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something ordinary
last modified Sep 4, 2004 at 7:15
i browse someone's wedding pic
and the guy's face resemble my bf a little bit
and immediately i feel the pang in my heart
i miss him
i really want him at the moment
right now
so i can run my finger through his messy hair
and let him know that i love him so much
days without him is so teribble
damn it!
DONT WANT THIS SEPARATION ANYMORE!!!
i want him
now
....
please....
i miss you dear
have a weird dream last night
the setting is somewhat like univ in malaysia
and im dreaming about my exam (which is tonight)
it started with im xeroxing some paper
and meet this guy in the xerox room
kinda cute but short
then suddenly i went back to my room and began my online test
poof again
then there is this one guy (i supposed he;s my bf in that dream)
wearing pink "baju melayu"
with dark choc "sampin"
weird eh!!
and i dont know a single person in that dream
even the pc im using is not mine
but seriously
i dreamed about the exam too much
hah
back to the reality
i think im ok to get to the test tonight
just a few question that im not really understand
need to ask my tutor after this
today's menu:
mandi!-go to bookstore to get my book-post some stuff-back to library-read some note and maybe memorize something-go to class-go to office hours after that-go to study group-exam!-MAKAN!!!!
waaaa where is my money!!
dont forget to breath!!
i decided to let myself "breathe" for a few hours today
need to relax and digest everything that i read so that i can understand it when i re-read it tonight
wish me luck
tomorrow is the organic chemistry' first exam
i want to do well in this class
i really like it!!
wish me luck
cause this is the "hardest " course in the U!!
miss him so very much!!!
uh uh uh
havent finished studying for the tuesday exam yet
and for the friday exam?
havent started a single thing
sleep for straight 12 hrs yesterday
why?
physical exhaustion, emotional depression
everything is so mixed up
feel scared to face 2 exams next week
and i miss him so much
see...i cant even think how to put my thought in words
literally this is what in my mind:
i miss him
i have two exams
i did not go to chem lecture this morning
i feel disoriented
i feel blur
dont want to go to work
i want to jog but the weather is too cold
i want to jog but i know i just cant
i want to go out and feel the air but i cant afford it
i need someone to talk to
i feel sad
seriously
i just feel sad and lonely
gosh...now i know why im such a sober
and Erra Fazira as a fat girl is not cool at all....
it is insulting
(hello....im the real fat girl here!!)
she dont even know how to act
nor she can "act" as a fat girl
and for the info
cinta colesterol=shallow hal
please stop the imitation
if u want to stop us from buy pirated cd
no mainstream movie in malaysia is original
so why bother to buy the original?
well....
the quiz goes well
although i dont know the answer for the first question
but the heck
at least i know how to do the other question
feeling bloaty today
really hate me and my fat image in the mirror
it is so damn ugly
got quiz tomorrow...
i suck at my first quiz
need to make it up tomorrow
wish me luck
i need a lot of them
omg
HE CALLED ME!!!!
i was surprised!
first his letter
then his voice
it wa difficult though
cause the line is so bad
and i kept guessing the words from his mouth
and i know he did it too
first talk sweetly to me
in the middle of the conversation
he get mad
about pity things
and dont want to talk to me
although i called like million time
so went to sleep i goes
however
he wakes me up
with thousand apologies
what else did i need
apart from i-love-you
and im-sorry
im so in love
so deeply in love
with him...
cant wait to see him again
i have to wait
until he got back
and until i fly over there
to taste his sweetness again
i miss him
terribly
XXX
almost fell off the stair just now
damn the cleaner
didnot put the sign on the wet floor
break my favorite ring
and hurt myself
n im ot feeling very well
i guess i miss him
totally exhausted
got letter from him today
im so happy i almost cry
seeing his words
and sad too
for all the trouble that he's gone through
life must be hard to him
i want him back beside me
as soon as possible
i miss him terribly
wanna talk to him
6 month to go
and he's going to be my sweet baby again
miss him
darling.....
