your first love, never fades away.
Maybe I've just been trying to mend a broken heart for all this time.
It's healing, I know it is. It just takes some time. 7 months? mm not quite. I get my moments. My moments where for weeks I don't even think about it at all. Then my moments where it seems for the whole day it's always on my mind.
Sometimes, you just go back. Well, I do. Back to the way it was, back to when life was simple, and you also think about all the what-ifs. but what if's don't do anybody any good. You think about how if you were still together, would it be the same? but obviously not, because no, you have changed. Then you also realize, that everything is meant to be. And that where you are today, wouldnt be if the past 7 months hadn't happened, and you wernt meant to be with that person anymore, you are meant to be where you are today. and then you are able to grasp onto the fact that everything will turn out okay, and that this is how it is supposed to be, and then it sinks in.
last modified Apr 11, 2006 at 20:42
Julie, that fight we had wasnt just about you telling me too much, u need to tell ppl stuff you cant keep things bottled up inside and then let it out randomly..trust me I know (from experience) but really you know if you need to talk, I'm ALWAYS here and soo are all your other friends..and u CAN tell us when good stuff is happening too not just the bad <3
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