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Tathiel's weblog
last modified Apr 14, 2004 at 13:36
I HATE saying goodbye. I wish it didn't hurt so much. I knew it was coming from the beginning but it doesn't ease the pain.
I wish I could just give someone the contents of my brain and heart and say "Here, you do it, I can't."
Ever have one of those days where you just feel like crying for no real reason whatsoever. I feel like I've regressed. I made so much progress this year; lost weight and got fit, did a real play again, got a better job, and worked harder at school. Ever since the play ended though I got lazy. I'm not doing anything I should be right now and it's all my own fault, I feel this stressful self-pitying feeling coming back in the pit of my stomach. It seems the busier I am, the more productive I am. I need a new project. Me from earlier this year, please come back and whoop me back into shape.
Fuck me! I deserve everything, but I feel sick, and I know I won't be able to sleep. Fuck me, I'm a fucking retard! I don't think I realized what the fuck I was doing! FUCK ME!!!
Okay, so I haven't written in here in way over a year, so hopefully noone reads this anymore.
I can't take it anymore, I feel trapped in my own room. I've been depressed since last year, and nothing I do seems to change that. I thought this year was different. I had taken control of my life, I'm doing well in my classes, I'm back in musical theatre, and I have a job I like.
But my mom's fucking crazy, my schoolwork is starting to catch up to me, I never get the chance to be alone with my boyfriend, and there's a part of me that just never, never feels right. And it feels like nothing will ever make it go away...besides well time travel, to the past.
I don't feel like me anymore. I will never have friends like I did again. I know this is cliche, but I hate growing up. I'm forced into a life I don't want. I'm miserable and nothing is going to change that.
I know this was like the most emo, cliche boo hoo my life sucks post, but I had to get it out...even if I really didn't get it all out, but to do that would take days.
I need out!
Just so people know, I got a new Livejournal, probably where I'll be updating most of the time.
Okay totally stole this from Alex, of course semi changed it to fit me more...however I don't know how many people still actually read my blog.
01. Reply with your name and I will write something about you.
02. I will then tell what television show reminds me of you.
03. If I were to apply an o'clock to you, it would be...
04. I will try to name a single word that best describes you.
05. I'll tell you the most memorable moment I've had with you.
06. I will tell you what animal you remind me of.
07. I'll then tell you something that i've always wondered about you.
08. I will tell you what random movent I will pull to honour you.
09. I'll then say what random item I can find in my room that reminds me the most of you.
10. I'll also mention what part of your body I would bite.
11. And what type of play you are (drama, comedy, tragedy etc)
12. And what swear word you would be.
13. Plus I might just say what television/cartoon character you remind me of.
14. What song reminds me of you.
15. And what IB subject you are.
16. Put this in your journal.
IT'S OVER!!! FOREVER AND EVER!! I NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER HAVE TO CARE ABOUT CHEMISTRY EVER AGAIN!!! My chemistry IB exam is done, my english is half done, and then I have Bio. I cannot wait until it's all over!
I stole this from Jazz, it's quite amusing. I tried to break up the song into the appropriate lines, but it's so messed up sometimes two are mixed together.
1. Take the lyrics to a favorite song.
2. Go to Google Language Tools and translate the lyrics into German; then from German to French; and finally from French back into English. (note: I used another translator and I was going to go through a bunch of languages, but the word limit was too small)
3. Post the results verbatim.
4. Invite your friends to guess the song based on the newly mangled lyrics.
I would give you in top for always, to affect
and causes it to you that I know that you believe that me
with the sky the naehste am in one way or another which I am indeed
and I would not like to go to the house at the present time
and all I can taste, this moment am
and all I can breathe, will be early or late your cause of life,
am not him
Over me you evening to precisely miss it would like
Chorus: And I do not wish myself to see D the world
causing me not to think that they become to include/understand
if I cassetout to be precisely formed
to wish to know you me to be
and you do not fight to be able D tear that to be not to come
or D the moment from the truth in him lie
if all does not seem pascomme D film
yeah you with bleeding to precisely know your me to wish in an alive way
Chorus: And I do not wish myself to see D the world
causing me not to think that they become to include/understand
if I cassetout to be precisely formed
to wish to know you me to be
Chorus: And I do not wish myself to see D the world
causing me not to think that they become to include/understand
if I cassetout to be precisely formed
to wish to know you me to be
wish to know you me to be me to precisely
wish to know you me to be me to precisely
wish to know you me to be me to precisely
wish to know you me to be me to precisely
Your Birthdate: April 9
Your birth on the 9th day of the month adds a tone of idealism and humanitarianism to your nature.
