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something ordinary
last modified Sep 4, 2004 at 7:15
so far everything is ok with me and my new room. It's almost all has been set-up, just some little thing that i need so time to decorate it.
I have to watch out my spending this time. I dont want to overspend again. I want to put all my wages into my saving and NEVER TAKE IT OUT!!! i'm bad at saving money...and it always ended me in trouble.
hmmmm....nothing much to say...so later
i read something that really about me...it is about "priortize about me first" thing.
i'm not kind of person that think too much about myself. i always suppressed whatever i am thinking negatively about myself. Like my fallen academic life, like the thing that i dont like about myself. I do talk about that but i will not worry about it. I think i am the only person with this attitude. When other people (i.e "friends") were in trouble and need someone to talk to, i always be there for them. but when its my turn to express what i am thinking inside...there is no one for me. And that's make me what i am right now,
i dont care about myself much. If i fail , if i am doing great, i dont give a hell about that...
i dont want to neglect myself...but i dont want to feel hurt too
hmmmm dunno
maybe i'm just blabbering
i feel good today, just got my result and fortunately it was ok..it turns out good and i'm very pleased of that...
i want to change myself, now i got a new resolution, i want to get 4 flat this time and bring out a new me,
i dont want this happiness to end... i want to do it gradually, i know my capabilities now. I know i can do it...its just i dont give my hundred person
i'm so tired today, need sleep...really good sleep
nite journal...better day tomorrow i hope
i dunno if running away from here is the good thing...life is too unbearable for me...
the pressure is too much....this is not my place
i dont have heart in here anymore :(
tak suka tak suka tak suka
too much problem in my head right now!!!
dengan boyfriend nyer lagi,dengan exam nyer lagi
seriously aku tak sabar him going to sail...so that i can give myself one hundred percent on my study...
enough od this fucked up
i really need to change....
PLEASE HELP ME TO CHANGE!!
seriously i need help...but i doubt anyone can give me any help out there
ntah seriously i dun think im belong here...life's too tough for me, and im too weak...
i may look tough...but i cant win the battle within myself.
i became overweight....i became sober...
this is the consequences being too weak
nobody understand and nobody willing to understand
i hate the self i am right now
everything so fucked up!
to myself:
maybe i shouldnt do this....
:(
currently im looping songs from WEEZER...and it make me think of my losng-lost friend:: RUBENA and WAN AZURA.
guys....if u ever cross this site...gimme a shout-out...
miss u guys so much
today is our anniversary but i cant say happy anniversary to him....because i know he'll mad .....
i almost break down in tear in library when i think about this,,,,im so sad....feel so sad :(
Macy Gray
I Try
Games, changes and fears
When will they go from here
When will they stop
I believe that fate has brought us here
And we should be together
But wer,e not
I play it off but I'm dreamin of you
I'll keep it cool but I'm fiendin.
I try to say goodbye and I choke
I try to walk away and I stumble
Though I try to hide it it's clear
My world crumbles when you are not near
Goodbye and I choke
I try to walk away and I stumble
Though I try to hide it, it's clear
My world crumbles when you are not near
I may appear to be free
But I'm just a prisoner of your love
I may seem alright and smile when you leave
But my smiles are just a front
I play it off but I'm dreamin of you
I'll keep my cool but I'm fiendin
I try to say goodbye and I choke
I try to walk away and I stumble
Though I try to hide it it's clear
My world crumbles when you are not near
Here is my confession
May I be your possesion
Boy I need your touch
Your love kisses and such
With all my might I try
But this I can't deny
I play it off but im dreamin of you
I'll keep my cool but I'm fiendin
I try to say good bye and I choke
I try to walk away and I stumble
Though I try to hide it it's clear
My world crumbles when you are not near
yes.....i try to run away and totally forget about him...but i just cant! I even cant imagine myself with him...
because i love him so much
i feel wasted
hmmmm....feeling happy today....i got my new sandals  my new strapless bra...my new inflatable chair....all in one day...it was so cool!!! i love todayyyyyyyy....
yeah i love shoes most. I mean i dont have a perfect body...so i cant have fetish with clothes( although i love tops!) so i shifts to my feet....yeah...they are not perfect either but i dont care!!! those sandals and shoes make my feet look so beautiful...i love!!
hmmmm need to tidy up my room...i need so mood to start studying!
.......
You have an entrancing kiss~ the kind that leaves
your partner bedazzled and maybe even feeling
he/she is dreaming. Quite effective; the kiss
that never lessens and always blows your
partner away like the first time.
