Searching in the Darkness

Navigate

Lex's current entries
Login::signup to we::blog
Layout created by PROJECT

Other Links

deviantART: Lex-Larmon - Head over to dA for some of my poetry.
Sinfest - Friggin' hilarious comic strip.
star cross'd destiny - A wonderful online illustrated novel. Read it from the beginning... Now!
MINX - The new MINX (formerly Scratching Post) message board.
Blizzard Entertainment - Some of the best PC games out there.
Elfwood - All about fantasy and sci-fi. It's a forum for some of the best amateur art and literature on the net.

As the sun sets on this world again,
I'm plunged into the dark
Scouring this darkened plane,
I continue the search for my heart

Though the search seems hopeless,
I continue on in vain
Because I must find an end
To this neverending pain

Searching in the darkness
Stumbling in fear
As the search becomes more hopeless,
I sense the end is near

But as the darkness starts to lift,
And my fear and dread subside
I discover that my heart has found
A new place to reside

My thoughts and dreams are all of her
She captivates my heart
She's put an end to my search
And saved me from the dark

- Lex Larmon 2003

Please feel free to leave a comment or e-mail me at:
lex_larmon@hotmail.com

Name the songs I include in my posts and win a gold star!

last modified Jan 5, 2005, 19:44

Thursday, September 30, 2004

Both of us never tiring, desperately wanting

So are we lost or do we know
Which direction we should go
Sit around and wait for someone to take our hands and lead the way

Cause every day we're getting older
And every day we all get colder
We're sick of waiting for our answers

Well, once again my homework has been keeping me from posting... and even when I had the time, I didn't have the words. But, I've come to some interesting revelations this week (especially yesterday, my mind was spinning). Otherwise, I've been really good. Depsite the frantic busyness, I think I've been happier over the past few weeks than I have been in a long time... Too bad no one else seems to be experiencing the same. Danny and Regs, you both need to relax... You're starting to worry me... you too Jesse.

Let's see, since the last real post... dance at LEP rocked. Hehe, I love my fedora... wore it to jazz too.

Music council seems to be coming together nicely, we're currently planning a grade 9 welcome party - should be pretty good if we can pull it off.

Ugh... this weekend will be brutal, I have my job to do, 12 pages to write up for english, plus whatever else I get for homework tomorrow. At least the weekend will start off on a good note... *note to self - bring Warcraft to distract the kid*

Ciao for now,

(P.S. - New gold stars up for grabs with every post)

Sometimes
I wish I was brave
I wish I was stronger
I wish I could feel no pain
I wish I was young
I wish I was shy
I wish I was honest
I wish I was you not I

'Cause
I feel so mad
I feel so angry
I feel so callused
So lost, confused, again
I feel so cheap
So used, unfaithful
Let's start over
Let's start over

Sometimes
I wish I was smart
I wish I made cures for
How people are
I wish I had power
I wish I could lead
I wish I could change the world
For you and me

'Cause
I feel so mad
I feel so angry
I feel so callused
So lost, confused, again
I feel so cheap
So used, unfaithful
Let's start over
Let's start over

'Cause
I feel so mad
I feel so angry
I feel so callused
So lost, confused, again
I feel so cheap
So used, unfaithful
Let's start over
Let's start over

I feel so mad
I feel so angry
I feel so callused
So lost, confused, again
I feel so cheap
So used, unfaithful
Let's start over
Let's start over

122705 | posted by Lex at 20:35 | 7 Comments | Comment on this entry

Saturday, September 25, 2004

Eh, why not?

INSTRUCTIONS:
1. Copy this whole list into your journal.
2. Bold the things that are true about you.

