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the ultimate paradox/the road not taken
i had sent my appraisal form a week late and it sparked my boss's anger. she had accused me of not taking this evaluation stuff seriously. i was stucked in her room for two and a half hours (which was a record) listening to her babbling about my performance over the last one year.
she said even though i'm great at my job, she sensed that i'm becoming bored with it. she said i was too comfortable with my job and she didnt see any potential in me, in another word i didnt help generate the income for the department. well, if you wanted me to come out with ideas on how to generate income for the department, you might as well let me be the manager. sheesh!
she was right about one thing though. i had reached a point where i just didnt care anymore and that's not a good sign. it wasn't so much the job itself but it's the BOSS that i couldnt stand. my God! i'd never in my life met such a control-freak like her.
i can't believe i have been working here for four years, no wonder i am getting restless. my job has become mundane. however, i do have great colleagues. they are precious. maybe we are close to each other because our boss is such a domineering blackhearted lady. for four years, i'd seen her playing mind games with a couple of colleagues and drove them crazy. it's like you are damned if you do it and damned if you don't. and they did leave the company when the pressure had become too much. and all that because for some reasons, the Lady didnt like them.
actually, i am the ultimate paradox. one part of me doesn't want to leave my comfort zone. one part of me doesn't mind doing the boring job that is basically just a standard operation and i don't want to think outside the box and no matter how powerful my boss is she can't force me to do anything i don't want to. yes, i'd been offered jobs left and right over the last two years but this stubborn part of me didn't want to let go of the comfort zone. i didn't want to leave my friends and the truth was i was not getting any younger.
however, the adventurous part of me had become very dominant lately. it urged me to leave my job and spread my wings and try a new pasture. it's just like robert frost's poem - the road not taken:-
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
am i braved enough to choose the road less traveled? can i just chucked everything and to hell with it? it's very tempting but life is about responsibility isn't it?
how the hell did i end up doing a job that i didn't love in the first place? did i sell my soul so i could have a better salary? do i really want to start again? doing a job that will drain me physically and mentally but so very satisfactorily or doing mundane job that give me lots of spare times (maybe that's why i have time to write my weblog).
a lot of people were disappointed in me when they first found out about my job. they were so not impressed with the executive titled that i have. well, i didn't blame them.
for a person whose original ambition was to be a war correspondent/photojournalist, ended up doing office job is a terrible "sin" indeed...
last modified Jul 16, 2004 at 1:46
carlos: thanks my friend. i wish u luck too. ;-)
I am myself at a cross road with my job. I am beginning to see the true colour of my boss and starting to feel uncomfortable with it . Well I guess we share the same boss who always wants to be in control to the extend that it annoys the hell out of me. To me if you wants somebody to do your donkey work for you without questioning then you got the wrong guy for this job . It has been 2 years now that I have worked here , and recently I have reached my u goal in this job . My next step is to deliver the "goods" to the customer and prepare for my next journey . 2 years I guess is more than enough especially when you have to bare with a boss who does not want to take any accountability when it is so obvious that we have thrashed out everytihng with him before we make any decision . Especialyy when the result of that decision did not favour the company at the end . I am seriously sick and tired of trying to understand his management style which drives me up against the wall all the time . So sis dont worry responsibilties aside , u have to declare it "game over" when u feel it is affecting and draining you mentally and physically .
dania: alamak dania, i must have been in a confused state-of-mind at the time. me a lecturer, hehehe...unthinkable right? but still, it's a good experience.
zz: what's wrong zz, u want to change ur profession too? 
how abt me :-(
I must say, since I've known you, I am quite immune with the fact you would change professions every once in a while and to tell you the truth, this one you're with, is quite an amusement for me. You don't seem to stick with one particular job for so long. And now the master has spoken again. Well, it's the journey that counts, you embark on a new journey to get more experience in order to pursue what you desire. Something like that. But Hoh, that poem, I've analyzed it far too deep to remember it all over again.
Now you reminded me of the poem already. It's quite a simple yet sad poem. Sigh. Come to think of it, Now I don't know what I'm doing.
You'll come around anyway ! You'll have fun! Still, you being a lecturer seems a bit wild all these years to compare with other jobs you had ;)
pires: we shared the spirit of a vagabond.
rainbowboy: aku tak dapat jadi seorang war correspondent tapi hanya berpeluang berkawan dgn seorang war correspondent. hanya melalui cerita-ceritanya sahaja yg dapat mengubat luka cita-cita yang tak kesampaian.
khalil: i am a coward.:-(
durianbelanda:tak boleh, akak kena blah dulu sebelum kau orang semua blah. hehehe...
saorangorang: thanks for the compliment. hehehe..insyaAllah mungkin satu hari nanti.
war correspondent/photojournalist ? wow !
tapi sports journalist pun boleh ni... or jadi editor majalah kerrang m'sia version...etc etc etc
well, semuga selamat semuanya, no matter which road you take !
alamak sis.....sesungguhnya kita yang nak blah dulu, tahu2 semua dah nak tinggalkan kita....nampak gaya, lepas pantang, semuanya dah takde di sisi.....sedihnya.....anyway....best of luck to all my friends......
Change is always difficult. But sometimes you have to change. Are you willing to do so?
dua jalan di hutan
aku memilih jalan yang kurang dilalui
dan itulah perbezaannya..
War correspondent/Photojournalist :b tentunya sesuatu yang menarik dan mencabar untuk ditempuhi alamnya..
it is indeed a terrible sin to waste whatever u store in that brilliant head of yours and slog for that blackhearted lady. it is never too late to start anew, and i believe u have the courage to do it. don't let urself become the dustbin in the company...4 years seemed remarkably long, for i've been with this co for only 1 1/2 years ++ and i felt more than crazy...yeah...u go girl...send in the letter b4 k maya...hehehe...
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