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julie.
when you're older you will understand.
last modified Jan 23, 2008 at 21:56
I really don't have that much exciting news.
kinda the same thing happening.
work, hanging out, more work.
went to the movies with my favourite people;
courtney and helen yesterday.
we saw "john tucker must die". pretttty good.
kind of a mean concept though,
but at the same time,
I wish I would have thought something like that. ha.
Saw Amanda & Kyle there too.
A little awkward, I'm not going to lie.
Its like thats the only time we actually see her,
and it was accidental. whatever.
I kinda broke it to some boy that long distance things don't work for me.
Feel bad, but nothing I can do.
I'm hanging out with another boy soon.
Cause you wanted to know.
& helen tonight.
Maybe I'll convince her to go to come to walmart
so I can pick up "she's the man" cause I'm obsessed with that movie.
I love it.
Stopped by a friends from works party last night too.
parties really arn't my 'scene'. but I stopped by cause people wanted me to.
I don't have a problem with people drinking and stuff;
but I just look at them and laugh when they get soo drunk
that they can't even stand up & feel the need to drink every weekend like that.
gay.
I hate when people lie.
If people havnt realized it by now, it doesnt do any good for you at all.
only makes it 10 times worse, cause it comes around sometime.
I'm kind of a hypocrite because I lied that day going to p. sound;
but I don't lie my way through everything.
Wake up people.
I love how I'm at work 24/7. not.
This job has only made realize that people are so dumb.
they get mad at the stupidest things.
Come onnnn.
but cheeeea.
that'll probably cover it for the next week.
oh, PS - I don't get you two.
I forgot how much I love karate, well, sparring.
I went tonight for the first time in what?
oh, a month maybe?
& the only reason I went was because I had nothing better to do.
and thats sad. because before it used to be something I couldn't wait to go to.
maybe cause I've been doing it for so long?
but then again, people have been doing it 10 times longer then me and are still going with it.
I think it's because of that whole 'situation' that happened far back, and ever since then I've had no motivation to go.
maybe I just need something new? possibly.
but then I'd be the 'new kid' again. but that might be fun.
it's a possibility.
but anyway. all that put aside, when I'm not fooling around
and am ACTUALLY sparing, I love it.
& it's something that I'm actually really good at when I try.
pretty much just let your anger out for the past month on someone, but they would never even know.
overall, its cool.
my whiplash has gone down.
my back hurts right now cause of karate, but it'll be okay.
don't worry.
thats it. thats all.
oh p.s - I miss courtney =(
So I went to Michaels viewing yesterday;
as I was walking in, a couple of my friends were walking out crying,
so that made me cry. I gave them all hugs and went in.
I saw Sam and she turned to me and was like,
"I just want to go over there and tell him to wake up".
honestly, he looked so fake. just cause of all the makeup and stuff.
I couldn't look at him for more then a couple seconds at a time
cause I just felt like he would roll over and wake up.
I wish. It's not fair.
I was walking out of the room, and I wasn't crying anymore,
but I looked over and saw David, Matt & Duane all sitting on this bench in a row, all with their heads in their hands.
that I think was the part that upset me the most.
I've never seen them that sad, and they looked at me and ugh.
it was the worst. I gave each one of them a good long hug.
it doesnt feel right going to a guy whos the same ages funeral.
these past couple days have been stressful.
so I've been acting differently, just because of all this stress.
well more like, sadness. so I'm sorry if I've been acting weird to you.
Went back to work for the first time in a week and a bit.
it was good. cept all the guys in the back pick on me. ALL of them.
but Brendan gave me a hug cause he felt bad for me. hah.
oooh boy.
Next week I'm allowed to actually go OUT. yuuusssss.
You kind of go into a state of shock when you hear something like that;
Michael Gilligan died.
Michael and I used to be good friends; we went to the same elementry school and did karate together.
He was just at my house a few of months ago.
