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Zaza's weblog
Kenyataan........bagaimana pahit pun ia, ia tetap satu kenyataan yg harus diterima
YG PAHIT ITULAH UBAT........
Detik bermulanya hidupku
Tika aku mengenali diri mu
Sehingga terlupa
Kaki berpijak di mana
Kau membawa ku terbang
Jauh dari nyata..................
last modified Jan 9, 2004 at 1:52
at the very wee hours this morning, i got a message from my friend. his "mak" has passed away. it is exactly 1 week from the day he got message saying his mak is critically ill.
i didn't call him. i communicate with him thru sms. i'm not sure whether i should call him not. but learning thru my experience, it is a very trying and busy time and a phone call was what i'm least expected.
furthermore being a son, the responsibility is big and definitely he'll busy preparing the burial arrangement. when i replied his msg, i asked him how is he, he replied back saying he has not sleep the whole night. pity him. but in this kind of situation, definitely, sleep will be the last thing that you would do.
i was busy the whole day. attending a toasmasters mtg and also rushing to attend a toastmaster contest which was then followed with a dinner with my 2 friends which lasted more than 3 hours. i only reached home at 10.30pm.
i msg him again asking how's the burial, the kenduri arwah and whether he has managed to catch any sleep at all. he replied telling me all were settled. he did managed to catch a few hours of sleep and told me his first experience menerima jenazah untuk dimasukkan ke liang lahad.
hmmmm.....really a new experience. how does it feel? being a woman i would never get to do it because it's men's job. but i've twice experience seeing my 2 beloved persons being laid down in a burial place. seeing from a top, the body were being laid down, i said the final goodbye in my heart. but being in the liang lahad and later on proceeded to help kambus the kubur..........how does it feel? especially when it involves person who you really loved.
we will all die someday. it will be sooner or later. but of course everybody especially me will sometime think and hoping that i will die earlier than all my beloved people.......my mom...my siblings....my loved....my friends.....because i don't want to feel the agony of losing someone u care and love very much. i want to go first before they go. namun semua berlaku dengan kehendak takdir. hanya Allah swt sahaja yg tahu bila, di mana dan bagaimana kita akan "pergi".
gosh! until now i kept asking myself whether i should have called my friend instead of sms him. have i done the right thing?
a statement in my friend's "novel" caught my eyes.
"kalau tak dapat sayang u as my future wife, dapat sayang u as a bestfriend and sis sudah la".
hhhmmmmm..........that's what i've been trying to do myself lately. if i can't love u as my future partner, loving u as my bestfriend, that would do.
though its very hard to do, i've got no other choice. i wont let myself faltered. i would keep on walking.............
last friday night, me and my friends went for our "monthly feeding". there was a lot of laughter. org tua2 kata ketawa banyak2 ni tak elok. nanti kemudian mesti menangis. most of the time, what the elderly said is correct. while we were enjoying our time (while my friends enjoying teasing me!), my friend got a call. a sad news. her "mak" (the nanny who took care of him in his younger days) is critically ill. we cut short our leisure time. (luckily we had just finished our dinner). he sent my friend and myself home and then went to hospital. when he got the news, he told me, he does not know what to feel. whether to cry or not......
when he said that, he reminded me of what i felt a long time ago.
in my 29 years of life, though i faced a lot of death but since only a few years ago i got to feel of how it is liked losing someone/people who are very near to me. both in 2 different situation. 1 year ago i lost my father. because he has been so ill for quite sometime, i have able to prepared myself for the worse. and when my father died, i did cry but most of the time i was able to compose myself.