You become one who can work easily with people because you are broadminded, tolerant and generous.
You are ever sensitive to others' needs and feelings, and you are very sympathetic and compassionate.
Your feeling run deep and you often find yourself in dramatically charged situations.
This 9 energy always tends to give more that it gets.
Hahahahaha, how wrong is that?
Awesome day. First I got to sleep in because my baby is back so I can sleep in during my first period spare. Then I had a spare in chemistry and because chem is right before lunch me and Alex went to the mall and then to Lockerby to visit our friends, and ended up wandering about 15 minutes just trying to find them. Then fourth period I had a scheduled spare but the evolutionary band was preforming so Alex came and spent her class outside with me, it was soooo nice. And the band went halfway into fifth period so I only had half a class today. Sweetness!
In other news, Sister Mary went great! I'm proud of myself. Anyone who wants to see it, Adric taped most of it, but Mr.Blake's wife video taped it too so I'm going to get a copy of one of those.
My baby is back!!!!!! Translation: my dad finally got my car fixed. Well technically it's not mine, it's his, but I'm the one who uses it most. No more having to get picked up from school. I have my car back. Yay! Freedome!
On another happy note Happy Birthday Seline! Now we can all buy lotto tickets. Lol.
I don't exactly know how many people actually still read this but for those of you that do my drama class is putting on the play Sister Mary Ignatius Explains It All For You at 7:00 on Thursday the 21st. If you want to see it tell me, I'm not sure exactly how much it is but it will be like 5$ or less and I am the lead lol, the first bit of the play is basically just me...dressed as a nun, so it should be entertaining. Oh and for the record this is not the big year end musical where I have a solo, that's at the beginning of June. Tootles.
Finally 18! Yay, I'm legal now, lol. Bought my first lotteryesque ticket (it was one of those scratch bingo cards)...well technically Ry gave me the money but I bought it. Actually everyone that was 18 there bought their first one, sorry Seline, but hey at least you got to keep your money because we all lost. Thanks soooo much everyone for a great birthday I love my presents...Cory(lol, luv you Ry), my awesome new earings (Thanks Larissa), Calvin and Hobbes and my Drama Queen underwear (yes Jocelyn you rock so much socks!), my awesomely sweet card, BNL cd (...and other stuff, shhh lol, no wonder our parents don't trust us eh Lex) lol. And thanks everyone else for just showing up, you rock! Just like Jerome Godboo, lol. Awesome seats I must say. And good job stealing the set list Lex, lol.
11 Days Until my Birthday!!!
Alright I haven't updated in what two weeks now. Well not much has been going on in my life and that little which has basically everyone who reads this knows of anyway, so there was no point in posting. Well I got this thing back today from Writer's Craft. It was a 90 second speech that we had to do in the persona of something and I did mine as the persona of a brain cell of a person slowly getting more and more drunk. Yes I know it's not amazing but it was funny when I did it in front of the class and I thought it was genius, so you all get to read my geniusness.
(Rhyming off facts to seem smart) The square of the hypoteneuse of a right angle triangle is equal to the sum of the squares of the other two sides. The square root of 55 696 is 236. The....wait a second...what's that? No, no! Put it down! Put down the alcohol! No don't take (disapointed) a drink. No, not again. We can't survive another massacre like last week. Johnny's on his last leg. He won't live through that entire drink. Put it down. Noooo don't take another drink. We're still rebuilding from last week. The new brain cells are still just children. They can't live through a party. What's that? No don't do shots! Think of the children. Dear lord won't somebody please think of the children?! Oh no, the alcohol has made it to the brain. Stop while you still have the chance. Stop before you kill too many. Oh my God! It got Johnny! You killed Johnny! You murderer! Murderer! No, not the children now! Please I'm begging you, just put down the beer. Go get a pop. Come on. You know you want a nice cold Sprite. That's right go to the fridge. Look there's plenty of pop. No, don't grab another beer! You're just hurting yourself. Oh no! It's coming for me! Noooo! (starting to slur words and wobbling) There's just no hope now. I'm doomed to (start giggling). Heeyyyy it's not so baaaadd. Just gotta loosen up a bit. Hey there kidney lookin' gooood. (giggle) What's the kidney doin' in the brain. (giggle) (try to rhyme off the facts like at the beggining fail miserably) The square of the hyp...hypo...hyppopotamus? (giggle). Two plus two is....lemon? (giggle) Oh no! Where'd the lights go? It's going black...I've always been afraid of the dark. I'm so cold. Wait! I see a light. A bright white light...at the end of a tunnel...and...and...Johnny! And my children. Wait for me! I'm comin'! I'm comin' Johnny! (dies)
Okay so maybe it was a little over 90 seconds...okay so maybe it was a lot over 90 seconds lol.
