Searching in the Darkness

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As the sun sets on this world again,
I'm plunged into the dark
Scouring this darkened plane,
I continue the search for my heart

Though the search seems hopeless,
I continue on in vain
Because I must find an end
To this neverending pain

Searching in the darkness
Stumbling in fear
As the search becomes more hopeless,
I sense the end is near

But as the darkness starts to lift,
And my fear and dread subside
I discover that my heart has found
A new place to reside

My thoughts and dreams are all of her
She captivates my heart
She's put an end to my search
And saved me from the dark

- Lex Larmon 2003

Please feel free to leave a comment or e-mail me at:
lex_larmon@hotmail.com

Name the songs I include in my posts and win a gold star!

last modified Jan 5, 2005, 19:44

Sunday, September 28, 2003

Old habits and new beginnings (maybe)

Yeah, I seem to be getting into my old habits when it comes to school work. I'm already starting to fall behind. I realize now that classes are noticably harder. And tech and english seem to be going homework-happy. But all I can do is try harder to get all my assignments in. Because I know that marks are starting to really matter.

As for the new beginnings, that's just my way of introducing two new things in my life. The first being jazz band. Not exactly brand new, but Wednesday's practice was probably a highlight of this somewhat uneventful week. So I thought I'd mention it. We're actually starting to come together on our first piece, and we got some work done on Bohemian Rhapsody (I still can't believe we're playing that. It's great). I think the Jazz Ensemble will do just as well as it did last year, and I think I'm gonna be able to handle it.

The other new thing in my life is that I may be getting romantically involved, which is a big deal to me, just because I've only ever had one previous romantic relationship. It's been on my mind since the day it all began. However, I say "may be" because it's really too early to tell. Basically, all that has happened is an admittance of mutual attraction. I kinda have to find out exactly how she sees things and if she thinks we have a future. I'm guessing I'll find out soon enough though, because I'm pretty sure she reads my blog. Like I said, it's too early to really say anything substantial, but chances are, I'll be going into things in greater detail here on my blog in the not-so-distant future. So wish me luck. I really want this to go somewhere and if it is going to do so, I'll need all the luck I can get. Hopefully, it won't end up with as much pain, confusion, and guilt as my last relationship.

(EDIT) I just realized what a negative note I left that post on, so I wanna end it with something more positive... I know. This weekend, I recieved my largest paycheck to date. This makes me happy.

Ciao for now,

- Lex Larmon -

75027 | posted by Lex at 21:10 | 1 Comments | Comment on this entry

Sunday, September 21, 2003

Long Overdue

My apologies for the total lack of posting lately. School has been keeping me quite busy. For those of you who have read nothing but my bitter, depressing rant last Sunday, that was just that weekend when I felt that miserable. By Tuesday, I was fine (I stayed home sick on Monday). And, I guess I'll fill you in on the rest of the week.

Nothing of interest really happened for most of the week (just been doing homework, ugh), with the possible exception of jazz band practice on Wednesday. This time everyone was there (unlike last time, when only about half the people showed up), and Mrs. Lesk was able to hand out the different parts. Rachel and I are now officially the 3rd trumpet part. Which is nice, because 3rd is easier than 1st and 2nd and it'll be nice having a good friend of mine to work with. And we're both pretty much at the same level. She just learned last year, and I haven't played in 2 years. So we're able to help eachother out, without one dragging the other down.

Umm, so the good stuff basically all happened on Friday. Well, except that "grade 9 playday" was cancelled because of the weather. I don't know if they'll try doing it again, I guess I'll see this week.

But the good stuff started after school. Amanda, living in Copper Cliff, couldn't get a ride to the dance on Friday, so she stayed over to my place for dinner and went to the dance with me. We listened to another great show of Pedestrian X together, where Darien and Steve were giving away 3 pairs of tickets to the Billy Talent/Alexisonfire concert on Monday, and I won! I got the last pair of tickets. It's great, 'cause I like Billy Talent, but I probably wouldn't have paid to see the concert, and now I get to go.

And after dinner, my dad drove us to Lockerby and the dance was awesome. It was probably the best school dance I've been to yet. The DJ actually played some good music, like AC/DC, and I had a hell of a time with Amanda, Janis, Rachel, Courtney, Kevin and everyone else. I mean, it was on Friday, and my legs are still sore. So you know it was good. The highlight of the dance was probably spinning on the floor, playing air guitar to AC/DC... twice. What can I say, Darien wasn't there, and someone had to do it. Yeah, it was probably that or maybe slow-dancing with Rachel. That was... interesting. But I'll get into that at another time and place. But I was exhausted afterward. I don't think I've ever danced that hard for that long. I went to bed as soon as I got home, and fell asleep right away. Which is unusual for me, as it usually takes me like, an hour to fall asleep.

So Friday rocked. Saturday, I had to work all day, to catch up on Friday's work which I missed because of the dance. But I watched "Bulletproof Monk" after, which was a great movie. Now I'm basically just anticipating tomorrow's concert. It should be fun. So I'm going over to CKLU tomorrow after school with Darien and Steve to pick up the tickets, 'cause they've got a show tomorrow. Everyone listen to CKLU from 4-6. There's my shameless plug for today.