Sam told me yesterday, after it happened.
Apparently he overdosed on drugs. and it's so weird too cause Michael was just one of those people you thought would take a different path then that one.
He was so nice and funny; he could have done so much better for himself.
He was at his friends house when it happened, and he couldn't wake him, but he didn't do or say anything about it until Michaels mom came to pick him later in the afternoon. He could still be alive. Like the kid who's house he was at, Pat Baglen or whatever. Anyone who knows him will know. Like that kid is so fucking STUPID. Like, I hope he feels terrible that he didn't say anything about that, he freakin could be alive still. Omg.
When I got told, I couldn't believe it.
Like, I was told he was dead, but you know when you just can't believe it actually happened. Not to anyone you would know. But it did.
I don't think its hit me yet. Until I actually go to the funeral, and see him there. He was only 17.
Seventeen. I don't know what to say, because he was so young. I've had people die that I've known, but they were all older and/or sick. Young people arnt supposed to die. Not yet.
In a way I'm mad, cause HE overdosed. But like, you can't be mad at someone that's dead right?
I don't even know how I feel.
This week has been shit. Nothing is going right.
Rest in peace Michael Gilligan. =(
We're all slowly recovering; physically and emotionally.
I couldn't move on friday; my dad had to actually pick me up so that I could get out of my bed.
Horrible. It got better, but for some reason today, it hurts again.
So I'm going to the doctors later. ick.
Courtneys better, Sam & Katie are good too I think.
Poor Helen. She has to take like 10 million drugs per day for her ribs.
The whole thing is kind of a big joke, well, a serious joke.
Like me courtney and helen wanted to go for a walk yesterday, but we had to call our parents to make sure it was okay that we left the house.
It's like we're five. But we'll deal with it. We just laugh about it now. It's good because we ALL have to do it, if not, then I'd feel like a huge loser.
I love those two. & if you've read comments from 2 posts ago, you could tell. We're closer then close right now, and its sweeet. Definately my bestest friends.
When we were driving to my trailer on the weekend, I was so paranoid. On the highway my dad would put on the brakes or something and I would tense up.
It's scary. I drove for the first time since today, I'm definately more aware. I only drove in stroud though, I'm too scared to drive a lot right now.
Ohhhhh boy.
There's some things that I regret,
Some words I wish had gone unsaid,
Some starts, that had some better endings.
Been some bad times I've been through,
Damage I cannot undo,
Some things I wish I could do all all over again.
But it don't really matter, life gets that much harder
It makes you that much stronger.
Some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were, lessons learned.
There's mistakes that I have made,
Some chances I just threw away,
Some roads I never should've taken,
Been some signs I didn't see,
Hearts that I hurt needlessly,
Some wounds that I wish I could have one more chance to mend.
But it don't make no difference,
The past can't be rewritten,
You get the life you're given,
some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were,
Lessons learned.
And every tear that had to fall from my eyes,
Everyday I wonder how I get through the night,
Every change, life has thrown me,
I'm thankful, for every break in my heart,
I'm grateful, for every scar
Some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned.
And all the things that break you,
All the things that make you strong,
You can't change the past cause it's gone,
And you just gotta move on,
Because they are gone,
Lessons learned.
I almost died.
& i'm not just doing that to get your attention;
I actually did.
It started on wednesday night when Katie, Helen, Courtney, Sam & I decided it would be fun to go to parry sound for the night.
but did we tell our parents? nope. We made up a whole plan to go there. Stupid. So stupid.
It was fine, the night there was fine. But on our way back,
Katie was driving. I was sleeping in the back cause I was tired.
Crazy thing is at first I didn't have my seat belt on because I was lying down. But then I thought, I probably should put it on just in case, no matter how uncomfortable it will be. So I did.