the worst experience was when i lost someone whom i thought would be my partner in life. he died unexpectedly. he does not have any sickness and he never fall sick other than normal fever or flu. so when he died, i felt like my world goes tumbling. he died on tuesday morning. the last time i met him was on sunday night. he doesn't show any difference. on that fateful morning i have just started my work for a about 1 1/2 hours when i got the phone call from my friend. at first i can't believe it. i called his family house in kelantan to confirm. when they told me that it was true, for a few minutes i just sat there dumb founded. after regaining my composure, i packed my things, took an emergency leave and went to the hospital. his body was only released in the afternoon and after settling a few things, myself and his brother accompany his body back to kelantan. throughout the journey (> 8 hours) i didnt cry at all. i kept asking myself how come i didnt know what or how to feel. i felt numb. i kept asking why is it i can't cry. why my tears refused to come out. i should be crying right? even when i called my housemate when i stop for a short break, she cried over the phone but myself i can't cry. even when i saw them burying him, i didn't cry.
the reality of the whole thing only hit me when i woke up the following morning. after 2 hours of sleep, when i open my eyes, then i realised i won't be able to see him anymore. since then until a fews days after that and even a few months, my tears can't stop flowing out. my eyes were red and puffy. every night i would cry myself to sleep. i missed him so much that i hug his things when i go to sleep. when i can't sleep, i even wrote letters to him.
funny how people will react to death!
i guest why i react so like that, maybe because he left so suddenly. no warning..no nothing.....i don't even have the chance to say goodbye to him. the only thing that i don't regret is that i have let him know that i love him. (girls are more expressive). i always make sure that i let him know how much i love him. when he leaved me so suddenly, i don't regret that i had done what i should have done.
well! my friend's mak is still critically ill. her kidney has failed and she is in CCU now. the least i could do is to tell him to take a very good care of her and to be prepare for the worst. i've been through a sad phase in my life and i know this is the time when friends are needed. no doubt he has a lot of other friends but still i would always be there when he needs me.
i'm not feeling very well. this week has been a hectic week for me. rushing here and there. my sister has finally reached Sabah safely last Wednesday. The whole family except my youngest brother was there at the KLIA sending her off. she was attached at a religious school in Beaufort. mom was not well but she insisted to go also. well! her daughter has never go oversea before, for a long period of time. now, mom cannot simply call her asking her to come back home at a short notice. my mom's worry is understandable. my sister has a background of illnesses. nobody will take care of her there except her ownself. but she did apply to be attached to a school which is near to a hospital. maybe the one she is attached now is near to a hospital. i've not speak to her yet since she reached there.
being a close knit family, it's quite hard for us whenever one of us got to stay far away from others. previously it is me who stay the most far but still i can go back at anytime i want. just hop on to the express bus and 4 hours later i'll be home already.
at the airport, i know when the time come to say goodbye, we will all crying though in actual fact in less than 2 months we'll be meeting again. i hate crying. especially in public. so when the time did come.....yours truly here make sure it was done quickly and humorly so as everybody laughed instead of crying. i succeeded.
mimpi mainan tidur.............
org kata mimpi hanya mainan tidur. mimpi juga mungkin permainan syaitan untuk menyesatkan insan.
zaza nih kalau tidur......jarang bermimpi. kalau bermimpi pun, bila bangun pagi dah lupa apa yg dimimpikan.
tetapi mimpi malam tadi meninggalkan ingatan dan pertanyaan di hati. zaza bermimpi bertemu arwah pak lang zaza yg meninggal beberapa bulan sebelum arwah abah meninggal. bila berjumpa dia zaza cium tangan dia, memeluk dia dan mencium kedua belah pipi dia (satu perkara yg tak pernah zaza buat masa arwah pak lang masih hidup). masa zaza peluk dia zaza rasa sebak di hati, zaza teringat dlm hati, dpt memeluk pak lang seolah memeluk abah yg dah pergi. wajah pak lang seiras wajah abah.
bila berjalan kaki ke office pagi tadi, teringat balik mimpi tu. kenapa zaza bermimpikan mimpi itu? mungkin tiada apa2. orang kata bila kita teringatkan sesuatu.......atau seseorang....memang boleh sampai termimpi2. nak kata teringat sangat tu tak adalah.