01. When I was younger I made some bad decisions.
02. I don't watch much TV these days.
03. I love psychodelic mushrooms.
04. I love sleeping.
05. I have loads of books.
06. I once slept in a toilet. (does bathtub count?)
07. I like playing video games.
08. I adore marijuana.
09. I watch porn movies.
10. I watch them with my father. The hell?
11. I like sharks.
12. I love spiders.
13. I was born without hair and I still have no hair.
14. I like George Bush.
15. People are cool.
16. I have changed a lot mentally over the last year.
17. I have jacuzzi and a Porsche.
18. I have a lot to learn.
19. I carry my knife everywhere with myself.
20. I'm really really smart.
21. I've never broken someone's bones.
22. I have a secret.
23. I hate snow.
24. I drink only milk.
25. Punk rock rules.
26. I hate Bill Gates!
27. I love Chinese food.
28. I would hate to be famous.
29. I am not a morning person.
30. I wear glasses.
31. I don't need glasses, except sunglasses.
32. I have potential.
33. I'm pure Japanese.
34. My legs are two different sizes.
35. I have a twin.
36. I wear a padded bra.
37. I can ramble on about absolutely nothing.
38. I'm left-handed.
39. I hate llamas, but I'm one of them. I'd comment, but....
40. I don't like horror movies.
41. I suck at climbing, but I love it anyway.
42. People hate me usually.
43. I love pop music.
44. I hardly ever go to bed before midnight.
45. I hate parking fines.
46. I know the National Anthem of my country by impulsive memory.
47. I know more than two languages.
48. I spend too much time on my computer.
49. I often want to throw out the computer through a window.
50. I live on a ground floor.
51. I don't like chocolate.
52. I'd like to be more original.
53. I've lied.
54. Cocks are my favorite birds.
55. I want to conquer the world.
56. I wonder what happens when you die.
57. I've read all books about Harry Potter.
58. Eat your dog! ...?
59. I love to exercise.
60. I hate chemistry with a passion.
61. I love to write.
62. I like changes.
63. I hate going to class.
64. I am afraid to die.
65. I hate dish washing.
66. My hair is long, brown, and incredibly curly.
67. My nails are nine inches long.
68. My favourite colour is Black.
69. I like to sleep on the floor.
70. I am hopeless at cooking.
71. I sucked my thumb when I was little.
72. I should be doing something else rather than writing this.
73. I am online a lot, but not on MSN.
74. I hate government.
75. I don't have a girlfriend.
76. I'm too nice for my own good.
77. I love to read, I read as much as I can.
78. I don't trust newspapers.
79. I like debating.
80. I live in a lagoon.
81. I clean my room once a month. (not even)
82. I'm scared of American fast food.
83. I am prying open my third eye.
84. I love Mozambique.
85. I don't trust any religion.
86. I used to play with barbies because all the other girls were doing it.
87. I wanted to be a super hero when I was little.
88. I like listening to wind chimes.
90. My hair is long and straight.
91. I earn a lot.
92. I don't like spicy food.
93. I keep a blog journal thingy.
94. I can't do cartwheels.
95. I am very lazy.
96. I'm sarcastic.
97. I think my hair is annoying.
98. I'm very sensitive.
99. I love being "ab-normal".
100. My left eye is violet and my right eye is light blue.

What about you?

122201 | posted by Lex at 18:39 | 2 Comments | Comment on this entry

Thursday, September 23, 2004

Why, why, must you fall asleep

And maybe tonight, we'll fly so far away
We'll be lost before the dawn

Alright, I finally get a chance to update! I've been way too busy lately... Life's been nothing but school and (lack of) sleep - band, class, homework, sleep, class, band, homework, sleep, band, class, band, homework, sleep, class... Until today! I had no homework in any class and got to go hang out with friends and go to the mall... I GOT MY BLACK FEDORA! *dances* I am sooo wearing it to jazz next week... hehehe.

Dance tomorrow! At LEP. 7.00 pm. $5. Come. You know you want to.

Much like on Ry's blog, I am interested to see if anyone knows the lyrics I include, like in my titles, before the post, after the post... lol. They haven't been too obscure yet, but I'm sure they will get there soon enough. Who knows, I may even be coerced into giving gold stars... ;)

Let's create our own world
Made of trust, simple and honest
I'll sing a song you've never ever heard
No one else can hear

You're part of me, it's so easy to see the simple truth
When I'm in your arms, I feel safe from harm and sorrow too
You're part of me, it's so easy to see the the simple truth
But most of all, nothing couldn't be solved when I'm with you

121985 | posted by Lex at 20:02 | 3 Comments | Comment on this entry

Tuesday, September 14, 2004

The world will sing when I am king

Wake up, without a care
Your head's not heavy, your conscience clear
Sins are all forgiven here, yours and mine
Fear has gone without a trace
It's the perfect time, it's the perfect place
Nothing hurting. Nothing sore. No one suffers anymore,
The doctor's found a simple cure
Just in time

Own the day. Sieze the day. Carpe diem. "Suck the marrow out of life." Follow your heart. Let life shine through. Make each day your own... pick one.

