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julie.
when you're older you will understand.
last modified Jan 23, 2008 at 21:56
"Forgive, sounds good
Forget, I'm not sure I could
They say time heals everything
But I’m still waiting
I'm through with doubt
There's nothing left for me to figure out
I've paid a price
And I'll keep paying
I'm not ready to make nice
I'm not ready to back down
I'm still mad as hell and
I don’t have time to go round and round and round
It's too late to make it right
I probably wouldn’t if I could
‘Cause I’m mad as hell
Can’t bring myself to do what it is you think I should
I know you said
Can’t you just get over it
It turned my whole world around
And I kind of like it."
Oh boy.
so I'm trying to not let things get to me.
But seriously;
sometimes I really do wish I was back in grade one.
I went to co-op today,
and this little boy came up from behind me and was like,
"Ms. Lavenderrrr"
and I turned around and he had tears in his eyes and his lips were quivering,
and I was like "aw Michael whats wrong?"
and he's like..... "I bit my toounge".
It was so cute. hah.
then yesterday he smacked his knee off the ground,
and he had tears in his eyes again,
and I was like "Ohh I know, I'll make it better"
and I put my hand over his knee, then I'm like, "there, better?"
and he's like "yep" and gets up and runs away.
hah. I loooove co-op <3
I definately want to be a teacher.
& other stuff is good too.
I'm definately liking this.
I was thinking when I was driving with him tonight,
about how before it was sort of like this,
well. sort of.
but it could have been. but just wasn't,
and neither of us got over each other.
and now we're here.
I don't know. I'm starting to really, really like him.
I just don't want to get hurt again.
But life is about taking chances right? right.
So am I like the person to be mad at now-a-days?
seems like it.
either that or the person to be talking about.
People I don't even know are talking about me,
and saying stuff that isnt even true.
oh boy I love it. I love drama.
not. I friggin hate it and its so stupid.
I hate how people fight over the tiniest things.
Like we'll look back on the tiny fights you get into,
and you probably wont even remember half of them,
but at the time they stressed you out and made you frustrated or upset.
..and so that was really weird.
kind of made stuff flash before me again.
almost like it felt weird not saying something to you.
Not going to karate again tonight,
oh good.
Oh well, I'm gonna go downstairs and run soon,
or maybe I'll go outside, since its so nice out.
but probably not.
In a way though, stuff just feels so right.
But then I think about other stuff and it just feels so wrong.
This song is a good dance song.
I feel like a zerhs donut.
but on the plus side, I am getting my hair cut tomorrow.
woohoo.
oooh boy.
just when I think things are looking up,
they come crashing down again.
have I changed?
I didn't think I did, but apparently,
I have.
I don't like this, I don't like this one bit.
and maybe I have been a bitch about this whole thing,
well not maybe,
I have.
I can't assume someone to be over something,
when it took me forever to be over something before.
I can't get mad because he's mad at me.
I wanted us to be friends,
and I think thats what made me mad,
because it didn't happen.
oh boy.
things are looking up,
cool eh?
I thought so.
what are we though,
I pretty much wish I knew,
but for now, this is good.
woo. 
I realized,
that in grade one, you are so care free.
like, you don't care what others think about you,
and if someone does something to make you mad,
5 mins later you're talking again.
The simplest things get them so excited.
They bring in a little doll or something for show and tell,
and they all are so interested in it,
even if someone has brought the same thing before.
They participate in everything,
and they always want to be the first to answer.
It's cute. I like doing co-op there.
It definately makes the day go by so fast.
I need a hair cut.
So I don't know,
I sorta just told myself not to worry about it too much,
and it seems to be working.
These past two days have been good.
Time will make it better.
and stuff is still cool,
even if other people don't really think so.
Actually stuff is really cool.
I don't know, I kinda find this whole situation funny,
cause its like its been there all long,
we just didn't do anything about it until now.
Yeh, we'll see how everything turns out.
I want to have this bullshit drama out of my life.
I want to be single and not involed in anything.
I want to be in love.
I want that guy that makes me fall totally head over heals.
I want to be happy.
I want to stop pretending I'm happy.
I want everything to back the way it was.