Well it's about time for dinner, so ciao for now,

- Lex Larmon -

74485 | posted by Lex at 15:03 | 2 Comments | Comment on this entry

Sunday, September 14, 2003

Going Under...

Things are not great at the moment. I am feeling pretty sick and feverish from a bug I caught from my parents. And over the weekend, I've worked myself into a nice little depression. Just a whole bunch of things are really not going my way.

It all started on Friday. Seems even though Mrs. Lesk was "happy to have anyone" for the music council, I wasn't good enough. I'm not one of her little band geek favourites, so she doesn't trust me to be on the music council. I was really pumped to be a part of the council and to do my part to help the music program. There's even gonna be a music council homeroom now. The only reason I even joined the Jazz band was so I could be on the music council. But too bad for me, right? Story of my life.

And wouldn't you know it, my job stunk too. I worked all Friday night on the invoicing, only to find that it all got screwed up, and I had to completely re-enter everything over again. So I had to work all day Saturday. Which brings me to my next point:

School! Only two weeks in, and I'm swamped. I have 2 big assignments due and only 1 day to do them, thanks to work. And I have 2 major tests on Tuesday to study for. So I've spent all day working on school, while being sick and having to put up with my nephew running around. And not only am I swamped, but the one teacher I was really happy to have, Mr. Bertrand, isn't teaching at Lockerby anymore. So now we've got the hundred-year-old Finnish english teacher who can't speak english!

And wouldn't you know, it gets worse. On top of all this crap, I am now feeling really lonely and I can't stop thinking about my ex, Lucy. Biff wrote this "now you're gone" love song, which is a beautiful song, but it brought the memories flooding back. And just to open the floodgates even wider, I went back through all my old weblog posts (now that the servers are back up), and I ended up finding the posts about Lucy.

These things combined really started me thinking about Lucy and how lonely I am. I never really got a reason as to why she broke up with me, so I never really got any closure. She was the first and only girlfriend I ever had and I loved her. And she broke me. Not just my heart. She broke me. I haven't had any romantic involvement since then, which was about 9 months ago. I miss her. And though I often succeed in hiding it, I am very lonely.

"It's been a bad day
I'll try not to let it show
Another sad day
And I'm just letting go...."

Godnight everyone,

- Lex Larmon -

73997 | posted by Lex at 20:42 | 2 Comments | Comment on this entry

Saturday, September 13, 2003

Finally!

The danchan servers seem to be working again. About time. I haven't been able to access them for over a week. And as a result, my last two posts (which I expected to get a lot of comments on), went pretty much unnoticed.

Well, I don't have a lot of time to post now, but I'll try to post something this weekend. I'm really busy this weekend. Lots of job work and homework. And we're babysitting Damien tomorrow. But I'll post as soon as I can organize my thoughts and as soon as I get enough time.

Ciao for now,

- Lex Larmon -

73892 | posted by Lex at 20:16 | 0 Comments | Comment on this entry

Friday, September 5, 2003

Living Proof rocks!

Yeah, I just got back from another Living Proof concert at Glad Tidings, with Amanda, Alex and Kevin. It was amazing! Andrew, Ben, Joel, Mark, Eric, you guys rock. Sadly, it's the last show of theirs that I, or anyone else, will ever see. It was their final performance. There's just something so bittersweet about that. It's their last show, but they did such an awesome job of it.

And after winning a radio show talent contest, they won some recording time, and finally recorded a single: "Smoke and Mirrors." I bought it at the show and got them all to sign it. I have been waiting a long time to get a recording of theirs and I have not been dissappointed. I mean, I wish they were able to record all of their songs. But they weren't. I am just happy to have been a part of it all, and to have a song of theirs. If you're at all interested in hearing "Smoke and Mirrors," just let me know on MSN sometime and I'll be more than happy to send it to you.

Andrew is such a great songwriter. I definately look up to him for that. And when I hear their songs, I'm inspired to write my own. Since I've only had the pleasure of seeing them perform 3 times and only just got a recording now, I don't know many of the lyrics. But I'd like to share a few selected lyrics from "Sorry," a personal LP favourite:

"A fire burns inside, leaving scars so deep
Every waking hour, bringing moments of lost sleep
So many questions asked, you're left without an answer
This longing in your heart, it's like a hidden cancer

And I'm sorry...
My hands were tied
I'm sorry...
For the tears that you cried
I'm sorry...
I couldn't help you stand
I'm sorry...
I'm just a mortal man"

- "Sorry" by Andrew Hyatt

Peace out,

- Lex Larmon -

73734 | posted by Lex at 21:32 | 0 Comments | Comment on this entry

Wednesday, September 3, 2003

School, Love, Pain and Friends

Wow, that title sounds like some kind of teen anthem. Yes, I am updating after only a day, but don't expect daily posts very often. It just so happens that I have more I want to talk about.