cuma pada pagi ahad hari tu.....kami adik beradik dan mak pergi melawat kubur abah. inilah kali kedua kami pergi ke kubur sekeluarga setelah arwah abah pergi setahun yg lalu. betapa masa berlalu pergi.......
jarang kami sekeluarga dpt berkumpul. kami berkumpul itu pun setelah sekian lama tak berjumpa.........dan sebab adik zaza kena posting ke Sabah minggu depan. So lepas ni mungkin hari raya je la kami dapat berjumpa, berkumpul sekeluarga.
biar jarak memisahkan kami sekeluarga, namun ingatan dan rasa kasih yg menebal takkan dpt menceraikan kami.
yei......yei...yei.... ni yg best jadik org bujang nih......boleh balik kampung bila2 suka. rasa nak balik je......kemas beg...dah boleh balik. yg tak bestnya......menggunakan pengangkutan awam.......mak aih,....ari ni..petang ni...puduraya tu mesti sesak gila...almaklum cuti sekolah dah start.
ari isnin ari tu...pegi puduraya nak beli tiket balik kampung utk ptg ni...umang aih....dapat seat belakang sekali tu.....
berdondang sayang sepanjang jalan la nampaknya.
nak bawak keta......lesen ada...tapi sampai sekarang tak berani bawak keta.....ish...kena beranikan diri la. ada tak blogger yg buat part time kelas memandu.....tp nak keta wira aeroback manual. nak memandu....tp kena ada org yg terer kat sebelah.
tapi kalau bawak keta kat kuala lumpur nih.......alamat lari la bajet. apatah lagi kalau nak balik kg. minyak ngan tol....boleh buat duit makan seminggu tu. tapi yg boringnya hujung minggu kat KL tak boleh pegi mana2 kalau takde keta. kalau ada keta...boleh panjang sikit langkah tu.....hai..susah..susah....
waduh.........waduh....ini yg best ari jumaat nih....lunch hour yg panjang.
zaza and the gang opis pegi makan nasi ayam kat bukit bintang....sebenarnya nak mencuba pengangkutan canggih yg terbaru di Malaysia. apa lagi monorail la. tapi nampaknya almost everybody got the same idea........huk alah.....sadin dlm tin tu lagi selesa. padat tuh......... kengkawan masing2 kata monorail ni gayat sikit sebab tinggi. zaza tak sempat rasa gayat cox orang ramai sangat.....nampak orang saja la.....
tren yg tak panjang...membuatkan kapasiti agak terhad.......lepas tu org yg design tu, agaknya dia ingat semua org malaysia ni tinggi2 kut.......tempat nak pegang mak aih......zaza yg rendah ni jgn harap la dpt capai.....
monorail nih masih agak banyak kekurangan........
nak kata alasan baru beroperasi..........kita dah ada 2 aliran transit ringan yg boleh di jadikan benchmark. apa2 pun, jika dilihat dr mutunya sekarang, zaza harap zaza tak perlu menggunakan monorail ni dgn kerap pd masa depan. semoga ia akan menjadi lebih baik.
ALLAH answers PRAYERS in 3 ways......
HE says YES & GIVES u WHAT u want.......
HE says NO & GIVES u something BETTER........
HE says WAIT & GIVES u the BEST in HIS time....
CINTAILAH ORANG YG ENGKAU KASIH SEKADARNYA BELAKA,
BARANGKALI IA AKAN MENJADI ORANG YG ENGKAU BENCI SUATU HARI KELAK
JUGA BENCILAH TERHADAP ORANG YG ENGKAU BENCI SEKADARNYA SAJA, BARANGKALI IA AKAN MENJADI ORANG YG ENGKAU KASIHI PADA SUATU HARI NANTI
sebut je bulan puasa yg nak tiba tk lama lagi..........mula la rasa sayu di hati. mana tidaknya dah 3 thn berturut2 puasa mcm org takde famili je. balik rumah, bukak puasa sengsorang depan tv. sadis betul. mmg rasa nak menangis la everytime bukak puasa.
