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Blatant Dog's Blog
I may squander my money and health, but one day my children will be able to see how deep my cynicism really was
last modified Sep 18, 2002 at 6:50
Back in 1991 I was fresh out of Army training and sent to my first duty stations KKMC Saudi, then to Amberg, Germany.
I was an Army Cook, (Someone has to kill and someone has to cook) and we were having a meeting about food rations and the lack of pork chops for the troops.
I think we had only 300 and needed 400 or so. A Sergeant tells me to go downstairs and find the Meat Stretcher. “It’s a machine that can make meat longer and we can get more from a smaller piece”.
I think that must be the coolest thing in the world! We can stretch the meat then cut it into smaller portions. That way we can feed everyone without having to go get more supplies. I go downstairs and look like crazy for this damn machine. I think it must be with the other Hobart machines but no luck.
I run back up and tell Sgt. Marks I can’t find it anywhere. “We had a bunch of them when we came back from Saudi. Go ask the Mess Sergeant where they are Krieger”. Now I was in Saudi and don’t remember loading these machines up but hey, I didn’t do everything.
I run downstairs again and go to the Mess Sergeant’s office. I say to him “Sgt. Harris, have you seen the Meat Stretcher? Sgt. Marks told me you would know were it is.”
Sgt. Harris looks at me dead in the eyes and says, “Do you want the left-handed or right-handed one?”
Nice.
I pride myself on a quick mind, but sometimes even the good get the better taken of them...
Today the call center I worked at received official notification that it will be closing down. 185 people will be out of work as of the 30th of November.
It was as good run, I learned a lot, and I'm leaving it better then I found it and me better then when I came.
I am looking at the User’s Guide for one of my company’s Motorola Pagers, the Advisor Elite.
It is the type of pager that can receive little text messages as well as the phone numbers.
On the cover of this little booklet is a picture of the pager with the text message:
01: THE PROPOSAL WAS WELL RECEIVED. LOOKS LIKE WE WON THE ACCOUNT. GREAT JOB!
Wow! This is a powerful little pager! It is obviously carried by the most powerful of people that need to know things like account winning.
But these pagers can serve a more mundane crowd like me! With Messages like:
02: SERVER IS DOWN. MONKEYS ARE ATTACKING CLIENT
03: CALL: 248.949.#25juoi
04: THE PROPOSAL WAS NOT RECEIVED WELL. YOU ARE FIRED.
05: WE ARE OUT OF CRACK.
What would be the messages of your life? Think about it...
Being Sunday I will dispense with the normal antics that make up my Blog and tell everyone and sundry about my terrible affliction.
I have a secret desire to amass great wealth and power.
This came out yesterday when my wife and I were downtown at the East Village Fair.
East Village is a kind of hippy hangout. It is quasi-hip with coffee shops, Indian restaurants, and beginners galleries that the Kendal Art School folk to start their careers.
Anyway, there were a ton of girls and guys in typical hippy attire. You know it, the loose fitting, made to look like you made it clothing with vibrant colors. Now understand me, I have nothing against this culture. Seriously, nothing.
But the question was asked that in my younger days didn’t I want to be carefree and cool?
Well. No.
I wanted to make money. I had known since about 12 that I wanted money. Not just to have for a greedy need but to use to acquire what I want. Via money comes the ability to be freer in my opinion then any hippy could be.
Does this mean that I am a Republican? Again no. I am a proponent of Free Markets.
And that isn’t cool, then so be it. But remember it’s the crazy kitsch like me that buy the young artists works that give him the ability to be free.
(Plus, I have a fetish for hippy chicks...)
As promised here is a photo of Barry McCaffrey and myself,
First Drug Enforcement Agency McCaffrey:
And now General McCaffrey and I:
Now let me explain what is going on here. This photo is about seven years old, (Man does time move). I was on a six month rotation in Patuca, Ecuador. This was as deep in a jungle as you can get and still see people.