First off, I wanna blow off some steam about school. It's only the second day and I've already recieved 4 homework assignments. And that's only from two classes! The other two are computer-oriented and Lockerby's accounts aren't even working yet. And on top of that, I have been wasting my money on city buses. Neither of my potential morning school buses have showed up, and the one I took after school last year is nowhere to be found. Unfortunately, I don't even know what number it is, because it's my not my scheduled bus (even though it's a lot closer to my house). Anyway, it's starting to get on my nerves, but I'll work it out eventually.

But enough school rants. Now for the serious post.

What I actually wanted to write about is that I've been hearing a lot about relationships and breakups lately. And I've been thinking about this topic quite a bit. Particularly my breakup with Lucy, and the painful endings to some of my friends' relationships, although I won't name names. One cliché saying that has come up a lot lately is "Time heals all wounds." What a load of crap. Now I'm not usually that cynical, but it's true. The idea that emotional wounds can be completely healed if you just "give it time" is ridiculous. Granted, the pain becomes easier to bear as time goes on, but it doesn't stop hurting. If you were truely in love, and had your heart broken, that is a burden that you will always carry. All you can do is try to move on.

I've been asked if losing people gets any easier. My response: No. And I really hope it never does. Think about it. If it was easy to lose people, it would cease to be important. We wouldn't care about losing our closest friends, or our girlfriend/boyfriend. And that should never be. I'd say that the hardest part of life is losing the people you care about. Whether it's death, moving away, moving on to different schools or romantic breakups, it's the worst emotional pain one can bear. And that should never be easy.

On the other hand, wallowing in despair does not help things. It won't stop hurting, but holding that pain in doesn't make things any better. If you can confide in a friend, it is the best form of emotional support. It will make the pain easier to bear. I just wish I had chosen to seek support when I lost Lucy. I only realize now that it is better than holding in the pain. When talking to a heartbroken friend recently, I related my own experiences and ended up helping both him and myself to deal with the pain.

In conclusion:

1. School has not started out great for me
2. Emotional pain never goes away
3. Losing people is life's greatest emotional pain
4. When faced with emotional pain, friends are the best form of emotional support.

Thanks for reading all that. And if you didn't actually read it all... well, I don't really blame you.

'til next time,
"Life is only as good as the memories we make" - Ataris

- Lex Larmon -

73460 | posted by Lex at 18:45 | 0 Comments | Comment on this entry

Tuesday, September 2, 2003

School Year 2003/2004

As promised, I am resuming Creating Waves for the new school year. Hopefully this year, I'll have a bit more to talk about and update more often.

Summer Highlights:

I'm not gonna go into great detail about everything since the last time I made a real post, so I'll just briefly summarize the summer.

It started off pretty slow, so I was pretty much just hanging out and chatting with my friends whenever I could. Going to Steve's for band practices, going to the movies, etc. A few weeks into the summer, Simon and Ariane arrived for their annual 5-week stay and that's when my summer actually became interesting.

We hung out at my sister's place, saw movies, went bowling, etc. And after a while, we went for our yearly Wonderland trip. That was a lot of fun. I went with Simon, Ariane, my sister Ruth, Ruth's friend Heather, and my friend Ryan. We also went camping for a week (the week of the blackout) at Agnew Lake Lodge and just before Simon and Ariane had to return to Switzerland, we all went to Kingston for a few days. And I worked. Every weekend I worked.

And yesterday, everyone got together at the beach and then went over to Rachel's for an awesome party. What a way to end the summer.

Site Updates:

As for site changes, I pretty much just updated the list of non-blog links. Yeah. That's it.

Back to School:

And so it's back to school again. I have officially started grade 11. Scary, no? I am part of the senior half of Lockerby students and I'm half done high school. That's huge. Actually, for many of my friends (like Darien, Steve, etc), they are now in grade 12 and will be graduating this year. Won't be the same without you guys next year.

But I now know all my classes and everything. There are some good aspects and some not-so-good aspects. I have a hard semester first and a pretty good one in semester two. But I have all my hardest classes now: STEP Tech, University Math and English, and CISCO. Pretty crazy. Although, one really nice thing is that although I was scheduled to have English with Mrs. Moxam (formerly Miss Stansfield), she is on maternity leave for the whole semester. And guess who her replacement is? Mr. Bertrand! And those of you who know Big Mac will know how cool that is for me.
But I can't wait 'til next semester. Mainly beacause homeroom is the one class that I really hoped I'd be able to get in: Yearbook. Ms. Hubert as a homeroom teacher. Sweeeeeet. And I got it the same semester as a bunch of my friends (like Amanda & Rachel) so that's a definate bonus.

But I'll stop talking for now. If you've actually read this whole post, you're surely bored to death by now. But watch for more posts throughout the rest of the school year. I'll try to make them not so few and far between.

Ciao for now,

- Lex Larmon -

73296 | posted by Lex at 14:50 | 2 Comments | Comment on this entry