I was listening to my ipod and then all I heard was Sam & Helen yell "KATIE". She said she went and turned her head towards helen for a second, then the left side of the van hit the guard rail.
then all I know is I open my eyes and my feet are up in the air, my ipod came unplugged, I heard the tires screeeching. I was just yelling OH MY GOD and the others were screaming.
we flew across two lanes...and the right side of the van hit wooden posts. then we stopped. We made sure everyone was okay, which we were. We got out and all hugged each other, thankfull that we're all okay. We're lucky we didn't hit any cars when we flrew across the highway. The car was a total wreck. I looked at the wooden posts, we knocked down like 5.
scary thing is, on the other side of the wooden posts, was this big ditch almost. more like a hill. full of rocks. I honestly don't know how we didn't go down there.
The more I think about it, the more unclear it becomes to me. HOW did we stop in time. We were RIGHT there. We're soo lucky, you don't even know.
I remember when I opened my eyes at that point when we were flying across the thoughts, 'please don't die', 'please stop', and 'please dont roll over' came through my head. We all actually thought we were going to die. I've never been put into that situation before.
Scariest thing of my life. Now that I think about it, that trip to parrysound wasnt even worth it. Yeh we're in trouble, yeh we all have a bit of a punishment. But you know what? We're alive.
And I'd rather have a summer of being checked up on 24/7 and without a car for a little bit, then not being able to have a summer at all.
We're all sore. I can hardly move my neck, i have bruises, my back hurts and so does my wrist. Courtney is bruised and has a hurt shoulder. Helen I think got the worst. She has cuts from the seatbelt on her side, and ribs are sore. She has bruises all over. I'm not sure about Sam or Katie, havn't talked to them yet. But really, we're so lucky.
At times like these, I totally believe in God. Something made us not go down that hill. Its unbelieveable that we stopped.
but THANK GOD that we did. Thank God.
you know what's sad?
That a Spice Girls song
was on the "Retro Show".
Man, we're getting old apparently.
finally. frig. I hate when this goes down.
but anywho. So I have definatly been so busy lately.
Working and what not. Went up to parry sound for a night;
to see Joey and Tsang. Me helen sam and andrea went up.
We went boating and stuff, it was fun.
Then tsang and cory came up one night and we went to the movies.and then joey tsang and cory came up on friday for the night.
and me courtney and tsang were going to pull an all nighter;
but courtney fell asleep. So me and Tsang stayed up all night talking.
then at 4:30 thought it'd be fun to go to tim hortans, so me and him went there for like an hour. good times.
then just hanging out with helen and courtney and katie and them.
but. I hate when friends ditch you for their boyfriends.
Like I never did that, I don't understand why other people do.
I guess you live and learn, but still. come on.
me and him decided it was best to leave it be for the summer.
he's super busy with work, I'm super busy with work.
both out with friends and stuff a lot. so, we both agreed.
I can't believe its been so long.
Sometimes it seems as if it was only last month.
*siiiigh.*
Ugh.
So fucking pissed and this is so gay.
Like I didn't even want to come home tonight.
So I went to Sams instead of going home at first.
But like fuck. "Inappropriate". Please.
I just hate how my mom's changing her mind;
after she already gave me an answer.
My goodness.
This is gay.
& I love how I put on this song;
realized what the lyrics actually said
and started crying on my way to Sams.
I hate that.
& here I go again. I always do this.
But it's probably cause of this whole gay situation.
Remeber when we went up to yours.
Do you not miss it. I don't fucking get it.
I don't fucking get you.
& I haaaate that too. They don't understand.
But do they even stop to even realize? Nope.
I guess I'm used to it now. I guess.
I have to work tomorrow,
but you know what. People I work with are my good friends.
I like being there,
because I have friends there that make me feel 10 times better.
Not that mine don't. But I'm just saying.
I want to yell & scream at you. I really do.
Then turn around and hug you. For about an hour.
But I'd probably end up slaping you or something.
So I won't.
Whatever.
"I only wanted your attention;
at least the hate is some connection."
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