just be patient
the time will come
just be strong
cause im here praying for you
for i miss you
and i love you
terribly
darling...
please come back
i cant take this pain anymore
and i dont want you to feel hurt too
just take care of yourself honey
i miss you
have trouble sleeping last night
i dunno why..
maybe because i took a long nap in the afternoon
but really that's killing me
i really savor my sleep time
when i kept tossing in the bed
i decided to sleep on the floor
so the floor then i goes
finally manage to close my eyes although not very soundly
wake up feeling very tired
what have i done for this few days
right now in track to lose my weight
now have some strength to fight the urge to eat
no rice until weekend
no heavy food
more on yogurt and cereal
w/ controlled portion
i hope this will work
whoever have any working diet plan please let me know
at least now i can control
but still cant let go the midnite snack habit
turn up my essay yesterday
i hope i get a fair mark for it
really want to get good grades this semester
wish me luck
ok im off to see my study group
changed my almost-finished essay yesterday
shit happens!
after spending almost 3 hrs on the new essay
finally have someone to proof-read it
but after she's done
she forgot to save
damnit!!
have to go through with the proofreading again
hmmmmm
but i extremely satisfied with the new essay
much much better that the last one
have to go to the library again today
i have to finished i completely and send it around to my friends to proofread it
well, i just need some closing conclusion with kicking punchline
wish me luck!
u never get what u want
same goes to me
studying my ass off
still flunked my first quiz
working my butt off
still get that salary
damnit!!
give too much
get too little
called my parents yesterday....
hahahahah they are mad at me cause i havent called home for a month!
nothing interesting back home
got my paycheck yerterday
hmmmm i was expected a raise
but there's none
maybe i need one more semester
what else's new?
hahhaha bought myself a new sneaker!
well that's the first thing i bought with my fist paychecks of the year
heheheheh
one more news
a good news
i finally break my weight plateau (i really think so!)
yeah
4 days of fasting i already lost 5lbs!!!!
and one more pound today (after eating my dinner!)
and officially i break my plateau
need to keep on fasting
and losing weight
50 more pounds to go!!!!
sigh!!!
can i make it?
dont want to talk much about this
im afraid it will be another failed attempted diet
wish me luck
this is not easy
i wish he was here to support me
tomorrow gonna get my paycheck...hopefully get at least $150 after tax
the tax is eating my money!
and im not even a resident here!
hmmmm life's pretty harsh lately
sleeping late
wake up late too!
miss my class yesterday and tarnished my good record
ah~
got class
need to go
stupid cable!!!
just when i need a rest from the hectic day....
i feel empty....
its hard to befriend demanding people...
that's the fact
my bf is a demanding person too
but his aunt drives me crazy...
i dont want to be rude
but i just hate it when you feel like you owe someone something
and that someone also know that you feel like owing him/her
and take advantage of it
i have my own problem
please dont push me around to dance in your circle
you're one reason why im so depressed in this room
annoying message
intend to make me angry
im will not succumbed to your childish act
come on
you're middle age now
why im the one who has to act like a grown up
please
settle your own problem
i can lend my ear to hear it
but by no mean i will not find the solution for you
i have my own life
and please steer away from me
cause you know i cant tolerate you
damn!!
almost finished my 5-pages essay...
4 hrs in the lab surely being the factor.
i have my own computer in my room
much better computer than the one in the lab
but working in my room is deeply depressing
he's everywhere in my room
the phone aint ringing
the messenger didnt beeping
i have to go away from this room
i know i will not accomplished anything if i staying in
and today i proudly almost finished my paper....2 pages to go and im done
im hoping to get a better result everyday
that's why each day i must at least accomplished something
homework, self-study, reading for the next class
must have a good result
im tired being dumb
im smart and i know it
lazy is not my favorite word now
and to succeed i have to push myself to the top
im feeling very tired right now
tomorrow i will fasting again
the fall is coming
i can feel the chill breeze
and shower in the falling breeze
i love fall
and i love winter even more
ok need to sleep
im fasting today....