What kind of kiss are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
im trying to make some muscle today....
hmmmm
i do :
the ballerina move- 15 times
dumbell workout for back arm -15 times
dumbell workout for front arm -15 times
sit up - 15 times
hmmmm feel good today
what else.. yeah tomorrow i'll spend a good one hour on the dumbell really want to get rid those flabby arm, leg , stomach, butt...
i dont feel right about my final exam next week. I mean...i barely study this weekend....i just make some meeting with my friend to start study tomorrow but that aint enough...
why i feel too relax heyyyyyyy come on baby....u got exammmmmmmmmmmmmm
warghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
You are a slave
Which Ultimate Beautiful Woman are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
i kept giving chance after chance to him and its killing me!! he never appreciate what ive done to him and yet still blaming me for all the bad things happened, even it is not my fault!!!
i hate him so much right now....he destroy the gift that i gave him...i seriously hate him right now....,
go and fuck yourself!!!!!!!!!!!!1
one sign of depression is over sleeping and that what i am right now...i sleep too much these day...i feel like i dont care about the final ahead of me i feel so sleepy all the time. And guess what....last night i sleep from 8.00 pm(right after i finished watching Lizzie McGuire) and the when i open my eyes...its already 9.00 am! gosh....but i still feel like sleeping right now.
and when i pick the newspaper today the front page is about combat the depression hmmmm.... i think the newspaper guy knew me?!
im craving for subway right now..
oh ya! i feel so fat today so i go back to my room and changed my outfit!! those red tee makes me look absolutely fat!!!!
i am weak! yes i am!!! this evening i was fighting with myself on either i should buy the chinese food that i dont even like to eat....but im craving for. I spent 30 minutes(seriously!!) trying to restrain myself from fetching the phone and start dialing that devil number! but i'm failed!! i let myself succumbed to this urge to eat!! arghhhh really hate myself right now!! really want to throw out those $16 worth of food! gosh....
but i feel good too today...i just send my family some stuff(shirt cap etc) and managed to register myself into the aerobic class...wohoo!!im officially in that class already
can wait for my new shoes and new tight to arrive and mostly can wait to feel good!!!!!!!(im sick of being big!!)
i hate coffee and its affiliate...mocha, expresso, latte and all those....they just suck. I hate the taste of a coffee and how it brings headache to me... i hate the smell of those coffee and how it still in my body (it makes my urine smell like coffee) but i love caffein. I love those drug that keep you awake when you want to sleep( just because you keep refilling those large Coke at McDonald)..i love those drug in the coke..(see the connection here...coke cocaine caffein?) i didnt even realize it when i drink it... but i hate coffee ..they stinks!!!!
hmmmm i have a messy day....to start...i have to encounter the snow storm (snow blizzard in spring?) those tiny little cold snow kept smashing into my spec and sometime find thei way to hurting my eyes...not to say how they rudely vanishing the moisture of my Olay's beauty liquid from my face...and make the eerie flake come out from my arms' skin(yeah....its not my fault my body lotion has dried out!) then my laziness of taking shower in the wee hour in the morning finally punished me... i spend two hours feeling icky and have to go back home (and cut my Chem class!) just to shower...after the tingling sensation after shower...it feel incomplete if i am not taking the nap in the cold weather like this.... the result!?I AM MISTAKENLY THOUGHT THAT MY SHIFT STARTED AT 530 WHILE IM SUPPOSED AT WORK AT 330!!!no wonder when i arrived everyone has started eating! gosh !! i hate today and i hate everyone and everything...
yadayada,,,,now i have some sleep to do...chiow babe
i was so happy today.... i watched two absolutely brilliant movie in a day....it was since a long time i have seen such an artistic movie..hmmmm
yeah... i just finished a french movie.."Amelie" yeah..the movie kind of absurd...but the anticipation that i felt watching it is priceless....man..i dunno that there are a people who is so creative and geniud in movie making...this is amazing!!! i love it...
i love the benginning...i love the plot... i love the ending...a perfect ending
hmmmm go see it yourselves...it is nice!
i am really into michael moore right now...you know..the guy that make Bowling For Columbine and the Boom! videoclip.He's so translucent in his work...very straight very un-twisting. I really respect him on what he has done in the documentary....i mean wow!!!! it is really a standing job there. The fear feel by American...he brought it up to the surface and relate it on the shooting tragedy. And how he compared the rate of gun - owning and murders in America and Canada..he's such a brilliant guy... ANd the way he "shoot" Kmart and the NRA president....nobody can deny his honesty in this film....