I love english class...

As long as the river still runs to the sea
Hey lucky you, lucky me

120743 | posted by Lex at 8:36 | 6 Comments | Comment on this entry

Monday, September 13, 2004

So tired that I couldn't even sleep...

I woke up, morning
I woke up dead today

Welcome back to the eternal stupor... Good old school. Never enough sleep to last through the day and 4 teachers that like to give homework every night... Hurray! Meh, I'll live, I always do.

Today was interesting though... I think we scared the grade 9s a bit. Well, they are entering into the music program, they should know what they're getting into. I've already got my protégé though - she even picked out P27. Perry's little sister Julie - and I do mean little, lol. Seems size (or lack thereof) runs in the family.

Hmm, maybe I should try this sleep thing again. Early morning tomorrow...

This one's for you Regs: <3

I wish you would step back from that ledge my friend
You could cut ties with all the lies, that you've been living in
And if you do not want to see me again, I would understand
I would understand

The angry boy, a bit too insane,
Icing over a secret pain
You know you don't belong
You're the first to fight, You're way too loud
You're the flash of light, On a burial shroud
I know something's wrong

Well everyone I know has got a reason to say, "put the past away"

I wish you would step back from that ledge my friend
You could cut ties with all the lies, That you've been living in
And if you do not want to see me again, I would understand
I would understand

Well he's on the table, And he's gone to code
And I do not think anyone knows
What they are doing here
And your friends have left you, you've been dismissed
I never thought it would come to this and I, I want you to know
Everyone's got to face down their demons
Maybe today, you can put the past away

I wish you would step back from that ledge my friend
You could cut ties with all the lies, that you've been living in
And if you do not want to see me again, I would understand
I would understand...

Can you put the past away?
I wish you would step back from that ledge my friend
I would understand
I wish you would step back from that ledge my friend
I would understand...

120690 | posted by Lex at 21:11 | 0 Comments | Comment on this entry

Saturday, September 11, 2004

This city's made us crazy and we must get out...

This love has taken its toll on me
She said 'goodbye' too many times before
And her heart is breaking in front of me
But I have no choice 'cause I won't say goodbye anymore

Disclaimer: I am posting here to address certain issues that have arisen lately. I am not trying to prove a point, or make anyone upset. These are just my thoughts, my feelings (On a weblog? Shocking!). I do not care if you agree with what I say here today, but if you are going to be offended and bitch me out about it, then just don't read it. I don't need that. And I am not going to apologize for what I say. I'm getting tired of doing that. I just need a way of getting certain things off of my chest. So, for those who actually want to bother to read it, know that I will be quite blunt at times, so please take everything I say with a grain of salt. And if you are going to venture posting a comment, please take a moment to consider what you are saying (and how much you actually know about what you're saying) before you hit that post button.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Last night, I came across a rather... enigmatic poem, written by Courtney herself. As a member of deviantART myself, I am notified of when my friends/contacts post new submissions. So, upon receiving notification that she had posted a new work, I was eager to see it for myself. You can see it for yourself here for reference's sake. It's quite straightforward actually. The short of it is that she is communicating that she misses me, she loves me, has always loved me, and always will. Now this was rather interesting to finally hear, as in the entire time we were together, I never once heard anything like this. In fact, I think that was a rather large reason as to why we eventually broke up. Of course, now that we're no longer together, she is able to post it for all the world to see. I feel like I want to say that I don't care anymore... But I do. I want to yell at her and ask her why it was so hard to say that when we were actually together, but I know I still care about her and couldn't deliberately do anything to make her upset. I was willing to give myself to her, and even willing to put up with the fact that she wouldn't. She told me she couldn't, and I accepted that. I went through hell because of how much I cared about her. And I knew that despite the number of times I hurt her and betrayed her trust, that she cared about me too. But, it wasn't enough, and as much as I would have wanted to continue the relationship, it would have required some commitment on her part, so the decision was hers to make. Eventually, we both agreed that it in the long run, it would be far less painful for both of us if we were to remain friends and nothing more. I still loved her, so that hurt... but I did my best to get past it and move on.