i want to tried new method of dieting...introduced to me by my beloved friend
she done that and manage to lost 2 kg in 2 weeks
that's an achievement
i've gained back my weight
and i really depressed about it
my problem is i dont have supporter
nobody encourage me to lose weight
[and calling me fat is not an encouragement okey!!]
dieting involve strictly controlled choosen food
and a very strong will
i failed cause i dont have strong will
this is killing me
now i have an Elle pant waiting for me to downsize myself
so that i can brought her out
Poor Elle pant
She still in the closet
i want to get into the right weight
slim is not my priority
i need to go out from this "dangerous zone" of BMI
and being normal
this is hard
i know it
i wish i have someone to share my feeling with
its raining outside.....and there's a grey cloud in my heart
i miss him terribly....
i want him back
i want to hear him encourage me to get good mark
i want him to say sweet words to me
i miss him
just got back from the library...its 2.00 am and seriously i dont even feel sleepy for the whole 5 hrs i was there just now...
i am determined this time
i will do whatever its take to get a good result this term...
i want to prove that i am still the "clever" one....the "best" one
i've take thing for granted before and i truly regret it
i have the opportunity now
and i know i can do it if i try
and im trying right now
hmmmm its time for me to sleep now
i also has got my precious MD player...damn!! its so small and i am totally in love with my MD 
finally after waiting in agony for weeks...this danchan manage to load properly....
what's new?
He called me!!yeahhhhhhhh!!!!!!!
i wrote this entry on the day he called me
9/9
have a very very happy day today
after a month plus living alone in this lonely room finally i manage to have a happy day
He called me from France!!!
i was so shocked when he woke me up and hearing that familiar voice make me jump outta my bed
damn i miss him!
at first we cant talk long since there is other ppl who want to use the phone
then he promised to call me again later in the evening
so i decided to skip my discussion
only got one class so i just emailed the intructor and told him i got some "personal issue"
hehehhee
the i wait for him....i cant sleep after that
i kept rechecking my new phone [this one got caller id ] to make sure im not dreaming
and then he called
with that sweet voice
make me melt
a first i thought it gonna be a short call
then he told me that the phone cost will be deducted from his allowance
and he doesnt care
and i was crying happily at that moment
he's having hard time with his job
and kept complaining
i even begged him not to continue with that job after his graduation
and he will think about that
the separation is killing me!!!!!
then we talk some mushy stuff
really relieved to hear the "I-Love-You-So-Much" word from his own mouth
and of course i gave him abundance of i-miss-u and i-love-you
i really cant help myself
we exchanged stories about what happens
at least the significant things
hmmmm
we talked about an hour and surely that;s not enough
but at least i know what happened in his life
and he kept ensured that he love me
that's make me smile for the whole day
i miss him so much
he sounded so happy just like i am
and he told me that this is the first time he really laughing from his heart
just like me
i miss him
i totally miss him
what else? school started to bring pressure to me...that's nice cause now i've learned from my past...i should start working hard now and i believe i am!i do my homework...i do my reading before class...i mean its totally useful for me....i should've done that before
i hope i can achieve something this term...i dont want to take easy of everything
tension!!!!
my bf called me from Italy this morning and im in class.Her mom called me and told me that he cant reached me....
im so sad when i know about that...
i dream about him the night before....and when the reality come...im not there to savor his voice
:((
i really hope he's doing well....his mom said he complaining that he got many works and i really pity him...
i should be the first person to talk to him...damnit!!
i'm so sad!!
i want to talk to him
:((
i woke up early....again! that's an achievement for me...
but i kept receiving this anonymous caller, who hung up after i said hello....
my intention saying that;s not my bf....there's no way he can hung up after a month not hearing my voice
damn!!cant wait for my phone to come.The phone got caller id, so i can track who is the person who calling me like 6 a.m in the morning!!
last night i dream of him....maybe because i kept mentioning about him to my friend
*sigh*
i miss him :(
terribly exhausted!!!!
