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julie.
when you're older you will understand.
last modified Jan 23, 2008 at 21:56
"I am here
you don't have to worry
I can see your tears
I'll be there in a hurry when you call
friends are there to catch you when you fall
here's my shoulder;
you can lean on me."
I've just been staring at this, wondering how to start what I'm gonna say. I'm in another situation? Sort of.
I don't know. I thought I/everything was fine, but apparently, I'm and everything isnt. Maybe I do need someone, or think I need someone.
well no, not even. In my head, I know I don't need someone. Yes, I like having an 'other', I like the whole boyfriend thing, I'm not gonna lie. But I don't think I think I need someone. If that makes any sense.
Things just happen, and people just come along. I don't choose to be interested in someone on purpose. & when I get to know them, it doesn't always mean I'm going to want something with them, or even like them, cause that's happened.
I can't say my side, because I dont know how to put it in words.
But I just know what I'm looking for. And in order to find that, you have to get to know people. I'm young, I know. I'm not expecting to find my 'one and only', but if maybe, ah I don't know.
It's hard, & I can't explain it.
but really guys, don't worry about me.
again I've been staring trying to figure out how to say this next part. It just seems like, I honestly, havn't been TRUELY happy, for almost six months, with maybe a couple of exceptions. It's weird what one thing can do to you, and how it can affect you for so long. get over it julie. well, I am over it. in a way. No one reeeeaaallly understands what I went through and am going through, just cause no one has been in that situation before, and its hard, cause I can't even explain.
You know those emotions where you can't really tell what they mean? like that. and maybe thats one of the reasons, maybe I just want to try and find happiness again for something I lost.
I don't knoooow.
& one of my best friends is pretty depressed right now, yet she wont tell any of us. We found some stuff out, but she still says there's stuff she keeps in. I'm worried about her.
I love my friends.
Sometimes, I honestly don't know what I would do without helen, amanda & katie.
They are always there for me to listen to my pathetic life,
and visa versa.
It's just how we do. When ever one of us needs to talk,
we all talk about it. Help each other out, give advice, etc.
Like when we had our girls night on friday..
Amanda said, whatever you do, we're gonna support you and be behind you 100%, no matter what.
We have the best time together ever,
so many laughs.
I pretty much love going to school, cause they are there.
They make things fun.
& sometimes, helen knows me better then I know myself.
I dont even need to tell her, and she already knows.
but I guess thats just what best friends do ehh.
I looovee themm. <33
So it's done.
but it's okay.
We're friends,
and at first he was like;
it's gonna be awkward and stuff,
& I was like beeelieeve me, I know.
but then him & helen had a long talk,
and then he said, he's not mad at me for it,
and we're still gonna be friends.
& he told me that too.
which is good, cause I didn't want us to stop talking,
that happened once,
I dont want it to happen again.
so phewwww. that's done with now.
one down...234679 things left to go
Ohhhh boy;
so I don't even know.
I talked to him...
but we're still kinda..iffy.
I'm not sure what I want right now.
& he cant wait for me,
cause that's nooot fair to him. at all.
I don't even remember what its like to be single anymore.
Its like, I was in a relationship so in love, then heartbroken, then back into one again
maybe I rushed.
But then again, after going out for someone for so long, you sorta feel lost not having someone anymore,
but now that time has gone by,
I want that single life.
maybe? maybe I don't. Ah, I don't know.
I hate emotions, they're stupid.
so I'm so stressed out with karate right now.
I have to start going to boot camps every saturday mornings from 7-9 in the morning.
and like I said, I doooon't want to go.
I have no desire to go to classes, nevermind boot camp.
But if I don't go, then I don't get my 2nd degree.
And I've been there for a while now, I've put in the time to go.
and when I said I've had to work, he tells me to tell them I can't.
I don't work this saturday, but we want to have a girls night friday night, which means I would have to leave at like 6-6:30.
And I work until 10 friday night. So that freaking sucks.
And I could not go this weekend and say I'll go next weekend,
but what if I actually am schedualed to work next weekend.
And I wouldnt be able to change it cause I'm supposed to work graveyards next weekend, and they're changing that for me.
And I would change schools, but that would be kind of silly.
It'd be like I went there for nothing.
UGH.
whatever;
I don't want to go.