A few months prior to this Ecuador and Peru had a little jungle fight that got a lot of folks, including the U.S. a bit nervous. The last thing we needed was two Country States in the Americas fighting. So four countries came together to enforce an agreement that was drafted back in the 1940's. The United States, Brazil, Argentina, and Chile all sent military observers to this tiny little village. Being that the U.S. Army had a ton of money and people like me sitting around in Panama, they sent about forty soldiers down to pull support work.
What you see here is me, a Specialist in the United States Army receiving an Joint Service Accommodation Medal from Four Star General, Barry McCaffrey with a grin on my face that makes the Cheshire Cat look damn near pretty tame.
Now, why the smile like that? I would love to tell you that someone put me up to it and that it was meant to be a joke, but I can't. You see, I was just so damn happy that I got this award! Look to the right of the General, almost out of the frame in the foreground is the Sergeant Major of Army Operations in the Southern Command. Now he is laughing at me for my smile.
Napoleon was almost right about medals; he had said that men would fight and die for a little piece of cloth on their chest, but in my case it turned me into a grinning fool.
A side note: Barry is a prick. Really. And on that day the conversation was "Sleeves up or down?" As you can see, it was supposed to be up...
This morning on the way to Detroit we stopped at a coffee/bagel place near our home. I had just gotten my coffee, bagel and espresso when an older lady came up to me and asked me where I got my cover.
I was really happy she noticed. I was wearing my favorite shirt. It is a blue/black silk Hawaiian print with a kind of hippish bottom pattern. I am really found of the coconut buttons. They are the detail that breaks it away from an inexpensive Hawaiian print shirt. (Side Note: Tiki is the new rage. If anyone knows a good place over the web to buy one, please let me know!)
I was just starting to explain that I bought it at the now defunct Hudson’s (Now Marshall Fields) when she says, “That is a really nice shirt, but I meant the coffee covers”.
This was the first of two misunderstanding at the Coffee Shop. The second was my bagel order.
Here is what I requested:
“I’ll take the Poppy Seed bagel with light cream cheese, please”.
What I received was a Poppy Seed Bagel with a lot of Light Cream Cheese.
See the difference? What I should have said is:
“I’ll take the Poppy Seed bagel with a light spreading of cream cheese, please”.
So, be careful of the words you choose, and the meaning you think they have. Twice in a span of less then two minutes two misunderstands of simple requests!
A lot of folks take the Blog that they do very seriously. It is oftentimes used as a medium for self-evaluation with feedback from others. iRaNiaNgirl's Weblog is a good example.
Others use the Blog as NCAA Guy does, as a place to store data for future posterity. (But why in God’s name NCAA Data?! How about European Cricket Data?)
I’m somewhere in the middle. I am genuinely a pretty lighthearted guy, with a excellent sense of humor.
But as we all know that is very subjective. What I, you, that guy sitting over there to your right might think is funny can cause shock and dismay to others. Well, if I cause you a moment of levity that was the goal. If it was dismay, again that was my goal.
My wife has never liked my humor (So it wasn’t the humor that hooked her, it was something else. Bling Bling!!). It was a blow for many years that I was not funny to here, but my humor is what kept it in perspective.
I had to write a Disaster Recovery document for my site’s IT Infrastructure. On page 74 there is a short section on Novell server recovery. It says:
..."In the event of power outage and hard system shutdown, grab small hammer attached to chain at end of Data Center. Break glass on emergency repair console and release the Repair Monkeys. WARNING: Immediately exit the Data Center! Repair Monkeys can cause serious bodily harm as a result of limited tool knowledge!"
No one noticed it.
So in honor of her and I here are two jokes that each one of us find very humorous. One from her, one from me:
--> Why did the monkey fall out of the tree? Because it was dead.
--> There was a one legged chicken that had to itch, and it fell over.
Good Luck figuring out which is which!
This evening we had carpet cleaners come in and clean the Living Room and Master Bedroom.