i never wanted to watch this movie if i didnt watch the mtv of SOAD "Boom!" The music video is as honest as the documentary in which he trying to convey that although millions of people willing to voice out the concern about war (and for sure the are more, like me, who just against the war in silence)...MILLIONS OF PEOPLE ALL AROUND THE WORLD RALLIED AGAINST WAR!!And Bush still go on with those war....really....Bush is just a scaredy chicken ...just like many american...who blame everyone but themselves for all the "evil" in the world....
if Michael Moore read this....(which i believe he'll not)...i just want him to know....Honesty is the best policy and Mr Moore....i really admire your honest work....i really hope that the message that you trying to convey will get at everyone and i hope...anyone who watch you genius work can spend a time to think and reflect... what really make this world a better place....
buy myself a new white jumper(looks cool to me!) a new reebok shoe and a new tight short...seem like going for a jog right...actually i am! i cant wait for the spring to come. I want to register myself into those nice step aerobic which actually cost me $55 bucks!!! but i dont care...i have this resolution...by summer i want to lose at least 30 pound...and thats mean no more food delivery for me...only those good cooking (or not at all) meal and those aerobic class and maybe(i said maybe) jogging or rollerblading. I'm determined in losing my weight. I've been feeling unhealthy this few month and it depressing!(i know all the "big" people out there knows what i feel) i want to get back to normal weight that i've been before. Not too skinny not fat...just nice shape(nice by my standard of course)...
really...being fat is depressing. you walk in the store and come out so frustrated because you took those size 12 (!!) pants and dont even can get into it...and you too ashamed to try those 14's size (or maybe feel scared...what if i dont even can wear those?) this is what i feel...being size 12 is bad enough...but >14? its depressing,
i know this feeling because im fat. I dont even fit into those khaki's pant that i love most(because it was so baggy the time i bought them) and it hurts me much. But it is really my fault,I am too lazy to shake my ass and let those fat goes away...im just too lazy...i hope this spring will bring good news to me...im desperately need to lose some pounds!!!!
yeah yeah...enough of my rambling about my ugliness. But i dont care...im cute and i know if i lose some fat...i'll be even cuter...so aerobic class!! here i come!!
im feeling fresh right now...those Tylenol PM is so strong that i am not capable to go to class today...i miss all my two classes today and gosh! i miss the class that i love most: my Math class.
Physics test last night is quite ok. But as usual...i dont want to put any hope on it since i know i'll be disappointed later.Hmmm...i do some thinking last night and i think i'll be better in EE not in the stuff im in right now
hmmmm i dunno
dunno what i should do...smiling for the money that i just received..or grieving for my fucking chemistry test?....
feel so tense right now...wanna know why?
i just got back my test back and just got 76 while i'm aiming for 80+...hmmmm then i got this physics test tonight....hope i wont mess up this test again
just surfing to find some fact about this group Evanescence...i guess their song is the soundtrack for Daredevil... yeah the song is OK but when i surfed their website... i stumbled with this line which for me is so sweet
<quote>
She then impressed me further with songs that she had written. I thought I was in heaven. But then she sang. I nearly died. coming from this tiny little youth camp reject was one of the most powerful, beautiful voicies I'd ever heard. So I somehow convinced her to never play with anyone else again and she's been mine ever since.
<unquote>
gosh...that was so cool! this is the kind of guy that i like...the one who is not to egoistic to confess their feeling. I really hate guys that being "too macho" didnt want to admit that what they really had inside. I mean...come on! there's nothing wrong to admit to everyone that you feel heavenly when you being with someone...i mean she need some credit too right after giving you that helluva lovely time!
hmmmm....ok enough being this mushy.. i need some sleep
something to worry about:: although i sleep a lot lately...i never have the relaxing nap that i always had before. i mean i didnt wake up feeling fresh....hmmmm.... maybe the tension
i feel so tired today..got chemistry exam just now..feling better after the test...only that i didnt put so much hope on this test..i've been fooled twice by my own hope. Now? i dunt want to say what im expect to get this time. But seriously, i didnt put much effort on this test although it much much garder than previoud test...
hmmmm one down...one more to go before final
gosh!i hate this US system...too much exam!
oh ya...found this cool vid by system of a down...i remember that before the Toxicity album come out...only me know this group..now? dont have heart anymore...everyone love them(yuck!?) whatever....this vid rock:BOOM!
i need to sleep...want to start fresh tomorrow and study for physics!
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