off to my first lecture and there's 3 of it
im having nervous breakdown of not being able to do well in all those class
wish me luck.....and good grades
i need those at this time
just now i watched the old Friends episode.Not from the beginning though..it was about Monica is afraid to marry chandler...she's talking about the "rush" of seeing anyone new..you know..when you like someone and you feel the "anxiety, palm sweating..dehydrating...."Monica afraid the marriage will make her losing the feeling of "rush"
and i think that is what im missing in my life....
me and my bf is so close that there's no secret between us...it feels like he is me and i know he feeling the same way too
i never have this "butterfly in the stomach" each time he called...unlike 2 yrs ago...whenever his number appear in my hp screen ...i can even hear the rythmn of my heart's beat.
i miss the feeling...the rush feeling
i know with our relationship there is no way i will feel it again
hmmmm maybe on the day we engage or maybe [insyaAllah] on the day we wed...
after marriage?
who knows
but right now...with i never heard his voice for almost a month now...i guess when he call i will have this rush again
cause i miss him teribbly
merdeka?
heh...everyone seems like talking about it?
me?
nah...it's just a date for me
furthermore i cant see the marching on the tv, or hear the fireworks crackle in the sky
so no merdeka feeling for me
hmmmm
but i got a nice memory of national day actually
it was 2 yrs ago when me and my friend decided to go to Kl on the eve of merdeka day. we want to go for a movie in the klcc.it was an impulse thinking actually
we went out from the hostel about 7 pm and arrived at klccat almost 9 pm
i already regret my steps because in the commuter there is a lot of ppl and i was the kind of ppl who dont like to be in the crowded place. I mean...almost two hrs ride in the commuter with various smell in it...it's a good thing i dont puke
then we off to see Senario at almost 10++..so that's mean we have like a few hrs to catch the last train after midnight...
the funny thing is after we seeing the movie...we rushed back to the putra station opposite of klcc [because the one under klcc has been closed]...at the same time ppl in the putra rushing out from the station..because the FIREWORKS is in the sky....we were like "WHOA?why ppl want to see that thing?why we dont want to see the firework?"
it's a blessing though because we can get the ticket without having to stand in line
then one thing the hostel is closed at 11pm...and we arrived at 2+
it was so funny how we can enter the hostel easily
there is a contruction going on at the hostel and the gate near my room is widely open
in fact..using that hole is a lot more easier and nearer than using the main gate!
i always associated 31/8 with nice breakfast..because it's a holiday and my mom and dad will prepare us some nice breakfast..
so for me...holiday=yummy...
seiously
i feel so afraid to study now
i still feel the frustration
i still afraid that i'll messed up again
everything is not on my side
i feel de-motivated
seriously
need someone to talk to
that special someone is so far away right now
missing him so much
i need him
im not so strong to face all the pressure
i need his soothing words to calm me down
i miss him
miss him dearly
miss him
where are you now baby
i need the encouragement word from you
i need it all
miss you
stupido
to those who being kicked out from school for being a gangster
IN YOUR FACE!! SHAME ON YOU!!
tried to be a gangster but 20 on 1?
that's no macho....
that's "dayus"
yes i am strongly against the so called "gangsterism" in
school
only those who are stupid claim themselves gangter
"tp belasah budak sekolah...."
u got satisfaction from that?
seriously man....you are no more stronger than my lil sista
only my sista did not bring her friends to beat ppl that she dont like
only my sister did not claim herself as a gangster
fuck off if you're pissed
real man dont fight!
ok enough of that
im still pissed off with many thing
the anonymous caller that kept calling my room
and then hung up after i said hello
fuck you
im terribly angry with those who disturbed my sleep
even my bf never disturb my sleep
damn
school start tomorrow
damn!!
dont want to go to school
but i need the degree!!
any rich dato' want to support me?
honestly
i feel dont want to go to school
i feel like i will not do well this time
but i need to
my cgpa is so bad right now
i havent planned how to study
dang!
i need motivation
and no one gave me
i want to do well
but i feel much like i'm too stupid
i feel afraid to do thing
i feel like i will not do well
but i need to
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