The living room was just dirty from the various parties we have and from a recent family get together. However the bedroom...
Here is the deal, it is just my wife and I that sleep in that room but there is a massively disproportionate amount of hair in the carpet. I am not joking; it is like a barbershop floor in there.
It doesn’t come up by vacuuming either; the carpet has some super adhesive qualities. In the past we have spent oven an hour brushing the floor. BRUSHING THE FLOOR! Both of us on our hands and knees with a large comb and old hairbrush working that floor.
This has to be the most depraved carpet formulated by man. Not only is it white, the hardest color for a carpet, but it requires regular grooming. However the carpets are once again clean.
Side Note: I had promised a photo of Barry tomorrow but I forgot that I have to take a little road trip to Detroit so it will have to hold.
I was asked today what do I when I’m at dinner with my wife and the conversation stops.
Well, nothing.
I’ve been married for over six years and known my wife two more and we have said almost everything there is to say. Here is a highlight of six years of marriage conversations over dinner:
--> Animal / Human breeding? (We both agree that it is not preferable)
--> If she woke up in the morning and I had been turned into a monkey. (Strangely she said she wouldn’t love me like a husband but like a new pet. What’s up with that! I’m the same old guy in condensed monkey form).
--> What if her mom and I were on a cliff falling and she could only save one of us.
--> Should we own guns?
--> What if I accidentally had sex with someone else?
--> Should we change from French Colonel to Modern home décor? (Still ongoing but I’ve made inroads here)
--> Should we share a dessert? (No.)
--> Do you think God sees me in the bathroom?
Again this is but a sample of the many conversations we have. This is what long-term is all about!
My workday starts every morning between 7:35 and 7:40am. That’s when I slide into my office turn on the lights sit down in front of the PC that is always on (Turning it off will require a wasted 3 minutes of watching a series of boot screens and Corporate Privacy Statements - Yes I know you are my Overlord Oh mightly Compaq Laptop!!!).
I read all the morning emails that have grouped into my mailbox and then wander over to get a cup of coffee.
Coffee. I love you my dark Colombian mistress of caffeine. This is a serious addiction.
I not only require coffee, but GOOD coffee, (I’m sure there is a Coke addict snob that will back me up here). I have my own coffee brewer in my office stocked with Starbucks and Peets coffees.
But that was not enough. Two months ago I purchased an Espresso machine. MY GOD DO I GET WIRED!!! I have the energy of ten normal coffee drinkers.
But here is the rub; with a recent lightness of work activity I have nowhere to channel this energy, (Unless eating Altoids and going to the bathroom every five minutes counts as work these days).
Minesweeper is POINTLESS when hopped up on Espresso. As is doing any real work.
This reminds me of an old drug commercial:
I do cocaine to keep me awake to make more money --> I need more money to buy cocaine*
Now lets try it with Espresso:
I drink Espresso to keep me awake to make more money --> I need more money to buy Espresso
*Did I not say there must have been cocaine snobs?!?
(Speaking of Drugs, I have a photo of Barry McCaffrey and I prior to his gig as Drug Enforcement Agency Director. He was just old Four Star General McCaffrey to us fellas back then…I’ll post it tomorrow with the story of the dorky look).
An employee at work brought in some vegetables from her garden last Friday, (Organic? GMF?) And I snagged three red tomatoes, a big fat green one for frying, and one single jalapeno pepper.
I had been dying since then to make some jalapeno cornbread. (Side Note: Northern Cornbread = Sweet. Southern Cornbread = Not Sweet. Incidentally there is also a Sweet/Non-Sweet Ice Tea Line too.) So last night I finally found a meal to toss it into. I made a Cornbread Pizza.