*contented sigh* I love nature I should really go outside more often. Today was too nice of a day to pass up. I decided I had to go outside so I took my dog with me for a walk on the lake. This is the rare time that I actually like winter. It was so perfect. Not too cold, the sun shining, my dog running around like an idiot, and the sweet silence occaisionaly interupted by a snowmobile, a bird or my dog growling at a snowman. It was so nice just to take a walk on the lake and then after I sat on the bench on my dock and let the sun warm up my cheeks and nose. I could have just fallen asleep there basking in the sun, listening to the silence. *sigh* I guess Northern Ontario winters don't completely suck. Lol.
Exactly one month until my birthday! Yay!!! It's just too bad a lot of my friends will either be gone or busy that day. Oh well I'll deal, I know there will be someone to party with, and anything will be better than my last two birthdays. I mean hell my 16th birthday I only had two people show up, and last year all I did was go to the movies with a couple friends.
Today was royalty day at school so I got to dress up and wear my crown that lights up and I brought my wand that lights up. Lol. Yes I know I'm a loser. Deal.
Oh man you know you're out of shape when....
This morning we had a biology lab, which I forgot about, and I had to run for ten minutes on the treadmill. Now seen as I had forgot about it I had no gym clothes and thus by the end I was sweating like crazy. Not to mention the rest of the day I was absolutely wiped. Of course it is expected from someone who gets maybe an hours worth of excercise a week.
Well on a lighter note I finally have all of the lines memorized for one of my plays in drama class. The first eight pages of which are basically just me doing one huge monologue, with very few breaks from another character. It almost sickens me that I have it all memorized. Lol.
Paradox: Congratulations (or as I said this morning condradgulation) Lockerby Improv team. I'm glad you guys won, but when I found out Lo-Ellen didn't win I almost cried. I was so rooting for them. I'm afraid to see the team on monday because I know just how disapointed they will be, and if I see them I might actully cry.
Well on a happier note Too Far North rocked my socks last night. They were soo amazing. I just wish I could have come up with some more interesting things to yell other than "I love you!" "I want your love children!" and "Take off your clothes!" I'd have to say that during Too Far North's concert Seline, Pat, and I were probably the loudest people ever. Haha we rock! And so does Too Far North!
Back by popular demand...ok basically I demanded people write love poems for me. Well here's one from Steve I hope to get plenty more from others.
Oh Jocelyn,
With a body that makes experienced men ache
That makes stars wish they had burned so hot
That makes animals wish you were into beastiality
Oh Jocelyn,
With eyes as shimmery and brown as the soft, silky dirt
With legs so strong and open wide
Makes you want to just slide into
The red sea of looooove
Brightest Jocelyn,
When you ask, you do recieve
Even if it involves salami and cheese...
Sometimes I wish you could be mine
But then I remember the terpentine...
Now I don't know where I'm going
And you keep showing those
Dance moves of yours
All over the bedroom floor
Going down there wiht you is no chore
And it's far from a bore
Let me be your dirtly little whore
A bit crude but hilarious non the less. Aww Steve you make me laugh. Now for the rest of you, don't think you're love poems have to be funny they can be real. I mean who wouldn't want to write a real love poem about me. Lol. I'm not conceited.
To Jocelyn
Oh fair maiden
You make me stary eyed
And when I'm alone at night
Off in the bathroom I hide
Your eyes are like chocolate
Your hair like pasta
Dammit I'm hungry
Fuck this I'm going to the kitchen
(...)
When I look into your eyes
I see a thousand things (all beauty)
Then I see your ass
Then that's all I see
Your lips are like soft pillows
Which I love to kiss more than the rest
They're taught and firm and...
No wait that's your breasts
I love you in the morning
And in the back of my car
And you're not just great at fucking
You're my shining star
-Grissom
Oh you gotta just love Alex, and her love poem, which I made here write for me in writer's craft. Anyone else up to the challenge of writing me one? Lol, I'd love to hear them.
You know getting two days off school is fun and all but it gets really boring quite fast. I miss my friends. Right now it especially sucks because I know that practice for the play is going on, and I want to be there. Well I'm definately going back tommorow. I was actually going to go today but my dad kind of made me stay, not that I put up much of a fight.
HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!!!
I hope everyone's valentine's day is going good. I have to say mine was pretty good. I got to sleep in, take the day off school. Of course I do have either strep throat or mono but as long as I get the day off school I'm happy. And thank you Ry and Seline, I will cherish Todd forever. Lol. I love you guys! Who says Valentine's Day has to be about romantic love, so I'd like to take my time to say I love all my friends! You guys rock! Who cares if I'm single I have plenty of friends that love me....or so I think. Lol.
Semi was awesome! Besides the fact that I think I have strep throat, well that was easily cured at least for the night with plenty of drugs, but I think today I'm going to have to go to the clinic. I think it will be a month before I get the sparkles off of me. Alex and I went a bit crazy with the sparkles, so anyone or anything that came in contact with us is now covered in sparkles. Mwuahahahahaha. It looks like her house was attacked by clowns. We rock! So does semi!
Eating your food should not be a chore. Stupid sore throat it is really bad and just won't go away. It took me forever to eat my lunch today because my throat refuses to swallow anything unless it is in like liquid form. Grrr I wish some magical fairy could just come and make it all better.
Oh well on a happier note semi is tommorow. Yay! I get to dress up all perty. Yes perty. Hehehehe. Well I think I'm off to take a nap before I have to go babysit. Stupid school making me get up so damn early. I'm wiped.
Wow I haven't posted in over a week. Hmm what has been going on. Well exam break was actually really good. Normally I'd spend it sitting at home doing absolutely nothing but it seems this year I actually have friends. Lol. Tuesday was the first day I actually had off break let's see what I did.
Tuesday- Walked to my friend Mariah's house (finally someone within walking distance! Sure she's only in grade 9 and actually skipped a grade so she's like 5 years younger than me. But don't worry I promise not to corrupt her too much)
Wednesday- Spent most of the day cleaning but luckily Larissa and I got together that night and went to Dairy Queen to meet up with Alex, Shane and his cousin Curtis. Mmmm ice cream in the middle of winter.
Thursday- Get together at Lex's. Fun! Hehe I love my style of playing video games, pressing random buttons. Lol. The jazz concert was cool, crazy bass player. I'm sure the other costumers at Tim Horton's got rightly annoyed with us. Fun at Alex's house that night. 7 hours of CSI rocks my socks.
Friday- Ended up going back to Alex's that night to go sledding. Woot I love acting like a kid.
Saturday- Went shopping with Jocelyn and Larissa. That was quite interesting trying to park the huge truck in a parking lot that didn't even seem to have an empty spot. Went back to Larissa's after for dinner and a movie. Lol sounds like a date.
Sunday- Our group for our group 4 project got together and "did" it. Sure we had three months to do it, but hey if he's not even going to mark it why should we actually do it.
Now school has started again. Because of stupid IB (worst decision of my high school career) I basically have all the same classes, except TOK is replaced with Writer's Craft. I think I am going to end up loving Writer's Craft. First off I get to be in a class with normal students (don't deny it you IB students we aren't normal), secondly it seems like it is going to be really interesting. However we were supposed to bring in two pieces of writing that we've done which proved to be quite difficult. Pretty much the only writing I've done other than school work is my blogs, my "novel" I started writing in grade 8 which is the biggest piece of crap ever, and like two things I wrote when I was super emo, which means they're all teenage angsty and stupid. Oh well Writer's Craft has got me excited about writing I almost just want to start, but what can I write about? Today we did the first run through of Into the Woods. I'm soo crazy excited I could squeal. I can't wait to preform this. It is the best play ever. Oh and I also found out today I have a 91 in drama. I think that's the highest mark I've had since grade 9, but hey I earned it. I love drama. Yay!
Uggg I don't feel sick, but I don't feel well. I've had a headache on and off since Saturday night, and I just feel icky (yes I said icky). I just want a kiss on the forehead and a big bearhug.
Well in good news, my exams are done. DONE!!! Yes a week of nothing....almost, I still have to do my Group 4 project (don't ask). As for the exams. I'm almost glad I didn't study for bio because I think I passed with like at least a 55, unlike the 30 I was expecting. However if I had studied I could have aced it. Chemistry I probably failed. I answered every question but I know that some of the answers I put were definately wrong, but don't pity me. I don't deserve pity. I only studied for about 4 hours for my chem exam and I didn't study at all for bio, so I deserve whatever mark I got. I just wish like normal courses they were done for the year. Forever.