member rumah yg lain bukak puasa kat luar sokmo. tinggal la hamba allah ni sengsorang.
takkan nak bukak puasa ajak member opis tiap2 hari. diaorang pun ada famili sendiri. zaza ni je yg dok jauh dari famili. org lain bila nak bukak puasa, lauk bermcm2 atas meja.........zaza nih bila nak beli lauk pun mcm takde mood...mcm malas nak bukak puasa.sebab sengsorang je.
tahun ni nampaknya benda yg sama akan terjadi lagi. (i can foresee it)....apa nak buat.....nasib badan.isk......isk.........isk.....
ari ni immediately lepas keja terus cabut pegi jalan2. dah lama tk pegi meronda sorang2. ari ni sebab hati tgh tak best.itu yg boleh gi merendek sengsorang.
tempat pertama yg dituju....british council. tgk schedule kelas part time. kelas yg ada ialah ptg rabu dan jumaat. jumaat tu ok, tp rabu tu clash dgn monthly meeting exco toastmaster. ni yg maleh nak register nih. lagipun kelas tu utk level yg rendah sikit. level zaza takde. bukannya bongkak cuma takut nanti bila register kelas tu..........rasa boring..mula nak ponteng. membazir rm580. lagipun hujung bulan 10 dah stat puasa. boringla kena bukak puasa dlm kelas.
lepak kat british council kejap je.......pas tu pegi ke klcc cari hadiah utk org kawin. biasala cuti sekolah dah nak start. org pun berlumba-lumba kawin. hujung minggu nih dah ada 2 jemputan kawin. semua tu dah tentu kena guna duit. duit beli hadiah. takkan pegi kenduri tangan kosong je. tak baik berkira ngan orang. apa2 pun zaza tak pegi kenduri tuh..........cabut lari blk kg. ada hal. penatla setiap kali bila dengar org kawin nih. nanti mesti ada mulut2 yg gatal bertanya........bila zaza nak kawin? bercinta pun tak lepas lagi.........nak pikir pasal kawin plak.......
nanti la...........bila turn zaza sampai (entah bila) satu malaysia esok zaza akan canangkan.......angan2 tu tinggi sokmo. ntah jadi ntah tidak. silap2 akad nikah kat pejabat kadi je. jimat belanja.....kehkehkeh.
finally i got the answer. in a way i have been prepared myself for the day. tak sangka akhirnya zaza dapat jugak jawapannya. it is as what i've expected. anyway life goes on right. time has shown that i am a strong person.
bolehkah hubungan kawan baik menjadi lebih dr seorg kawan?
zaza ada kawan baik lelaki..........zaza juga ada kawan baik pompuan. setahun yg lalu tiba2 zaza dapati zaza sukakan kawan baik zaza yg lelaki tu.....lebih dr sekadar kawan. nak kata tiba2 tu tak adil jugak..........zaza rasa perasaan tu dipupuk perlahan2 cuma zaza je yg tak sedar hinggalah pada suatu hari.....zaza tetiba realise oh gosh! i like him really like him more than a friend!
knowing him.....zaza rasa zaza bukan kategori perempuan yg dia suka untuk lebih dr seorang kawan. jadi, instead of beritahu dia....yg zaza sukakan dia.....zaza pilih untuk berdiam diri sahaja. menyukai dia tanpa pengetahuan dia. memilih utk menyayangi tanpa pengetahuan dia. manalah zaza nak tahu tindakan yg zaza ambil itu rupanya akan menyiksa perasaan zaza. it's really really hard....berjumpa dgn dia setiap hari.........tetapi tidak berupaya memberitahu dia perasaan diri....amat menyiksakan hati.