Cornbread Pizza
1 bag Turkey Pepperoni
½ Diced Red Pepper
¼ Diced White Onion
½ Diced Jalapeno Pepper (Remove Seeds)
3 tbs Olive Oil
1 Package of Cornbread Mix (Less sugar)
1 tsp Kosher Salt
½ Cup Mozzarella Cheese
Preheat Oven to 400°
In oven safe pan (Cast Iron) add oil, salt, Red Pepper, White Onion, and Jalapeno Pepper. Sauté till onions brown.
While waiting for vegetable to cook, make Cornbread mix.
Take the sautéed veggies and dump them into the completed Cornbread batter. Fold them into the mix along with half the bag of Turkey Pepperoni.
Quickly take batter and return to pan used for Sautéing, spread evenly in pan. Place in preheated oven for 20 minutes or until fork inserted into the center comes out clean.
Remove from oven, place mozzarella cheese on top replace in oven for 3 minutes. Remove and eat!
While in the midst and directly after cutting the Jalapeno Pepper I managed to touch the following areas:
1. Nose
2. Lips
3. Under Left Eye
4. Bathing Suit Parts
I’ve created a flow to explain the touching. (I can also show it on a doll, but please by appointment only).
• During Chopping of Jalapeno --> Lips
• Freak out at sudden discomfort --> Attempts to wash lips touches nose and under eye
• Begin really freaking out --> Run to bathroom WASH HANDS then wash face again and again with differing products
-->Soap and Water
-->Rubbing Alcohol
-->Milk
• Pain subsides --> Urinate.
• Sudden burning in groan region (No, during the washing of my hands and urinating I did not engage in any extramarital activates) --> Jalapeno was under fingertip. Scream and perform cleansing again with the following products
-->Soap and Water
-->Rubbing Alcohol
-->Milk
So please enjoy the Cornbread Pizza, but use proper precautions!
Here is a tidbit, I sent $5 to the Special Olympics at a moment of human kindness and the most amazing things happened!
Here is what they can do for five dollars:
· Received 2 solicitation calls a month
· Received 2 emails a month touting how great they were and the need for more money
· At least 3 postal mailings a month that included one of the following in addition to requests for more money:
--->Free address stickers
--->Picture of child running in a race (Arms of child are usually flailing about)
---> Sticker for car
·New solicitations from other great charitable organizations using all the above mediums
In these times of tighter economic spending, I am very happy to see that the Special Olympics can make my contribution go sooooooo far!
I Love Technology. I firmly believe that we can achieve a better quality of life through the use of technologies. Gene technology on my food is just fine and dandy with me!
But my Wife suggests that good old nature’s Organic Food is better. And we pay an arm and a leg to stock the fridge with organic goods.
So today we are going to take a pro and con look at both:
Genetically Modified Food (GMF)
PRO:
1. It can contain additional Vitamins and Minerals that were not there before
2. Beef, Pork, Fish, etc can all be leaner now
3. It can glow with the infusion of certain types of jellyfish genes
4. Crops can grow in places never before
5. It becomes less expensive to produce foodstuffs
6. Did I mention it can glow?!
7. Food oftentimes looks fabulous. (Look at those perfect Red Peppers at the store)
8. We will one day have boneless square cows to put in the refrigerator
CON:
1. It glows
2. Crops can destroy or cross-pollinate with other crops forming a super intelligent evil crop!
3. Due to the “sameness” of the genes, genes have to be reengineered occasionally to keep from being wiped out by one little disease
4. Guy with white lab jacket, a mortgage and two car payments who’s wife is sleeping with Phil the waiter at Outback Steakhouse is making our future food.
5. We will need larger fridges to hold our square cows!
Organic Food
PRO
1. It is the way nature intended it be
2. It does not screw with the way a body needs to break it down
3. Does not glow
4. It supports a small industry
5. Tells the world (a.k.a – Grocery Store Cashier) that we care about the world
6. Is generally cruelty free to soon to be processed animals
CON:
1. It is EXPENSIVE
2. It oftentimes looks crappy compared to its genetically modified Uber-crop brethren.
3. Secretly may be just old fashion GMF
4. Did I mention the cost thing!?!
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