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julie.
when you're older you will understand.
last modified Jan 23, 2008 at 21:56
some day I think I'm going to take the time to print out every entry I've put on this silly website. Because for a bit of my life, like 2 or 2 years ago, this was my only way about getting my feelings out, in my dramatic broken-hearted teenage state of mind.
I look at old posts, mainly when I went through the toughest time of my life so far, 'the breakup' and I kinda feel sorry for myself. I was so hurt, and I didn't have a clue about what to do about it or him, I was so lost.
I'd like to think I've come a long long way since then. It's been so long, but I still think about it all the time. I guess that's just how it's supposed to be...but I don't regret any of it.
I secretly look at my boyfriends ex girlfriends facebook page, which has links to youtube and some other blog site. I spent hours one night reading each and every single one of her blogs, just to see if I could find out if she said anything. About him, about me, about what happened behind closed doors, anything. I did, not a whole lot, but I did. And I went to the site looking for something to get angry at, because deep down inside that still hurts too. Even now, I still don't know how I didn't even see it, I was so blind because I only saw what I wanted to see, that, and I trusted him. I remember that day that he told me she slept over because of the fight with her mom. I was talking to him on the computer on my spare because he didn't go to school. I asked if they did anything, he said no, and I trusted him. I think even more so then the whole cheating part, it was the lying...because he kept lying about it, week after week. Why was I so stupid? As if I'm STILL talking about this. It's been so long, and Brendan and I have come so far in our relationship, but it doesn't make it all okay in my mind. I don't think he even has a clue how much it still bothers me.
I have a hard time for truly forgiving people.
I'm still mad at brendan for being so stupid and unfaithful.
I'm still mad that Michael would have taken that many drugs to kill himself.
I'm still mad at that Jacob boy for killing Cherise, even though I couldn't even imagine what he went through.
I'm still mad at amanda, for just being amanda. For what she and him did, for what she did to me, and just being her.
Funny thing is though, I bet we actually could have been friends. Maybe not, but when I read her blogs or look at her videos, I bet we could have gotten along. Not that it would really matter, cause I bet it wouldn't have happened anyways. Not that I'll ever admit that to any one.
Whatever. Past is the past. I don't even talk about it anymore.
Some days I wonder what it would be like, if things were different. If for some reason I became single, or taken again, would my summer be extremely lonely? I think I'm afraid of losing him because I don't want to be alone...actually I KNOW that's why. I've always had some weird twisted way of thinking that being without a significant other is a bad thing. I guess I started the whole serious dating thing so young that it just kind of stuck.
I love him, I do. Some days at school I question myself, but when it comes down to it, I love him. I just wish he would TRY. He has absolutely no motivation, and that's what kills me. If I'm going to be with him for the rest of my life, I want a guy who is able to support me, not someone who is going to tag along behind me and just do whatever. I really want him to find something he's interested in. He just doesn't want to look. Maybe he's afraid to grow up, I don't blame him, but he needs to do something. I don't want to have to break up with him in a year or so because he's not doing anything with his life and feel like that whole thing could have easily been avoided. And I don't want to do it now either, and find out it was a huge mistake and it be too late. Maybe I just need to scare him a little.
I wish I could write songs.
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