I wish these past 6 months never happened.
I want a guy "my type" to come along.
I want to have no doubts.
I want my heart to be unbroken.
I want to stop crying.
I want it to be summer.
I want to stay home from school tomorrow.
I want to be friends with Silvano.
I want to be loved again.
I want a hug.
I want to fall asleep and wake up in 5 months.
I want everything to be figured out.
I want to be truely happy again.
I want him to realze he made a mistake.
I want to not be depressed. I'm tired of it.
But I guess we can't all get what we want, right?
Screw up?
Yes.
Feel awful?
Yep.
Just want to break down?
Yep;
oh wait, already did that.
Ugh. Sometimes,
I just hate everything.
Me & Krista went out last night,
and I spilled everything to her.
Me and her don't get to talk too often,
so it was good.
But I just, I dont know what to do.
This sucks majorly,
I keep thinking about it,
and I just can't think of what to do to make it better,
but really, I guess there isnt anything,
only time.
Then hopefully he'll sort of get past it,
hopefully.
Ugh.
& also.
I know what I want, well I think I do.
but I realized,
that no one seems good enough to me,
because no one is like, well you know.
just because that was what I was used to,
so their either not good enough,
or too good.
I'm honestly just taking a break from everything,
and everyone.
this just stresses me too much,
and I can't take it anymore,
because as it turns out,
it always just screws me over in the end anyways.
sweet.
I went to the Brad Paisley concert,
it was pretty excellent.
Me mom, Helen & I stayed at a hotel.
We went shopping. I bought new sunglasses.
& this lady re-shaped my cowboy hat,
so now it looks 10x better.
Me & Helen got ice from every floor that had an ice machine on it,
so it was like 9 floors,
& we wondered the hotel at like 12 taking random pictures,
yeh we're cool.
That concert was so stero-typical though,
kinda funny.
But over all it was a cool two days of march break,
it's no Cuba,
but we're saving up for next year, and we're going somewhere hot,
for sure.
Cause I definately miss going away away, it was so fun,
so next year, with Katie and Amanda too,
so us 4 will have a cool girls vacation.
Sounds good to me.
Well, the date is definately march 13th,
and you know what that means,
its the day after me and katie were together (L)
well, it is now.
sweeeeet.
"I could walk right by your picture in a frame;
and not feel a thing
but when I hear your name..
I feel rain fallin' right out of the blue sky
and it's the 5th of May and I'm right there staring in your eyes
and nothing's changed, we're still the same,
and I get lost in the innocence of a first kiss
and I'm hanging on to every word rolling off of your lips
and that's all it takes, and I'm in that place;
Everytime I hear your name
I get caught in the "you were the only one for me"
kinda thought,
and your face is all that I see
I know I can't go back, but I still go back
And there we are, parked down by the riverside
And I'm in your arms,
And that's all it takes, and I'm in that place
Everytime I hear your name"
I hate this feeling
of not knowing if I should say something or not;
fear of rejection?
yes.
But who doesn't have a fear of rejection, right?
I'm pretty sure everyone,
and if not, you are super lucky.
I really shouldnt be tho,
what could possibly happen?
I want to,
I do. I just..can't.
Mmm, whatever.
So far, it has been pretty excellent.
and thats all that matters.
you know what would be so sweet?
if our world actually had real super heros.
I was watching Spiderman cause I've been sick.
Sunday the toilet was pretty much my best friend.
but anyways, so yeh, I was watching it
and we're all so used to just seeing things like that on Tv
how cool would it be if our world was actually like that?
If there was actually some guy, or guysss, that could actually save people from all the bad stuff.
I say that would def be sick.
The word love is thrown around too much.
You say you love things such as your parents & friends to things such as food & activities.
Grade one's tell their boyfriend or girlfriend that they love them;
grade ten's tell their boyfriend or girlfriend that they love them;
and they've only been going out for like a month.
I don't know. I guess cause once you actually have been in love,
you don't get how you can just tell someone you barely know,
'I love you'.
It's almost like we need a new word for those who actually mean it.
But then that word would just get thrown around too.
Mmm yeh. But things have been good lately.
I've made myself realize something,
that I should have realized a long, long time ago.
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