hari ini setahun telahpun berlalu. zaza masih tidak dpt memberitahu dia perasaan zaza. masa setahun ini zaza mencari keputusan hati....betulke zaza sayangkan dia? berkawan dgn dia......bergurau dgn dia.....melihat kelebihan dia.............melihat kekurangan dia...melihat tingkah dia.........walaupun kengkadang ada tingkah dia yg benar2 melukakan hati zaza..........zaza dapati jawapan yg zaza ada tetap sama.........zaza tetap sukakan dia.
kenapa zaza tk beritahu dia saja? confess pd dia? zaza takut utk mengetahui jawapan dia. kalau dia menerima zaza....ok. zaza la org yg paling gembira. tp kalau dia menolak hati zaza. macam mana? yg itu yg zaza takut zaza tk dpt menerima kenyataan. zaza tak nak kehilangan kawan baik zaza. atas urusan kerja.....kami bertembung setiap hari......kami perlu bercakap setiap hari..........mampukah zaza berlakon seperti tiada apa2 yg berlaku.........? mampukah zaza?
entah kenapa zaza rasa mcm dia dah dpt menelah apa yg di hati zaza. entah kenapa zaza rasa mcm dia seolah2 menolak zaza. tingkahnya.....kata2nya.......seolah2 memberitahu zaza yg dia tk dpt menerima zaza lebih dr seorg kawan. betulke apa yg zaza rasa nih..............? ini yg membuatkan zaza lebih takut utk berterus terang.
tp sampai bila zaza harus tunggu. zaza harus teruskan hidup. zaza sgt2 berharap dia menerima zaza. walaupun zaza sedar zaza juga byk kekurangan diri.....
mungkin zaza memandang rendah keupayaan diri zaza. time have shown that zaza adalah seorang yg tabah. tabah menghadapi dugaan.....keluarga.....pelajaran....kasih sayang....takkan ini zaza tak dpt hadapi.
i really really like u.
more than a friend.
i had the privilege of being able to meet u every workdays.
that........ i have been blessed with.
i have ur friendship.
that.....i don't want to lose it.
but i also love u more than a friend........
a wish that i hope u'll give it to me.........not to others
famili day famili day famili day
wah....dah lama rupanya zaza tk update log zaza. biasala.zaza kalau bab menulih diari memang kalah. selalu lupa.
weekend hari merdeka ari tu.........zaza berada di PD, ada famili day syarikat tempat zaza bekerja. bestnya famili day kali ni. boleh kata yg the best la. walaupun jadual padat...........tp rasa puas hati sangat especially bila tgk semua staff yg lain pun bergembira.
ari ahad 31/8 tu rasa berat hati jugak nak balik, tp terpaksa kena balik jugak.lagipun penat sungguh rasa badan. jadual yg padat dan sempat jugak join games kat pantai. zaza balik dr PD tumpang keta mizi. suraya pun naik keta mizi jugak. suraya demam. dia tido sepanjang jalan balik. kesian dia. agaknya sebab panas sangat kot.....lepas tu kurang minum air........itu yg boleh demam tu kot. mizi pun tk sihat jugak. katanya perut dia tk selesa, rasa sebu semacam. sian kat dia. dah la dia sorang bwk keta. rasa mcm menyusahkan dia betul.
zaza? zaza syukur alhamdulillah rasa sihat. sebenarnya zaza pun takut jugak tetiba jadi tk sihat sebab badan zaza ni bukan kuat sgt. pantang kena aircond sikit........panas terlebih ke sikit.....mesti jadi tk sihat. tp kali ni alhamdulillah zaza sihat. agaknya sebab seronok sgt dpt pergi bercuti. almaklum lah zaza tk macam org lain boleh pergi bercuti bila2 masa saja........setahun sekali ada famili day...baru itula zaza pegi bercuti. itu yg excited lebih tu.
apa2 pun this is the best famili day that i've ever heard. nampaknya zaza kena betul2 budget utk simpan duit supaya zaza dpt pergi bercuti selalu. though it's really a tough job to do.
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