Now throughout my entire relationship with Courtney, there was one person to whom I consistently turned to for guidance, advice, support and comfort. That person was Marie. The whole time, she had been an exemplary friend, and gone well beyond the call of duty to help me through the more difficult times. Even before the actual breakup, I saw it coming, and that was one time when I depended on her friendship. She helped me immensely, and in addition to the fact that I basically was dealing with the breakup before it even happened, that was a major reason I was able to get over Courtney so quickly. Or so it seemed. The truth is, I still care about Courtney, and I probably will my entire life. But I was still able to move on and continue with my life as one of the greatest summers of my life drew to a close. I surrounded myself with friends both to help me move on and to help me get my mind off of things. And the last weekend of the summer vacation is when things just got that much more dramatic.

Being the friend that she is, Marie invited me to accompany her to camp, and assist her with her last weekend working on the dairy dock (for those who don't know, this is Marie's summer job, selling ice cream from a dock in the middle of the lake). My breakup technically having occurred only days before, and it being the last weekend before school started, I was quite happy to get out of town one last time and spend some time with a good friend. Only several days beforehand though, I had found out that Marie had actually had a crush on me, basically since we met. And truth be told, the feeling was mutual. I feel the need to point out that at this point (the weekend), I was well aware that Alex and Marie's relationship had, in all reality, been over for some time, and the next time she saw him, she was going to be breaking up with him. Anyway, I took off down the highway that Saturday, with Marie and her mother, and was welcomed by her aunt and uncle at camp. We were, of course forced to work in the mornings, and then spent at least 5 hours alone on the dock every afternoon of the long weekend. And although the first day was largely spent talking, over the course of the weekend; words were said, sparks flew, feelings were revealed... and by the end of the weekend, it was quite obvious to both Marie and I that we both had feelings for one another and wanted to be together. And to all of those people who hate me for 'moving in on a friend's girl', nothing happened. I made sure of that.

Because we're not bad people, neither of us wanted to hurt Alex unnecessarily. But nor could we deny how we felt about eachother. And so following Marie and Alex's breakup, I had the unpleasant priviledge of revealing this development to both Alex and Courtney. And while they both pretended to be happy for us and hide the fact that they were both very hurt, it was quite obvious that they weren't at all happy about it, as we knew they wouldn't be. And I know that I've hurt you both, I am sorry. I didn't ask for things to work out like this - I would never deliberately do anything to make you upset, but it's like I said: There is nothing we can do about the way we feel. We can only play with the cards we are dealt.

So that's it. That's the story. Maybe you knew all of this already. Maybe you didn't. Either way, I felt a need to get it out there. Maybe you still think I'm an asshole for the things that I've done, and if so, well that's really too bad, but there's not much I can do about that. If you have something to say... Well, go ahead, post it. I can't stop you. But please take a minute to think about what you're saying, who you're talking to, and who else is going to read it. But before I finish, I have a few direct messages:

Alex: I'm sorry for the way things worked out. You've been nothing but a good friend to me, and you don't really deserve a lot of the crap you've been through. You may say you're fine with it, and you're happy for me, but I'm not stupid. I know it hurts. But I also know you're strong enough to move on, and I'm happy you're still able to call me your friend. "Move along, I believe there's something beautiful to see." There are great things awaiting you man - go out and find them.

Courtney: I must apologize to you as well. I am put in a rather awkward position to realize that you still have such feelings for me, but you too need to move on. I have brought you little more than pain, and despite what your father tells you, you can do so much better. I'm really not worth it. "I said don't let your future be destroyed by my past." I hope that we really can still be friends, because you are an amazing, unique person, and I do still care about you and want you to be happy, as much as I ever have.

Jesse: Thank you. I have never really counted you among my best friends, but I think we have more in common than you, I, or anyone else realizes. It's nice to know that I am not alone in the way I feel sometimes.

Marie: You have been the one person to remain by my side the entire time. You have no idea how much that means to me. Thank you.

And to everyone else: I apologize to anyone who I have hurt or who has been dragged into this. But I intend to follow my heart, as I always have.