Wow it's been a while since I've updated. Let's see what's going on....not much. Got my script for the play. Yay! Started exams. Boo! Already had my biology exam which was almost stupidly easy. I'm almost glad I didn't study for it, but then again I should have because if I had then I could have aced it instead of just passing it. However my chemistry exam is on Monday, which I'm actually going to have to study for because I actually will fail it if I don't so everyone wish me luck I'll need it.
Neat little quiz thing:
THREE NAMES YOU GO BY:
Jocelyn
Fair Maiden
Gorgeous (hehe Seline)
THREE SCREEN NAMES YOU HAVE HAD:
Is it always or, is it never and?
I think therefor I'm single
The more you complain, the longer God lets you live
THREE THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
My ability to make my friends laugh
My confidence in myself
My smile
THREE THINGS YOU HATE/DISLIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
How I procrastinate about EVERYTHING
Stupid things I do a lot that could easily be avoided
How much of a bitch I can be sometimes, especially when I was younger man I was such a bully
THREE PARTS OF YOUR HERITAGE:
Italian
Irish
According to my mom everything else, lol
THREE THINGS THAT SCARE YOU:
Horror movies, man I even got nightmares from the Orcs in the first Lord of the Rings
Rejection
The monster under my bed
THREE OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS:
Food
Air
Water
THREE THINGS YOU ARE WEARING RIGHT NOW:
My care bear t-shirt that has grumpy bear on it and say "Who Cares"
My jeans
My underwear
THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE BANDS (or artists at the moment):
Evanesence
Great Big Sea
Billy Talent
THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE SONGS AT PRESENT:
Agony(reprise)
Your Fault
Any Moment
(yes they are all songs from the play so shush don't judge me, lol)
THREE NEW THINGS YOU WANT TO TRY IN THE NEXT 12 MONTHS:
University
Getting a job
Getting a boyfriend
THREE THINGS YOU WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP (love is a given):
Someone I can laugh with
Someone I can talk to easily
Trust
TWO TRUTHS AND A LIE:
I secretly like Savage Garden
I used to love the Babysitter's Club books
I used to have the biggest crush on Pee Wee Herman
THREE *PHYSICAL* THINGS ABOUT THE OPPOSITE SEX THAT APPEAL TO YOU:
Eyes
6-Pack (Alex, oh you know about Max, drool)
Personality
THREE *PHYSICAL* THINGS ABOUT THE SAME SEX THAT APPEAL TO YOU:
ummm...
THREE THINGS YOU JUST CAN'T DO:
Make myself actually get down to work
Decide what I really want to do with my life
Lie, I'm horrible at it, which is actually quite odd that I can act
THREE OF YOUR FAVOURITE HOBBIES:
Acting
Reading
Irish Dancing
THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO REALLY BADLY RIGHT NOW:
Sleep
Not have to worry about stuff for school I haven't done yet
Start working on the play
THREE CAREERS YOU'RE CONSIDERING:
Actor
Psychologist
hmm I don't really have a third
THREE PLACES YOU WANT TO GO ON VACATION:
Italy
Ireland
The East Coast
THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE:
Act in at least one movie, or play that's not like a highschool play or anything
Go back to Italy and actually stay there for a couple of months
Sky Dive
THREE PEOPLE WHO HAVE TO TAKE THIS QUIZ NOW OR [ELSE]...
myehhh.. do it if ya want
Ugg I have a huge pet peeve, my biggest pet peeve. I cannot stand it when people put themselves down, and no this is not directed to one person...actually a lot of people have been doing this lately and it's starting to really annoy me. My friends start insulting themselves and saying they're good for nothing and don't understand why people think they're so great. Jee I dunno could it be that you ARE! These people have soo many talents and they dwell on the things they're bad at, or think they're bad at...that pisses me off the most when people put themselves down about things they are amazing at. Okay okay I understand we all get insecure sometimes and need support, and I am more than willing to be there and remind you about all your talents, but honestly if you know you're good at something, and don't you dare pretend like you don't know don't fish for compliments by putting yourself down it's not attractive. Again this is not directed to any one person, I've just been noticing a lot of people doing this lately, so please don't get angry at me for it.
After watching my T.V. show, that was finally a new one, I made the comment "God this show is just getting cheesier and cheesier!" and my dad responded with "Maybe you're just getting older and older." No, I don't want to get too old for my T.V. shows I love my T.V. shows, I owe T.V. so much, I learned everything including my morals from T.V. Lol yes I am pathetic mock me.
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