I wish I could just sleep for like a month or two, and then wake up, and everything just be figured out for me.
That would make my life so much easier.
but stuff doesn't happen like that.
So I hate how you're mind and you're heart don't agree.
In my mind I want this.
But in my heart, I dont think so.
But I don't even know.
and now I have to do bootcamp saturday mornings.
like I haaave to.
Mr. Lewis is getting mad at me
but I really just doooon't want to go at all.
Like its pissing me off just thinking about going
bahhumbug.
valentines day.
ohh boy.
i hate this holiday.
its for the media, and its way waaay over rated.
and for singles it makes you feel like crap,
for guys its too much pressure,
and for girls they have no clue what to get guys cause its a girls holiday.
but i can't complain.
silvano did the cutest thing for me.
yay for flowers.
so maybe i dont haaate it.
but i still dont like it. at all.
pft.
Someone wrote something in their blog about emotions, and not knowing what they mean. I can't remember who it was, but right now, I feel that way. Like, towards a person, its not anything...actually, I don't even know how to start it off. I don't know what I feel for them anymore. Obviously something, cause it will just always be that way, but I don't know if there's still anger, frustration, love, jealousy, or friendship. I just don't know how I feel towards them at all anymore. Its mixed up and I can't even explain it. Or even like love. I was in love once. But to fall in love over again. It sorta just happened before. At the beginning of love, how can you tell if you actually fell in love, or if its just strong lust. I should know, cause I was once in love right. But I don't really remember what it felt like to first fall in love, I just really remember the part of being soo in love. Hmm.
& okay so maybe it wasn't as bad as I said.
Brittany stayed in religion.
Gym isn't as bad as I thought it would be.
Now a religion class got switched to my lunch, so Amanda, Katie, & Andrea are on it too.
And co-op seems pretty good.
but now I feel bad for Helen. cause now she's all by herself.
man that was like me last year. the worst.
And also. I'm over things now. Like we were talking yesterday about stuff that we went through together, about new significant others and stuff, and I was totally fine. But still, I can't help but hate the karate atmosphere. I hate it because everytime I go there, it brings back memories. It reminds me of how things used to be. The people, the place. It replays in my mind everytime I see him. And when we do drills or something, I just wonder where the eff we went wrong. & then people are like "you never go anymore", yeh well thats why. But I have to make myself go more, because yeh, I am over it.
And its one month now. hah yay. 
New semester.
It sucks.
first, I have religion. In a portable.
There's a couple of people I talk to in there,
but when it comes to partner work in that class,
I probably wont have one cause everyone is better friends with someone else then with me,
ugh.
second, I have gym.
With Katie, Meg and Tyler. Thats pretty much it.
And when Katie and Meg get together they seem to have their own fun
so I'll pretty much be with Tyler.
then I have A lunch.
Thatd be sweet, if maybe I had some people on it with me.
I have Sam, Silvano and Kyle.
Thats it.
At least I have them though.
Then I have co-op.
With Sam. And this guy in grade 12 who I used to hate,
he's annoying, but I'll talk to him.
But that doesnt really matter much, cause I'll hardly be in class anyways,
only for the first two weeks.
The actual class subjects are so sweet. I'll only have one exam.
But the people in them suck.
And my lunch sucks.
But at least I'll be with Silvano,
so thats cool.
I hate school.
okay so I'm in this situation & I don't even know how to explain it.
Its like...how do you know if your good for that person.
Not good as in suitable, good as in, good enough.
Or if you think, maybe they deserve better than you.
Because obviously you went wrong somewhere before,
who's to say you wont do it again?
Before, I used to think that neither of us were better than each other,
there was no reason to feel not good enough.
But now, with this new thing, I don't even know.
Its not the whole whether I like him or not
cause clearly I do. A lot.
It's just like, everybody likes him. Thinks he's the nicest guy,
funny, etc.
Nothings wrong with that. At all.
But I dont even knoooow what I'm trying to say.
Like I can think it, but putting it into words I just can't do.
Im pretty much just thinking,
I don't know if I'm good enough anymore.
Which probably sounds stupid, but like I said, thats not even it.
Its way more I just can't even explain it.
But whatever.
I guess I just need to be told from him,
which wont happen, cause he doesnt read this thing
which is probably is good.
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