Oh no it happened again,
She's cool, she's hot, she's my friend
I'd drive for hours, it's so...
You leave me nowhere to go

She's unstopable, unpredictable
I'm so jaded, calculated wrong

Please take me home, too late, it's gone
I bet you're sad, this is the best time we ever had

I hope, hope that it lasts,
Give in, forget the past
Be strong when things fall apart,
Honest this breaks my heart

She's unstoppable, unpredictable
I'm so jaded, calculated, wrong

Please take me home, too late, it's gone
I bet you're sad, this is the best time we ever had
Please take me home, too late, it's gone
I bet you're sad, this is the best time we ever had

Why did we have to go date
It's too easy to complicate
Be strong when things fall apart
(Be strong when things fall apart)
Honest this breaks my heart
(It's so hard...)

Please take me home, too late, it's gone
I bet you're sad, this is the best time we ever had
Please take me home, too late, it's gone
I bet you're sad, this is the best time we ever had

120480 | posted by Lex at 18:23 | 6 Comments | Comment on this entry

Friday, September 10, 2004

What Happened To Us?

I thought it was too good to be true
I found somebody who understands me
Someone who would help me to get through
And fill an emptiness I had inside me
But you kept inside and I just denied
Some things that we should have both said
I knew it was too good to be true
'Cause I'm the only one who understands me

What happened to us?
We used to be so perfect, now we're lost and lonely
What happened to us?
And deep inside I worry did I lose my only?

Remember they thought we were too young
To really know what it takes to make it
But we had survived off what we have done
And we could show them all that they're mistaken
Who could have known the lies that would grow
Until we could see right through them
Remember they knew it we were too young
We still don't know what it takes to make it

What happened to us?
We used to be so perfect, now we're lost and lonely
What happened to us?
And deep inside I worry did I lose my only?

We could have made it work, we could have found a way,
Should have done our best to see another day
But we kept it all inside until it was too late
And now we're both alone, the consequence we pay
For throwing it all away, for throwing it all away...

What happened to us?
We used to be so perfect, now we're lost and lonely
What happened to us?
And deep inside I worry did I lose my only?

What happened to us?

- "What Happened To Us?" by Hoobastank

I don't know what I did today Courtney, but I'm sorry. I'm sorry for everything.

Everyone else - I'll make a real post sometime this weekend... But expect random lyrics to appear really often.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Edit:] Okay, I may have jumped the gun a little before... Apparently, I was not to blame for what happened earlier, but somehow I can't shake the guilty feeling... Oh well, either way, I still love that song, the whole album really, and after everything between Court and I, it just seemed to fit.

120422 | posted by Lex at 14:35 | 2 Comments | Comment on this entry

Thursday, September 9, 2004

Oh my God, he's blogging again

Well, after a seemingly-endless hiatus, I have once again returned to the blogging community. I will be posting once again, and before the next post, I will probably be changing my template slightly, or at least getting a picture that shows up. I've already updated my information a bit and added/deleted some links. Once I get a hold of Nursall, I'll see if she'll host an image for me. I already have one idea...

Well, I hardly have the time or even the mental organization for a proper post right now, so I shall leave you with one of the songs that's occupying my head right now. I have Biff to thank for introducing me to the cd (Great Big Sea - Something Beautiful), and well... someone else for giving meaning to the song (you're not stupid, you know who it is).

Great Big Sea - Shines Right Through Me

These days I feel a change
All the patterns rearranged
Though I can't explain
I know I'm not afraid

Now I realize
All good things can be supplied
And they come from you
They come from you

It's all brand new and it shines right through
Shines right through me
I look at you and it shines right through
Shines right through me

This feeling that I've found
Is like sleeping on a cloud
Smiling at the sky
Not even knowing why

Strange how things work out
But I know without a doubt
That it comes from you
It comes from you

It's all brand new and it shines right through
Shines right through me
I look at you and it shines right through
Shines right through me

Break me out of emptiness
Lead me to your light
Anything worth having
Is worth some sacrifice

I laid too long in loneiness
This world was made to change
Half an hour of sunshine
Is worth a week of rain

The air is flowing free
It's a little easier to breathe
This soul unbound
Was lost and found

No reason left to hide
'Cause I feel a light inside
And it comes from you
It comes from you

It's all brand new and it shines right through
Shines right through me
I look at you and it shines right through
Shines right through me

It's good to be back... and that statement alone has at least 4 meanings... Feel free to try and figure them out.

Ciao for now,

Lex Larmon

120307 | posted by Lex at 17:57 | 8 Comments | Comment on this entry